HOMO HUMOUR

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Two Gay Wood Peckers

A Gay Cape Town woodpecker and a Gay Johannesburg woodpecker were in Cape Town arguing about which city had the toughest trees to peck. The Cape Town woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Johannesburg woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Cape Town woodpecker was in awe.

The Johannesburg woodpecker then challenged the Cape Town woodpecker to peck a tree in Johannesburg that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

The Cape Town woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Jo'burg, the Cape Town woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the Jo'burg woodpecker was able to peck the Cape Town tree and the Cape Town woodpecker was able to peck the Johannesburg tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own city? After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

 Barracks Door

The manager hired a new secretary. He was young, smart, handsome and polite.

One day while taking dictation, he noticed the managers fly was open. When he was leaving the room, he courteously said, "Oh, by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

The manager did not understand the secretary's remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling him in, he asked, "By the way Mr. Coetzee, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was also quite witty, replied, "Why no, sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 Getting Old

What a drag it is getting old...

When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"

He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."

I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"

And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

 Uncle Frank

Bob and Joe are baby sitting Joe's kid for his ex-wife on a Saturday morning. Bob is just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he has forgotten to tell Joe that his ex-wife had called while Joe was out doing some work in the garden, and that her new boyfriend was coming around at noon to pick up the kid. Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, is Daddy near the phone?"

"No, he's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank, Mommy's new boyfriend."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But Mommy's new boyfriend isn't called Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Well, he is so called Uncle Frank, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Daddy!"

Bob was jealous, not so much because Joe was cheating on him, but because the boyfriend was an absolute hunk and Bob had fantasised about him. 'I'll get even with Joe for this,' he thought.

"Okay, then, we'll call him Uncle Frank. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Daddy and Uncle Frank that your Mommy's car just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Daddy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around in a panic. He then tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps, and he's just lying there. I think he's dead."

"Oh, my God! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. He must not have known that Daddy took out all the water this morning to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool. He's just lying there not moving. He may be dead, too."

There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

 Revenge

A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Blond Lover

There were these three guys.
They all worked together at this gay owned factory.
Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.
So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.
The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.
The second guy goes home and cooks his lover a fantastic dinner.
The third guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his boyfriend in bed with his boss, so he shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the first and second guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the third guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No."
They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

 Bank Robbers

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.
The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.
The robbery begins.
The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," he said.
He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"
The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

 50th Aniversary

Two elderly lovers were celebrating their 50th anniversary, with a friend at the bar.

The friend suggests they return to the little town where they first met. "I'll drive you" he offers, "you guys are always talking about the place, it would be nice to go back and visit". So off they go.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the friend about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.

The friend smiled as the old couple spoke.

One old boy turns to his lover and says, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"

His lover giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."

So they went out the door and across to the field. The friend smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. One old man picked up his lover when they were naked and leaned him against the fence. The friend was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, one old boy bounced up and down excitedly, while the other lover thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.

Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed.

As they walked back towards the road, the friend stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."

"Not really," said one old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."  

Peepee Instruction

A kindergarten teacher was instructing his class of little boys on how to go to the bathroom.

He Gave them the following instructions:
One - unzip your zipper
Two - pull your peepee out
Three - stroke the skin back
Four - take a pee
Five - stroke the skin forward
Six - put it away and zip up the zipper

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. The teacher asks the boys, "where is Johnny?"

One of the boys replies "he's still in the bathroom."

So the teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears Little Johnny saying "three, five, three, five, three, five..."

The Pearly Gates

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

 Car Accident

Two guys are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the first guy says, "So you're gay; I noticed the rainbow flag on your car. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the second guy replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The first guy continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the second guy. The second guy nods his head in in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the first guy. The first guy takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the second guy.

The second guy asks, "Aren't you having any?"

"No, I think I'll just wait for the police"

 Two Priests On Vacation

Two priests have been having a secret relationship for years and go on vacation to Hawaii together.

They decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the gay nudist beach.

They notice a gorgeous young blond hunk with hot rippling muscles and wearing a tiny bulging bikini that barely held everything.

"Good afternoon, Fathers" he says as he strolls by. The men are stunned. How does he know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer shorts, tie dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blond, now completely naked, with his huge cock, swinging, half hard, passes by, nods politely at them and says, "Good morning Fathers."

"Just a minute young man.", says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

The blonde replies, "Don't you recognise me? I'm Brother Martin from the friary"

 Boxed Dildos

A guy is cleaning out the closet he shares with his lover and on the top shelf he notices a large box. He carefully takes the box down. He notices a sign on top of the box which reads: DO NOT OPEN!

Naturally he was curious so he opens the box and inside he sees $20,000 in cash and three dildos.

