counterhomophobia

Countering Homophobia

This month I thought we could turn our attention to homophobia. I know this is a H-U-G-E topic, and much has been written about it. I don't want to reinvent the wheel by regurgitating what can be found in many bookstores, libraries and on the internet.

Instead I thought that I would rather look at practical ways in which we, as gay men and women, can oppose homophobia when we encounter it. It is my firm belief that no one who really gets to know a gay person well is homophobic. Homophobia is the product of ignorance. People who are homophobic very likely have not (consciously) met a gay person in their lives, and base their views of homosexuality of the prejudices and ignorance of their limited backgrounds.

Our fight, therefore, in gaining acceptance in mainstream society is not through mass rallies, parades and newspaper tirades. These tend to be conter-productive, and turn staright people against us. The only way in which we can convert straights is by speaking to people on a one-to-one basis, and getting them to know us as real people, and not as the devils they have been brought up to believe we are.

In order to do this, we have to be prepared and be able to state our case confidently and simply. To this end, I am enclosing in this month's edition some of the popular allegations which homophobes throw at us, as well as possible ways to rebut these allegations. I claim no credit to being the originator of these arguments. What I write here is a personal distillation of years of reading other peoples' work, and to those many original authors the credit must go. Hopefully, my ideas will help you to handle homophobia, when you inevitably encounter it.

Gay people choose to be gay

Recent studies seem to suggest that sexual orientation, whether it be gay, straight, bisexual or asexual, is not a matter of choice. It seems to be genetically determined before or just after birth. Sexual orientation is something that develops within the individual over a period of time as the person matures and becomes sexually active. It is just as impossible for a straight person to wake up one morning and decide to become gay as it is for a gay person to suddenly decide to become straight (claims by certain individuals that they can 'change' one's orientation, especially religious bigots on a crusade to 'save' gay souls, must be regarded with extreme skepticism!) Being gay or straight is a combination of one's life experiences, and one cannot switch this composite identity on or off at will, like a light switch.

The only choice which gay men and women do have is whether they are going to lives their lives in the closet, concealing their real selves from the world, or whether they are going live their lives honestly, openly and happily. Of course, this often depends on their personal circumstances, and many environments take this choice away from gay people.

Gays are the product of bad parenting.

The ubiquitous "What did we do wrong?" cry underlies this belief. Parents who discover that one (or more) of their children are gay, often immediately shoulder the 'blame', and martyr themselves as having been bad parents.

Psychological studies have shown that there is much evidence that parents have very little influence on the sexual orientation of their children. This is proven by the fact that in a given family, with a number of siblings, some may turn out gay and others straight. Certainly the attitudes of parents towards 'deviance' can play a large role in the self-image of the child and his/her relationship to his/her sexual orientation, but as for upbringing being instrumental in the formation of sexual orientation, it is highly unlikely. The 'nurture' protagonists have never been able to answer why some children grow up gay and others straight in the same family environment.

Also one must bear in mind that gay children come from all socioeconomic, ethnic, cultural, political, linguistic and religious backgrounds. Some admittedly come from abusive and dysfunctional backgrounds, but just as many, if not more, come from normal, functional homes, with model parents.

Homosexuality is a disease.

In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association, for the first time, declared homosexuality not to be a psychological, emotional or mental disorder. This ruling has generally led to a relaxation in western attitudes towards homosexuality. There is an overwhelming amount of research that has been published showing that there is no significant difference between the mental health of straight people and gay people. Indeed, much of the mental torture which gay people in the past have suffered has been caused by straights and the way they have treated gays, and NOT by the fact that they are gay. Today homophobia is considered more a sign of mental illness than homosexuality is.

Homosexuality can be cured.

As homosexuality is not an illness, what is there to cure? The odd quacks and religious zealots who claim to have turned gay people 'straight' are extremely suspicious, and it is doubtful whether anyone's sexual orientation can be changed. These conversion 'fundis' probably cause more psychological damage to those they are trying the convert than homosexuality ever has. There certainly are no scientific therapies that have been proved to achieve this metamorphosis. Gay men and women who positively accept their sexual orientation are, in general, better adjusted than those who are still closeted to some degree or other.

The gay lifestyle is a very lonely one.

Firstly there is no such thing as a 'gay lifestyle', just as there is no monolithic 'straight lifestyle'. The concept of a 'gay lifestyle' is the creation of anti-gay groups who have invented this concept based on their view that gay people are oversexed, and that their entire lives revolve around finding sexual partners and having meaningless sexual encounters, usually with strangers. Thus the 'gay lifestyle' is a predatory, promiscuous obsession comprising (only) of sex with as many partners as possible.

