Top Ten Lists
Top Ten Ways to be a SAM
by Lady K
Get up on the wrong side of the rack this morning? A little miffed after that 12 hour bondage scene yesterday? Not getting enough of the whip?
Perhaps you are just feeling kinda SAMmy? These are the top ten ways to really show your dom/me how you really feel:
10. For those of you with FemDommes... take out your toolbox, grab a hacksaw, and cut the heels off of her pretty, new thigh-high boots.
9. Grab the Super-Glue and glue the tips of all his nipple clamps together.
8. Practice your knot tying with his bondage ropes... make sure you leave the knots in before you slip them back in the toybox.
7. In the middle of that morning spanking, start painting your fingernails.
6. After the fingernails are done, sweetly say "Are you going to be finished soon? I can't get to my toes in this position."
5. While you are waiting for him to finish spanking, tie his shoelaces together.
4. Is he rushing to meet a deadline at work? Perfect! Call every 15 minutes with questions like "How many sugars should I put in my coffee?" and "Do you know what time and channel 'Oprah' comes on?" Make sure if his secretary or a colleague answers that you ask to speak to "Master Bill".
3. Call his wife/girlfriend/mother and say "I just tested positive for the clap. I think you should have Master Bill go to the free clinic."
2. Take out that nail polish and decorate all his toys with pink polka-dots.
And the Number 1 way to let your dom/me know you are *not* a happy little sub...
1. The next time you go to a play party or BDSM club meeting, slap a "Kick me: I am really just a submissive in disguise!!" sign on his back!
Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear A Sub Say to Their Master
10: How was I supposed to know I wasn't supposed to put your leather pants
in the washer?
09: Yeah, right... SPANK THIS!
08: Tomorrow night, I get to tie you up, right?
07: God, you Dom's think the world should bow before you!
06: And just what do you think you are going to do with that paddle?
05: Sorry, I got a date tomorrow night. Some other time, perhaps?
04: Spanking? I-THINK-NOT!
03: Who died and left you in charge?
02: Do your own damn laundry!
01: What do I look like, your maid?
10 Ways to Know if You Have Estrogen Issues.
10.The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
8. You're can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active
10. Their Craft-matic adjustable bed is set for "doggy style."
9. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
8. You've just seen their photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
7. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
6. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
5. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
4. Granny found handcuffed to her walker.
3. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
2. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
1. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf but Aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