Later that evening his lover comes home, and he immediately confronts him about the contents of his box. The lover is upset, but he proceeds, "Why are there three dildos in the box?"

"Every time we had bad sex and I didn't get off, I took a dildo into the bathroom then put it in the box when I was finished" The lover replied.

"Hmm, three dildos, twenty years together, that's not bad," The guy thought. "What's the $20,000 for?," he asked.

"Every time I got a dozen dildos, I sold them."

 Past Lovers

Two guys have been living together for some time when the first guy began to question his lover.

"I know you've been with a lot of other men before. How many were there?"

The lover replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."

The first guy continued to beg and plead.

Finally, the lover gave in.

"Let's see." he said, counting off with his hands, "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, YOU, eight, nine..."

 Home for Lunch

An exquisite painting, entitled "Home for Lunch", was on display in a Pennsylvania erotic gay art gallery. It depicted three very naked and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. Two men were standing there, staring at the painting, scratching their heads, and trying to figure the painting out. The artist walked by and noticed the men's confusion. Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the one man. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not African-Americans. They're Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."

 Boozing Pals

Four old boys, one from Scotland, one from Egypt, and the other two from America, have been going to the same gay bar for years. Finally, one of the Americans passed away from old age.

The other three boozing pals are gathered around the coffin to say their final farewells.

The Egyptian, through his tears, says "You know, in my country, we have a tradition of leaving money in the coffin so our dear departed friends can buy their own cocktails when they pass over"

The other friends agree that this is a splendid idea, they did not want their friend to have to hustle for drinks on the other side.

The other American takes out his bill-fold and places a hundred dollar bill in the coffin, as does the Egyptian.

The Scottsman scoops up and the money and replaces it with a check for $300.

 The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

Defective Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

 Christmas Party

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his lover put some coffee in front of him.
"Andy," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," Andy assured him in his most scornful tone. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit," Andy informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

 Dirty Sounding Law Terminology

10. Have you looked through his briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counsel;er, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For R600 an hour, he better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave him the stiffest one he could.

And the #1 dirty law statement ................

1. Think you can get me off?

 The Missing Lover

A guy went to the police station with his room mate to report that his lover was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

He said, "He's 35 years old, 2 metres tall, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 92 kgs, is soft-spoken, and has an 8 inch cock."

The room mate protested, "Your lover is 1,65 m, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and you told me his dick was smaller than your pinkie finger."

The guy replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

 Construction Workers

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 Home Alone

Tony goes out leaving Steve at home alone and the doorbell rings.

He opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

Steve replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Steve, you have the greatest body I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks just to see your bare chest."

Steve thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! He opens his robe and shows his hairy chest to him for a few seconds. Chris promptly thanks him and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris then says "That was so amazing I've got to see your dick too. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see your dick for a few seconds."

Steve, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So he opens his robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. Steve goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Two Fleas

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of Natal to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived, shivering and shaking. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

To which the second flea replied "I just rode here on a biker's mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to get here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens loo, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm".

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again shivering, shaking, and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"

To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the men's looand this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

 Missing Gravy Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"  

 Gay Rodeo Mishap

Three guys went to the AGRA rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.

Being good God fearing men, they ascended up to Heaven where they were met at the gate by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven guys. However I must warn you that we do have our rules here in Heaven. If you break the rules, you will be punished. One rule is, don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack and it just goes on and on." The three guys decided that sounded simple enough and they passed through the Pearly Gates.

Sure enough, there were ducks everywhere! It didn't take long before the first guy was hurrying along and he stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, and it was a terrible racket and it just went on and on.

Pretty soon here came St. Peter and he had a homely little man in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the rules you would be punished." He chained the homely little man to the first guy with a little short piece of chain and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Before long guy #2 stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and it was a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Lo and behold here came St. Peter with an even homelier little man, saying "I warned you that if you broke the rules you would be punished." He chained the little man to the second guy with a little short piece of chain and said, "You will be together ever after," and walked away.

Well, the third guy decided he was going to be very careful not to step on a duck. He was doing quite well when one day St. Peter came with a gorgeous hunk of man. He chained them together and said, "You will be together for eternity" and walked away.

The guy said, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," said the hunk, "but I stepped on a duck."

 Lovers Castoffs

A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.

Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"

"Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride. He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'

"And so, here we are!"

 
Four Rednecks

Four rednecks got together at a reunion.

Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit.

The first man said his son was doing so well, he owned a housing construction company. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a brand spanking new house.

The second man said his son was doing just as well. He now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. He had become so rich he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The third man said his was doing well too. He owned a car dealership firm specializing in exotic cars. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are, and asked how his son was doing.

He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

 Blowing Smoke

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is beginning to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

SEE HOW FAR WE HAVE COME!