| MY JOURNAL-MY THOUGHTS-MY INNER-PERSON INTRODUCTION: Welcome to my thoughts, feelings, triumphs, and tribulations. This is a private place that only the people whom I choose may view. These pages are not to be shared with anyone and you should consider it a privlage to view them. I am a private person but have found that I need someway to express things that I can not say outloud. These pages reflect the person that I am. These pages are to be added to daily, weekly, yearly, or any combination. These pages are to be completely honest. January 6, 2005: Up to now I have had 23 days of fidelity since entering the SAA program and recieving my "First Step" token. Work has been getting more stressful and the thoughts of quitting have been coming more frequently. I believe this is becauseI have been working so much (6-7 days/wk for about 4-6 weeks). I was lied to by our dispatch yesterday. The lie was dismissed by our supervisor. Two days ago I brought a surprise home for David. The surprise was a trick that he had caught me with and had made comments about wanting to play with. I gave him his wish and allowed him to play. I watched some of what was going on, but did not enter or touch those involved. It was an interesting feeling, maily a rush of emotions. The most intense was the desire to join in. I held back inorder to give David a bigger gift of fidelity. I was very proud of my accomplishments up until today. I relapsed tonight and had an encounter. It was inteded for nothing to happen but watch a movie and hang out. It turned into some minor playing around. I have fallen off the wagon. I have acted out for the first time while in the program. I am starting over from day 1. The gift of fidelity was only 23 days. I am starting my journey over again. I do however have feelings of guilt for what happened. I was getting pretty good at hiding my feelings before, but tonight I thought about David the entire time. I could not say no, or stop. In the area of sex, I am weak. I think that with David, Nona, SAA, and God I will be able to kick this. I had a headache today that the cause is unk. It seems to come and go without warning or cause. January 7, 2005: Feeling very frustrated with David tonight. He is constantly making comments about my sex life and I feel that he is venting instead of talking to me about it. I have a headache and do not feel good. I almost feel that my headaches are from this conflict. He was constantly making comments about the cigarette smoke which made me think that he was more angry about the smoke than about the cheating. That concerns me, because if he becomes complatient about the cheating then it will be easy for me to as well. When I got home it was nice to spend some time together, have dinner, and just relax. We went to bed on good terms. I did have a headache today that was relieved, somewhat, by cranial-facial OMT. January 8, 2005: Today was a good day. I worked a full shift and did nothing really exciting. I am getting a comendation because of my efforts as command on a mult patient scene. The supervisor arrived and was so impressed by how it was beign handled that he did patient care and kept me doing command. This was a highlight since it feels like I am stagnent and sometimes moving backwards at work. I did not sleep well last night. I was having some odd dreams again. The one that sticks out the most is a dream of having to work on one of my partner's wife due to cardiac arrest. I think that I tossed and turned alot. I am very tired tonight and bed will be early. I did develop a headache today and the cause is unk. I did not take anything for it and am trying to see what helps and what hurts. January 10, 2005: Today was a good day. I did not have a headache or feel sick. Things are going good right now. I'm not feeling the desires that I used to when I was off of Paxil. However, I am still not sleeping well. I am wondering if it is due to anxiety from coming off of the Paxil. I seem to toss and turn at night even with using the CPAP machine. Good news from the bank and I am approved for the refinance loan. It makes me feel good that I am getting my financial situation back on track. January 11, 2005: Dear diary; I' ve always wanted to say that. Well today was another good day. I ended up staying up too late but I slept ok. Was spending my time online but didn't really have any desires to hook up. I am horny, but I feel too tired to do anything about it. January 12, 2005; Well, today was first day off since Dec 14, only it wasn't a day off. I agreed to take kid to OKC on a transfer. Well, the transfer didn't go but I still worked for about 3 hours. We bought David's new vehicle today and that was entertaining. I can't imagine dropping 12,000 for a vehicle and them not wanting to take care of your every need!!! They haggled over $95 set of keys. The dealer wouldn't even discuss throwing in another set. It renews my faith in taking care of the customer. I am sitting here online right now and am having thoughts of cheating. I have an offer to go over to a guys house and have some wild sex, but again I think I'm too tired. I also don't really wanna stray again. I think that I will call David and talk to him for awhile. January 13, 2005: It was a great day