THE WORLD’S GREATEST LOVERS

It's happened to all of us at some time or other: met some great guy on holiday, got him back to the hotel bedroom, nothing happens. But all that can be avoided if you know his nationality beforehand. Use my useless guide to which nationalities are worth the effort and which aren't.

Americans

Screwing American men is a challenge because they have stupid names like Buck or Chip, and if you can shout that in the throes of your ecstasy and keep a straight face, you're a better man than I am!
Having said that, they are fun in bed because they were exposed to a lot more porn than we were at an early age. This results in a disconcerting habit of shouting "fuck that ass" as if the ass belonged to some mysterious third party, and not their own.
Avoid the Mid-West, where gay men are often indistinguishable from their straight counterparts, unless of course baggy checked shirts and a back-to-front baseball cap is your idea of heaven.
Stick to New York and LA, where you can sip outrageously priced alcohol in prissy bars which play Cher CDs, and stuffed with wall-to-wall glaring Queens, and you can wonder why you ever even bothered leaving South Africa.

Argentinians

I can't speak from personal experience, but I imagine Buenos Aires is a good place to for live out all your sad Evita fantasies, and I’ve been told that you haven't lived until you've been poked on the pampas by a gaucho called Juan.

Australians

I think the words "brace yerself" count as romantic foreplay.

Canadians

A well-kept secret. Americans with intelligence. They leap into bed very quickly because they are used to stripping in freezing temperatures, but they screw like rattlesnakes and can also discuss the news with you afterwards. A rare breed indeed.

Columbians

Before you put anything up his bottom, check it first for little sachets of mind-expanding white powder. Although that would be some Queens' idea of Christmas - not only shafting some dishy Latino senseless but then also discovering six hundred rands worth of Charlie waving away at the end of your knob when you withdraw.

Dutch

Oh, they are divine, doped up to the eyeballs and complete whores. If only you didn't have to summon up a full bucket of phlegm in order to pronounce their names properly.

English

Not the best lovers, they often make their Complete Acorn Antiques Video part of their foreplay. But very polite in the sack, often saying "cheers" when you give them a blowjob. If nothing else, they bring good manners to sex, and amongst the League of Nations who've passed my portals it's only the Brits who say "Do you mind if I come now?"

French

I love Paris because the main gay thoroughfare is called Rue des Mauvais Garcons, which means 'Naughty Boys Street'. I think we should follow their example here and rechristen Rivonia Road 'Avenue d'Attitude'.
It's dead easy to make a pick up in Paris because everyone smoulders away at everyone else like a lit Gauloise, and Frenchmen are very good lovers, being very athletic, having spent the last century running away from the German army.
Very talkative in bed, you should be warned. I once had an Air France Koffie Moffie who wanted to improve his English and kept up a non-stop commentary of "I want to be serk, no I mean I want to be ferk" and by the time I'd explained the difference between active and passive verbs I'd quite gone off the boil.

Germans

Awful. Want you to pretend to be Poland while they invade you. Also oddly bowel-fixated.

Irish

According to Hollywood, Irish people spend their lives jigging about like Michael Flatley, which is why I've never had one - can you imagine waking up to the frantic tapping of Riverdance if you had a hangover?

Russians

If you can face a bit of rumpski-pumpski with an inevitably badly-dressed ex-commie called Oleg, just for God's sake keep an eye on your belongings or he'll off with your Rolex and flogging it at a Flea Market.

South Africans

To find a South African boy you’ll have to go to Britain, Australia, New Zealand or anywhere else in the world except South Africa. What's more, they are all terrified of going back, so you can coerce them into all sorts of filthy sexual acts by threatening to inform immigration.
Quite sweet, except be warned that they are perhaps the one strain of gay men in this world who do give a shit about sport.
South Africans will disrupt sex to go on at you about how "everything is bigger and better at home, I promise you, man," but persevere, because it's worth it and you can always retaliate with "So why are you living in Sydney?" And I often remember with affection Cliff from Cape Town who placed my hand on his zip and asked me to "Free Nelson Mandela".

Swedish

Tall, blond, and spend their lives in saunas. I'm moving there now.

Swiss

I can't really give you an overview of them as a whole, but next time you're in Geneva airport do drop in on Jerome who runs the Duty Free Shop, because I got the distinct impression he was Open All Hours.