familyabuse

Gays and Family Abuse

I always thought that I was fortunate in the way my family reacted to my coming out. I was in my early 20’s, and thought I was in love (doesn’t EVERYONE in that age group think they are in love?) when I burst the bombshell on my unsuspecting parents. They, of course, coming from the War generation with all its stereotypical preconceptions about homosexuality, were shaken by the revelation, but soon came to accept my sexual orientation. No drama. No disinheriting me. No throwing me out of the house. I suppose, in retrospect, they accepted it very well, compared to what some of my friends went through with their families at the time of revelation.

Perhaps living in Johannesburg while my parents were in Natal also helped, as they didn’t have to deal with a gay son on a day-to-day basis. Perhaps I was just blessed with non-judgmental parents. Who knows? The fact is that never once since that epiphany have I ever encountered hostility from my family because of my gayness.

However, in retrospect, I am coming to the conclusion that despite one’s overt acceptance by family, there is a subtle, covert form of abuse which almost all gay men and women experience. I am not necessarily basing all these conclusions on personal experience, but on what I have observed in the lives of gay friends around me over the past twenty years.

First of all, when one’s parents grow older and are in need of care and attention, have you considered why it is that most of this responsibility falls on the shoulders of gay children? The oft quoted excuse that other (straight) siblings have lives of their own betrays a subtle belief that because we do not have a husband/wife of the opposite sex, and do not indulge in the heterosexual predilection of propagating the species, we, as gay people, do not, ispo facto have lives of our own. Is this not abusive to the mindset in which we operate?

Funny how straight siblings shrug off all responsibility towards aging parents "because they have families of their own to worry about". Of course we don’t! We have been living with our same sex partner for many years, but, in their minds, we do not constitute a "family". Is not this lack of respect for ourselves and our cohabitation arrangements abusive? Is it not underscored by an unconscious belief that because we have "chosen" to be gay, we are not entitled personal happiness in our private lives? What makes straights think that they have more responsibilities in life than we do?

I know of many gay people who have been left alone to shoulder the burden of aged parents, but when the time comes for the inheritance, the straight siblings (and their spouses!) are usually sitting in the front row at the reading of the will! This abuse illustrates how straights are happy to accept us on their terms, provided we are of some use to them, but are not happy to be excluded from the "family" when money is at stake.

Another area of abusive bahaviour is that although a gay uncle has an excellent relationship with his nieces and nephews, there is often an uneasiness when the question arises of the nieces and especially, nephews want to go to Uncle X’s for a holiday. God knows what our siblings think we are going to do to their precious offspring? All manner of original excuses are fabricated. But come the day that the same sibling desperately needs a baby-sitter, then it is a different question completely, isn’t it? Once again, we are abused when it suits them, both by being denied quality time with the children during school holidays, etc, and by being an easy out for parents who want to jettison their kids for the day to pursue some activity of their own.

A further aspect of this abuse is financial. Gay people are often seen as an "easy touch" by family when money is needed. After all, we "don’t have to buy school shoes" and we "go overseas so often". The fact that as gays we have more disposable income than our straight brothers and sisters is simply because we are living with the benefits of our actions in life. Why should we be made to feel guilty that our nieces and nephews need new school shoes? It was not our decision or actions which resulted in these selfsame children, was it? So why must we be expected to contribute to their well-being? Just as we are living with the consequences of our actions, so too are our siblings. And it is abusive to expect us to bear the financial consequences of their actions.

The final area of abuse I would like to address is that which takes place when the children bring prospective husbands/wives home to meet the family. Straight marriage candidates are welcomed into the bosom of the family immediately. Do gay potential partners experience the same treatment? I defy anyone to say that they do. Most times they are shunned, if they get to meet the family at all. Then comes the straight wedding, and although she is only a brother’s wife, the straight outsider is showered with gifts, family jewellery, etc. I have yet to meet a gay person who received anything other than cold shoulder from his in-laws when he and his partner decided to set up house. This inequity is clearly abusive.

So next time you think, like I did, that your family has accepted you and your homosexuality, think again. I am sure that you will discover a wealth of invisible abusive skeletons in your cupboard.