Sept 19
Another week comes to a close, and another one begins. Tomorrow is the first day of me working for Widgets. Been strange… adjusting to the new rules and game of "real world" life… guess I better rest or something.
Sept 21
So far working at Widgets is a dream… nice job with nice people. Tonight a bit of a wild ride… so much I’d like to do… so much to cram into the little time I have at night. But no complaints… far easier than anything I’ve encountered so far in my life. It’s nice to come home and have only fun stuff to do.
I must comment, however, on the fact that my life has changed so much, and I find that I am trying to adjust to the new lifestyle. So many changes. This afternoon thought I looked really nice in a tie… very handsome young man. Tonight "just had too" put on some lipstick, and afterward could see the woman in the mirror just staring back at me. Felt like saying "okay, now what do you want?" So I feel like I’m being stretched in a variety of areas and very thin. Mostly right now want to sleep, rest, get up, and earn some money to help pay my bills.
I’m trying to set a routine each day, and also am trying to get a grip on my finances… make things work and get an idea for the future. Hard to imagine what you can pay when you don’t know what you’ll be making. Widgets seems to be making moves to keep me. So that is good… I think. So many things I don’t have control over… can only steer a bit and see where the current takes me.
Strange to think that 21 days ago I was designing sets and spending every waking moment that I could dressing "as a woman." I don’t mean to imply that I don’t consider myself a TS candidate… rather I just don’t have that option right now. I still think about it… however. But only can do what you can with what you got at the moment… so for now I press on.
Sept 23
Working with computers all day sort of leaves me with a desire not to be on one at home. So I’ll keep this short. Feeling in a sort of strange mood… things going well at work… but just sort of at a loss for what to do now… I’m going to enjoy not having something to do… but it is a strange mode to be in… to "not have" to do anything but be in bed so you can sleep and get up to go to work the next day.
I imagine that once I see some financial reward from all this I’ll feel better. I know I’m making money, but I don’t know how much things will cost down the road… if that makes sense… college loan payments, consolidation, auto insurance. These things will fall into place when the time is right, I am sure. On the back burner is some TS feelings… don’t know where to put them, or where they belong… they are just sort of there.
Sept 24-ish
My first Friday home after a my first "real" week in the "real world." It’s strange to be up this late listening to ABBA and wonder where in the heck I am headed in this life. I’m happy… not ecstatic, but pleasantly content. I’m curious to see how things turn out… specifically with finances and such. Too many variables up in the air… as I’ve said before. My TG feelings have been going back and forth. Again, I realize I have no option right now. I may spend some time tomorrow "en femme" and see how I feel. Oh well… time for bed.
Sept 25
But I am in a new arena of life… it’s a different ball game and I’ve yet to learn the rules. It’s the game of post-college life, something which I’ve never done before. I’d like to say that college did not matter… but why try to second-guess the past… you get no answers from your memories, except what you can recycle into advice and wisdom. For whatever reason, I went back to college and found out it was not for me. I think we humans have the capacity to learn much, and perhaps college is just like Basic Training in the military… you do a lot of shit-work that strips you down and re-builds you into what they think is "the best" tactical individual unit. I’ll even risk saying that the only limitations one has is what one sets themselves… anyone can do anything, however for some it is easier than others. Meaning we all have latent talents/drawbacks that we can’t overcome without tremendous effort. And sometimes that effort extracts too much of a cost. My hat is off to anyone who has found their niche in life. It is my hope that Widgets is mine. So far I like what I am doing, and I should find some solace in that it will pay my bills and give me $5 a month.
But I am in a weird situation right now, trying to keep the three-ring circus going and keeping the balls in the air… not saying it is beyond me, but it is a stretch, and of course much of this is that it is my first time. For the first time in my life I did a job that did not make me feel inadequate or superior, and I actually did it. I made it though to the roughest part and now can relax here on the weekend. But even that is a point to be made… it is a different change of schedule… the schedule of non-college, real-world work. The shit that the rest of my family has been doing whist I was in college. I don’t know if I’ve been away from college long enough to really make a comment, and of course I’ve done one week’s worth of work. My life used to be spent doing homework, reading, drafts… and going to some room on some campus and listening to someone talk for 6-8 hours a day and constantly getting assignments (both long and short term) to get me to the next day. Freedom came in that I did not necessarily have to be "awake" during the day, but I spent my nights working feverishly on assignments. My last few memories of Grad School was feeling like I was working too much… and not seeing the results. Something was grating against me, and even the "simple" tasks of doing a rendering seemed like a waste of time. And of course I felt like killing myself. After three days of those kinds of thoughts I decided there needed to be a change. But my life was dominated with learning and trying to meet other people’s expectations and deadlines.
