Might I remind you, I said "Cold Winter Nights"!
The thought of "I can think of nothing more I want to do than sit on my fat, lazy butt watching the lights burn out one by one as the chimney catches on fire because I didn't have it cleaned before the first snow storm hit due to the fact that the wifey thinks that it's far more important to spend my money on a new pair of shoes to go with her other 70,000 pairs she already has than spend it on home improvments" really makes me feel jolly inside!
I mean, c'mon, why do people do this to them selves? Sitting in front of the crackling fire as it spits flames on to that sexy see through night gown that your pathetic boyfriend only gave you a week early because he wants to get you into bed only to find out that that chastity belt that your daddy locked on you so many years ago was welded shut and the key won't work is quite a romantic thought isn't it!?
What does Christmas mean in all reality?
Well here goes........................
Christmas is a time for giving.
Yeah, thats right, every Christmas morning I wake up and it has given me something, a big ol' head ache! Worries about how the bills will get paid because the damn wifey has decided to put us into debt just to give little Tommy that wide screan TV in his room (something I couldn't have in the living room because that would mean football sundays and having to cook for all MY friends and her baking sisters wouldn't have there time to burn the next cake they are learning to cook!)
Christmas is a time for sharing.
Thats right! We share our wallets as our wives spend all the money we bring home for the four months prior to the blessed day. And then we can share even more when they want us to buy that new winter coat that just went on sale dropped down from $500 bucks to only $499. Not to mention the matching boots (God forbid if she should not match when she goes to the mall with her mother to spend even MORE money!).
Christmas is a time for family.
Yeah a time for all the little rugrats to come running out of their rooms, ripping open gifts and screaming in your ear "Thats not what I wanted!", "I wanted the green one not the blue one!", "How come hers is bigger than mine?"
Not to mention the in-laws with thier "Oh he's so sweet, it's hard to believe he's the child of that bum of a husband of yours.", "Why don't you come home for a while Dear and maybe that bum of a husband of yours will grow up and get a real job for once?", "Listen man, if you hurt my little sister you'll have to answer to me!"
But most of all I gotta tell ya waht Christmas means to me!
It's that moment when all is silent and the only thing you can hear is the aww from your buddies when the Jets loose by one lowsey piont to the Oilers because the quarterback fumbles at the last second!
And you are watching the game in a bar because your wifey decided she was moving out on you because you put your foot down and said it was high time you got that new reclining chair to sit in front of the new wide screan tv you took away from little Tommy too watch the football game with all your buddies and have a few beers the night before!
And THATS the meaning of Christmas!
Peace on Earth and to ALL good men!
