THINGS WHICH ARE BAD FOR US

Why are we always attracted to things that aren't good for us? Not only the wrong guys either. We love smoking, drinking, taking drugs, cycling without a helmet, you name it and our bodies clamour for the excitement of bad things.

Lesbians and Gay men are easily the worst (or best depending on your point of view) for continuing to do in excess the things we know are bad for us. What's the point of being gay my friends tell me, if you can't have fun, and by having fun, they mean, staying up all night, drinking lots of tequila, smoking loads of dope and snorting lots of coke. On the whole I imagine that Gay people are an intelligent, informed section of the community so they know the dangers, but they still do it, why? Because as Billie so aptly said in that classic pop ditty, 'because we want to'.

Smoking

This is probably the most dangerous thing that most of us do all the time, all day. Manto constantly tellsus how bad it is for our health and even for those around us (those unlucky fools called passive smokers). It even says in big letters on the boxes of Cillas we buy (SMOKING WILL KILL YOU), but we still love doing it. Why? It's smelly, anti-social and quite expensive these days. It is not only is it a drug, and we're addicted to it, but also because it makes us look cooler than non-smokers and gives us that exotic air of danger you just can't get by hanging on street corners eating an apple .

Drinking

Which queen can withstand a Dora? And not stop until she’s faceless? It is poison to our system, but still we imbibe like Prohibition is coming back tomorrow. And we love drinking at clubs and pubs, where we are more than happy to pay three times more for a Dora than we could buy it at the local bottle store.

Drugging

Why is it that anything the establishment frowns upon is immediately desirable to sections of the community. That's why Gay people and teenagers can't get enough of class A substances. They're treated like second class citizens by society, so why shouldn't they destroy their minds and brain cells by snorting various things and popping whatever pills they can get their hands on. Drugs are bad for you, several people die a year in highly publicised deaths, but drugs make you feel good (at the time) and the euphoria most of us have achieved at some time or another is indescribable.

Dying your hair

It destroys the hair, leaves it looking like a dead dog (look at that straw  on top of Madonna's head) and can look very cheap and brassy if done incorrectly (Madonna again). Yet we still love changing our looks to match the season, dying that man out of our hair after a bad relationship, even if it only lasted a week. We all believe that blondes have more fun and no amount of warning that excessive bleaching can ruin hair is going to stop us from glamourising our otherwise dull lives. The downside is that by time we are 30, we are bald.

Eating bad foods

Okay it's 95% fat. Cooked entirely the wrong way (fried), served with entirely the wrong garnish (ice-cream or cream) and you're not really all that hungry anyway are you? Still you're having it because you deserve it, it's been a bad day, or he's treated you like shit. You don't care if it contains enough calories to feed a family of eight for a week in Ethiopia. Why is it that the foods that can lead to an early death, or at least a lonely fat existence, are the nicest? We know that fruit is good for us, but it's boring (toffee apples are okay though). We've heard that grilled food tastes as good as fried, but we've never swallowed that particular lie. Chocolate and ice cream, although bad for us, are all we really want to eat mid-week when that inevitable come-down kicks in. No amount of dressing up bland foods with claims of 'It tastes just like real chocolate' or 'I can't believe this bland water rubbish isn't butter' is going to stop us from eating gorgeously bad foods.

Not living within our means

Yeah, we know we should be saving for a rainy day, but as it never rains in South Africa, so why bother? Being in debt is supposedly quite stressful, but as it's a fact of life for most gay people, they take it for granted. Save up for that new outfit you fancy - not us. Buy now, pay later, is the rule.

Over Exercising

As this is an impossibility us gays can't give it much credence. You cannot go to the gym enough times in an attempt to get yourself looking as fab and fit as you can. Of course this isn't helped by the over-indulgence of drink, drugs and food, but hey, you burn it off at the next gym session.

Cosmetic surgery

If you can afford it, why not? And even if you can't these entirely cosmetic procedures are what's necessary today to keep ahead of the competition. Okay, so supposedly implants can be dangerous and some facial cosmetic surgery has gone horribly wrong. But the chances of it happening to you are zilch, so get your name down immediately for liposuction and a penile extension. Some boring people call it tampering with nature, we call it making the most of what you've got.

Having sex with complete strangers

Gay men are so adept at this, it is odd that so many of them have not come to a sticky end. Some of the men I've been home with, and invited into my bed, would not look out of place in a Crime Stop TV insert, and are definitely not the sort of people I'd take home to my parents. Thankfully most Gay men these days do know about and practice safer sex, so the only real danger in picking up a stranger is that they may be an axe-murderer or worse, an obsessive Abba-fan, who'll play you the cast recording of Mama mia until you can't stand it any more and take your own life.