Sept 1 98

Tomorrow I go talk to Dr. L, UF therapist. I don’t know what to say. I like me. I like me as a woman… I like me as me. And there are things I can change… things I can do… exercise, eat right… all those things. So while I’ve put off dealing with HRT till my facial hair is done… I can eat right and exercise… I want to grow my hair out more… but each day I pause and look at myself… I really like what I am seeing. I’m looking in mirrors more… something I have never really done. I’m curious to see what might happen if this continues…

Sept 4 98

I don’t consider myself gay… more bisexual looking for a man. What can I say? I want to get involved with a man… give it a whirl… see what’s natural. And yes, I’m still seeking estrogen for down the road.

I have my days… like today when I thought people were laughing at me… there are things to joke about… me… the fact that I don’t shave or cut my hair… the fact that I did not do a good job shaving my legs… the fact that I oddly shave my arm hair… the fact that I own one pair of shorts, and this weekend I spilt some thing on them, so it is so very obvious that I don’t have more than one pair. So when I walk into a room of five people I sort of know and they are laughing… well… perhaps they were just at the end of a joke… but it just makes me wonder—do they know about me? Do they know my plans? What if they did? Etc, etc.

7:39pm

I’m pissy myself anyway… I’ve been zapping, I’ve been exercising, I’ve been eating good. Only so much a person can do… well, only so much a transsexual can do in the mean-time…. And as some-one who is so… so obsessive/compulsive… hard to say slow it down… my face can only handle so much zapping… my body can only exercise so much… time to relax… blah… blah.

I’m kinda sad as well… it’s difficult living between worlds, so to speak. I feel like I’m in the middle. I don’t wear a stuffed bra… in fact I don’t wear bras all the time. Does that make me not TS? I like colder weather…and to be in the heat when you sweat… and in a bra… it’s uncomfortable. So if I don’t wear it, does that mean I’m not TS because I real women wears them in the heat, and one day I’ll need to…??? I’m watching Ghostbusters… ah… I remember the days when I would watch this movie… and want to be Sigorney Weaver so bad… I like her gray flannel skirts… whew.

11:32pm

hello again. It is the last day of the weekend… boo-hoo. It has been a nice one. Today I did some zapping… right now so sleepy. I got dressed up a but… even without HRT I am looking more and more female… long hair, less beard. I like it. Been feeling out feelings… trying to see what’s what. So much to do… so much I want to do. I still want to be a woman… I am looking forward to seeing what that means… heh. Oh well… gotta take things as they come….

Sept 11 98

I got fitted for a tux… I was in a bad mood at the onset… wondering what is up with me… kept on wanting to be a woman… wanting to have an ova… wanting to have breasts… wanting to be a woman… why must these feelings persist? Why can’t I be a man? Why… I keeping trying to enjoy the moment but things seem to come back to that. I am sleepy… tired… so many things going on.

Sept 14 98

Well… another weekend coming to a close. I spent this morning doing chores, all dressed up… even coordinated my socks with my shirt… nice to feel the bra… ah. At about 11am I got really warm, so I dressed down to my undies… and spent the middle of the day cleaning and getting organized.

Sept 21 98

Hello there… I wanted to jot down some thing real quick… well, I’ve updated my profile on the web… I’m looking for women… we’ll see what turns up. I’ve not given up on the TS deal… but right now I really am lonely and all the conduits are for me living as a man and being an occasional woman… take that for what you will.

Saturday… 9/26

There’s something on the horizon here… I’ve been feeling it for a few days… sometimes problems or feelings come about like ripples on water… and it takes a bit to find out where things are coming from. I’m starting to think I am getting older… growing up… if that’s possible. Since living with Needlo I’ve been feeling like I’m not a college student anymore. I guess I'm just feeling my age.

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