today. I actually had off and it was nice. I did have to go into work for an hour meeting that was BS. We had a good session with Nona today although I felt a little ganged up on. I felt like the odd person out. I got scolded for bringing home Jake. Nona was not happy with this at all. She said that it may be detrimental to the relationship, but it's just sex. It was just a release for David and from my end, there were no emotions. Oh well, she has the degree and is the shrink, I'm the one paying for her advice. I took supper up to David at the hospital again tonight. This was nice and I had planned on staying but the plans had to change because another intern doctor came in and was going to set up a computer in the area where I was going to stay while David was attending to a patient. So I came home and had a manic night. I ended up doing laundry, dishes, the cat box, floors, vacuming, and making the bed in the guest room. So it was a productive night. Well, time to watch a movie with Alex and then go to bed, good night! January 17, 2005: I was told that I am a naughty boy because I have not written in here for 4 days. Well, to my defense I've been busy and have decided to sleep instead of write in here. Where to start, hmmmmm. My headaches have come back the last couple days. I think it is from lack of sleep. I need to see Dr. Higbee about getting back on something to replace the Paxil. If that is a no go, then I need to get back on the Paxil. I can not take not sleeping anymore. I feel more stressed and the lack of sleep doesn't help any. I have started these pills that are supposed to help with cortisol levels in the body and reduce stress and burn fat more effectively. I think that something must be working because this morning I was 4.5 pounds lighter. Maybe it was a fluke but I hope not. The last couple days I have been bothered by this guy named Brandon. He is someone I met in chat and he always wants sex. Well, he was relentless yesterday about it again and it kind of pissed me off. I am not the type or person that will just blow someone off. So I find myself making excuses as to why I won't have sex with him. I was saying things like, we are busy at work and I have not time. Finally, awhile in into it I just told him that I don't want to cheat anymore. He said that was good and then he started back on when I am going to give him some. He was telling me that he has to frequent the downtown dirty theatre to get some. I kind of thought that was pathetic at first. But, there was something hot about it. I think it was the whole public hook-up thing. It was still gross but something got arroused in me. It was weird but errotic at the same time. So, after work I had to check it out just to say that I was there. When I pulled up and parked a man approached me. He said that he was from Minneapolis and that he was living on the streets and needed some money. He said that he was willing to do anything for it. I gave him $20 just so he wouldn't have to turn another trick. It was heartbreaking because I would hope that the money would go towards food or shelter but I know that I probably bought him some drugs or alcohol. I don't like the pesimist side of me but it's hard to not think that way after I see crap all day long at work. So, I went into the "theatre" and paid my $7 addmission for the "movie." It amazed me that Oklahoma allowed this since they don't allow good porn. The "theatre" smelled of urine and stale sperm. It was very gross, not to mention the gross people that were there. Yuck, I couldn't imagine frequenting that place. So then I went home and spent time with Alex. Today was a busy one at work. We had a couple of calls that made me mad and angry at myself also. The first was a transfer from HMC to SFH. It was a 2 month old female with failure to thrive (poor nutrition). The mother looked like a crack whore and I had thoughts about how much this kid is going to cost me as a taxpayer because she was medical assistance. The next one was female who overdosed and we had to aggresively save her life so she could go back out and overdose again. The last one was a frequent flyer to our service. He is a homeless guy who was having belly pain because he was hungry and had drank too much Listerine. The thought of ending his life came to mind and has come to mind before. I got in this business to help people and now it's almost as if I hate people. It is hard for me to see the good in them. I have lost sight of God in every person. I need to get that back. Well, I think that is enough for tonight. January 19, 2005: Well, today I had the morning and afternoon off. I actually slept until 11am which is the latest I have slept in recent memory. I think that I slept ok but I do remember waking up alot. I worked tonight and it was an interesting night. It was the first night that I have worked in Tulsa and there was alot of blood spilled. There were several violent crimes that happed. It was a good time however because I worked with Mike Eaton. He is a hottie and I would love to get a piece of him. David has met him in the past and David thinks he is hot. David said that I would even get a pass if I did him. Food for thought. PAGE 1 |
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