Any gay person knows the stupidity of this misconception. To think that any group's only reason for living is to indulge in sex shows a remarkable degree of ignorance of the fact that, except for whom they sleep with, gay people's lives are very similar (and varied) to those of straights. Some people (regardless of sexual orientation) choose to remain single while others choose to live in long term, committed relationships. For the former, the single life is usually associated with promiscuity and the pastime of chasing cock or pussy. For the latter, the only difference between a gay and a straight committed relationship is its legality (See my article on Gay Marriage in The Gay e-Chat Forum, Vol.1). Garnets & Kimmel, in their Psychological Perspectives on Lesbian and Gay Male Experiences (1993, Columbia University Press), come to the conclusion that gay lives are as varied as straight lives, but often share many commonalities, such as whether to raise children, what hobbies and occupations to pursue and where to go on holiday.

Life for a gay person is as lonely or not as he/she chooses it to be. Suicides due to loneliness over the festive period among straights are probably proportionally much higher than for gays. But this does not mean that single gay people are necessarily lonely. Many of them appear to have hectic social lives, and many friends with whom they socialise on a regular basis. Loneliness as an emotional disorder affects all sectors of the population, and being gay does not make one prone to greater loneliness. Loneliness is not caused by sexual orientation but has other psychological causes.

Of course, a lot of what makes some gay people miserable and lonely is the way in which society treats them. Social stigma, rejection, discrimination and social isolation can all be emotionally devastating. The sad thing is that what society fails to see is their role in creating all this pain and suffering. The hypocrisy of treating people badly and then blaming them for the suffering they endure due to YOUR actions is very sad.

Gay people are obsessed with sex.

The first misconception which straight people have about gays is that our lives revolve around sex. (Although an examination of gay - especially male - iconography certainly gives the impression that sex is the core of our existence!) As a consequence of this skewed thinking, straight men feel that they are God's gift to gay men, no matter how Hilda they might be. This mindset feels threatened and honestly believes that if he is not on his guard, some moffie is going to try and rape him! Really! As a gay man one knows how difficult it is to get another gay man into bed, let alone a straight!

Bell and Weinberg (Homosexualities: A Study of Human Diversity, 1978) maintain that gay people are no more obsessed with sex than straights are. The lives of gay people are about far more than getting one's rocks off. The irony is that most people who have anti-gay feelings do not even know that they probably know someone who is gay, but who hides this. Their knowledge of gay people comes from the freaks which the media likes to expose as representative of gay people. Look at the Gay Pride Parade each year. Who do the media zoom in on? The feather and freak brigade! Normal gay people are not deemed newsworthy.

I always find it amusing that straights seem more obsessed with what we, as gays, do in bed than we obsess about what they do. Honestly, do you give a fig about what some straight couple does in bed? I don't! So why are straights so concerned with what WE do in bed? Makes one wonder just who the ones in society are who ARE obsessed with sex.

Gay people flaunt their sexuality and should keep it private.

This attitude is my favourite in the hypocrisy stakes. In reality, the vast majority of gays do not flaunt their sexuality. The double standard which straight society tries to impose with this type of belief is that what they consider flaunting one's homosexuality is in fact everyday behaviour for straights! If a straight couple hold hands in public, no one blinks and eye. But let two gay people do the same, they are flaunting it, and the end of the world is nigh! Straights put pictures of their spouses and families on their desks at work. Let a gay person put a picture of his/her lover on the desk, and he/she is flaunting his/her homosexuality. Straights kiss each other hello or good-bye regularly, but gays who do this are being provocative. Straights bring partners to company functions and they are accepted open-armed. Gay people who do the same are troublemakers. Straights discuss what they did at the weekend openly in the office or class. Gays doing the same are ramming their homosexuality down the throats of straights. The list of these double standards is endless.

The bottom line, however, is that most gays do not wish to make a statement and flaunt their sexuality in front of straights. All they want is the right to live their lives the same as straights are allowed to.

Straights don't see it this way, because when they say that we should keep our lives private, they are in fact saying that we should keep them secret. We should remain in our closets, and pretend that we do not have lives worthy of recognition.

Gays are all florists or hairdressers, and are too unstable to hold down a responsible job.

As much as straights would like to believe this, it is simply not true. Certainly a number of gay men, at least, are florists and hairdressers, as well as being employed in many of the other creative professions. However, an even larger number are professionals, academics, politicians and businessmen. Gay people permeate all strata of careers, from bus drivers, all the way through to company directors. Despite the homophobia of the past which attempted to keep gays out of honest, decent jobs, and force them into the low paid jobs of florist and hairdresser, thousands of gay men and women in South Africa have been successful in 'respectable' careers, and can be found in every profession in the country.

Gay men all secretly want to be women and wear women's clothing in private.

Just a glance at the Pride Parade every year will convince anyone that most gay men want to be men. However, as already discussed, the media has an agenda of its own and tries to portray gays as all being drag queens by showing only these people in media coverage.

Drag is a big topic to discuss, and I would not like to get into here - maybe in some future edition. As far as wanting to wear women's clothing as one's apparel of choice, this belief is far off the mark. I am sure that at some time in every gay man's life he has tried drag for a laugh or as fancy dress for a party, but this is no more unusual that straight men wearing women's attire to a so-called "turnaround" party.