Right now I feel like there are so many things I want to do… and the clock is counting down so to speak… I don’t want to waste my weekend. And perhaps this leads into another hot topic… my free time. What do adults do in their free time? My cubical compatriots seem either to be wild party-goers, religious fanatics, or have families. I guess I don’t fit in any of those. So far my free time has been getting ready… getting ready for work, making sure I have enough Mayo for sandwiches and such… those maintaince things. Today I’d like to learn more about MS Word, play with a Tarot deck I have, wash my car, do the laundry and grocery… get my hair cut… these are all things I enjoy… but I want to do them all, and I wonder if this is "as good as it gets"… not to say that I am missing out on things… to be honest things are evening out for me, and I need to give myself time.
Girlfriends may lead us into the next hot topic… which I guess could be termed "relationships", or "significant others". And so much of this has to do with my own identity of sorts… what I am looking for. Up until very recently I was a part of a very liberal and alternative bunch of theatre people… almost their own species or sub-phylum of people. I guess I don’t know what I am looking for yet… and that’s not a whine, merely a statement of fact. I’ve put the "word on the streets" so to speak…. updated my personal ad on Friend Finder and AOL, and sent out bulk email to those ladies who seems to be a good match. Kentucky has a lion’s share of recently divorced Moms…. Something that I’m not ready for… at least I don’t think so. I can barely keep my own ship afloat, not ready to share that responsibility for more than one person. And recently I even doubt that. As a 27 year old male, I’ve got plenty of time to play the field so to speak, I don’t think my life will end if I don’t answer the biological clock. For some reason I don’t think your average male has that desire… forgive the sexist comment. But we don’t have the tools for the job… God only gave us a stimulant to get the process started… we don’t have the raw materials nor the place to keep it. Males perhaps serve as protectors for this reason.. I have not had this experience yet, so I can’t talk about it with authority.
And even today, I wonder where I’ll end up. One of the things I’ve been dealing with is growing up. I suppose this is where all of the above discussed "hot topics" sort of merge… career, finances, free-time, relationships, friends, etc. I feel like a part of my life ended when I left college… for the best. And as I try to wonder where I am going, well, I am noticing slight changes in me. They are both physical and mental… I’ll hazard to say even spiritual as well. I guess I feel like I'm so dynamic right now I can’t really iron out the details.
So I suppose I’m looking for my self… and wondering what’s what. From what I have seen adults either go bonkers with relationships, vices, or religion… which I don’t have any of right now. I’m curious to see how it all works out.. you know? And of course, I have my daily dose of TS feelings, but I don’t know where they are going… it’s like I get up with ambitions but they dissipate… I say "I could get out of bed, wear my bra… and go about my life, and I find better things to do with my time, if that makes sense. Sort of wish I could sort it out, you know? Oh well.
Sept 26
Been doing lots of thinking… bought a new Tarot deck on Friday… so far everything has gone as the cards were laid out… I’m hoping the future predictions of romance may happen. But I am curious as to what’s what… asking myself do I really want to get back into RPG and/or girlfriend. And, the box of women’s things has remained open, but no real takers… I don’t know what that means, but in my drunken state I can’t really comment. I can only say that it is good to be alive… and while there is no excess, there is no shortage of money in the bank… and there is food in the fridge. Seems that if I keep my nose clean and work hard all of this can work out. It would be super if Widgets did hire me hence and pay me more than I am making now. All of that makes for nice thoughts… especially when one is dunk as I am currently.
As for the rest… gaming, money, and women… well… what can I do… what more can I do? Other than to just be me. Going to try I suppose and see where that leads me. As for the women… well, am I ready to "be a man" and just see where that takes me… yes. Feel like I’m happier than I’ve ever been… and going to enjoy it. If a woman comes along… well, so be it.
Oct 2
Spent bulk of today getting things done… laundry, cleaning, etc. I even washed/waxed my car and cleaned/vacuumed/amour-all’d the interior. All in all a productive day. Sat down and ironed out some bugs with my budgets spreadsheet and tackled getting started on my school loans. Amazing that in the process of paying it off I’ll nearly double it. I guess that’s why people say avoid them, but I won’t get pissy about it. All-in-all if I can pay them off over time and still have a somewhat nice life… than that’s okay. Ideally having a College Degree is supposed to get me bigger bucks, so I’ll have to wait and see.
Something in there about "I had the blues ‘cause I had no shoes"… this morning while grocery shopping I was chatting with the counter girl, and she it came up that she was working 2 jobs. Ditto on people working 3rd shift. So I feel that if I can make it, and do neither of those things, then I am on the right track and doing rather well.
In the middle of all this is a desire for some companionship… specifically female and some TG feelings tossed in there somewhere. I don’t know what fits in where or where I’m going. Can only look back on the past and realize I’ve been in this scenario before… where the key focus is on survival… once you have a place over your head and food in the fridge you take care of some of the other important-but-not-life-threatening things.
Again, I don’t know where my TG feelings are at. I typically say I don’t feel like CD’ing and then an hour or so later I am fully made-up and looking for something to do. Fantasies run deep. I do wonder what I want out of all this, and I guess right now I want to know that I will be financially secure and survive. I think everything else will come in when the time is right and the opportunities are there. We shall see. And, again, what other choice to I have right now than to take care of myself and study/work? Living life is a daily thing, and TG stuff is not in the cards right now.