Generally, in my experience, most gay men have no interest in drag, and certainly have no secret desire to be women. Unfortunately the swishy, wrist-flapping fairies (who are in the minority) do not convey this fact to the straight public.

What gay people do in bed is unnatural and disgusting.

The question of what is natural and what is not is timeless. The ancient Greeks discussed this topic, and over nearly three thousand years it has not been resolved. My personal feeling is that when people speak about 'natural', it is related to nature, and what is found in nature. Their allegation that homosexuality is unnatural is based on the (mistaken) premise that same-sex bonding, and in some cases, sexual relations, are not found among animals. Even if this were so, comparing humans to animals is ridiculous, as such cross-species comparisons are tantamount to comparing apples and pears. By this I mean that selective comparison in the light of sexual behaviour alone is narrow-minded and hints at a hidden agenda. If one wishes to compare man to animals, then everyday things in human experience, like speech, wearing clothes, reading, getting married, etc, etc, etc are ALL unnatural, as they don't occur in nature.

Of course, the fact is that what gay people do in bed is the same of straights do. Straight people indulge in fellatio, mutual masturbation and anal intercourse. Of course when straights do it, it is acceptable, and not disgusting. This double standard is what is disgusting, not the sex act.

What straights find unnatural and disgusting in gay sexual behaviour cannot be worse than the disgust and nausea I feel when I contemplate the idea of cunnilingus and other straight sex acts. These acts are as unnatural to me as homosexual acts are unnatural to straights. So what we are saying is that a certain sex act might be unnatural to ME, but that does not give me the right to stand in judgement of those who get their thrills from indulging in that act. Go ahead, and eat as much muff as you want. But please, grant me the same lassitude to eat as much cock as I want, without you judging my actions.

What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedroom is nobody's business but their own. Once again it amounts to straights being more obsessed with my sex life than I am with theirs.

Lesbians are all radical feminist man-haters.

Whether the majority of lesbians are feminists or not is a moot point. The fact is however, that most feminists, whether gay or straight, do not hate men. All they want are equal opportunities for women to become fulfilled in their social and professional lives.

Gays are child molesters.

This is a lie which the anti-gay lobby has been very successful in propagating over the ages. If one reads the newspapers on a regular basis, and one follows the stories of child abuse in South Africa, one cannot believe this lie, as in most cases the molester is a STRAIGHT male, and is usually someone known to the child. Groth & Bernbaum, in their 1978 work, Adult Sexual Orientation and Attraction to Underage Persons, unequivocally maintain that male pedophiles who molest underage boys are ALMOST NEVER HOMOSEXUAL IN THEIR ADULT SEXUAL RELATIONS. Predictably the media sensationalise any case of male pedophilia where young boys are involved, but statistically, pedophilia usually involves an adult male and an underage girl.

I don't want my child exposed to homosexuals as I don't want him to 'catch' it.

Would that homosexuality was spread as easily as the common cold! The whole world would be gay by now!

Consider that most of us gays today grew up in a world which was exclusively straight. We were reared in straight homes, with heterosexual parents; we were educated at redundantly heterosexual schools; we were socialised with straight siblings and friends. Chances are that we never (to our knowledge) encountered a gay person in all our formative years - and we still grew up to be gay! There was no one from whom we 'caught' our affliction.

So too is there no evidence at all to prove that children raised by gay people, or having contact with gay people, are more inclined to growing up gay than children brought up by straights.

Because they can't reproduce, gays recruit children to their cause so that they can maintain their numbers.

Anyone who believes this ridiculous belief, especially in the light of what we have said above, is indeed a candidate for a lobotomy. The belief stems once again from the erroneous belief that gay people are primarily sexual predators, whose sole purpose in life is to seduce as many other people of their sex as possible.

Gay people are born, and not made. Homosexuality is, as has been noted before, the culmination of a process of maturing. No gay person I have ever met has been recruited, seduced or brain-washed into being gay. This assertion is without any scientific foundation whatsoever.

Consider political regimes which have tried to 'wipe out' homosexuality. None of them has ever succeeded. This is simply due to the fact that homosexuals are being BORN every minute of the day. All that removing today's homosexual population from society does is to make it that more difficult for the next generation to come to terms with their orientation given the suffocating societal attitudes the child will grow up with, and the lack of gay role models he will have.

In a thousand years time there will be no political regimes which exist today. There will be no churches with a homophobic agenda preaching HATE instead of LOVE. There will be no hidden agendas of the anti-gay lobby. But there will be one thing. THERE WILL BE HOMOSEXUALS. We don't have to recruit. Given an open and non-threatening society, homosexuality can only flourish and our numbers grow as more people are not forced to hide their real selves, but can live open, free and honest lives. The era of gay oppression will have passed, just as the oppression of blacks, women, Jews and other minority groups have passed.

I hope that you have enjoyed these random thoughts, and that they have given you some food for thought on how to rebuff the homophobic bullies which you meet on your path in life. Good luck, and fight the good fight, for all our sakes.