Julianne's Sanctuary
I always knew I was really a girl, even when I was a boy.
At my 40 Year High School class reunion 9-23-06
Snapshot by Paulette after I had been awake 24 hours, and played a New Year's Eve gig with Penny and the Glitterbitch band
Practice with my new band
Snapshot taken by John when visiting Hurricane Ridge 7-20-03
Digital snapshot taken by Mardi at Interracial Tomato's 2/23/01 gig at the Go Club
Snapshot taken by my friends Jim and Kimmie at Thanksgiving Dinner, 2000
Polaroid taken for my Esprit I.D. card 2000 by Trisha
Having fun playing music in the TCTV studios
Monty, Rocky, and Julianne taping Episode 1 of The Rhythm Section
Katelyn's camera magic
Taken at the Emerald City picnic June 1999
At Lucille's
August 18, 1999 was my first flirtation with changing my haircolor from my natural silver. 
Snapshot, courtesy of Norman Sinnott of Rainbow Photography 1999
I try to look sultry, after a night out at Esprit 1998
Alone in my room, Esprit 1998
October 1998 was an eventful month for me. On October 7, not only did I at long last receive my divorce from my demented housemate, but the same document also legally changed my name to Julianne Michelle. On October 16, I had my appointment with the internist, and got my hormone prescripts. Began taking them on October 17. During the month I also got all my I.D.'s switched over to my new legal name.
November 5 I received my letter from the State that approves the gender change on my driver's license, so on Sat, Nov 7 I got a new driver's license that says I am a legal woman! I've been feeling incredibly happy these days...very unusual for me, but very enjoyable!
November 20 marked my second internist visit, at which time he increased my hormone dosages. November 25 was the first real outing for The Baldwin Group, a 70's disco band I've been rehearsing with. November 23 I had another therapy appointment with Sandy, and we decided it was time to finish telling everybody who's known the male me that I'm planning to transition completely to the female role by the first of the year.
December 1 I actually told my boss I was planning to change gender. December 14 he let me go, explaining that it was a cost-cutting move. I'm looking for work, and take this opportunity as
a chance to change careers and get back into social service, or management and organization. So far, I've submitted applications and resumes. No nibbles, yet. The Baldwin band has played a few gigs now, and that feels good. I have been living full time as a woman, since Dec 15, and that feels natural, and is really like "coming home."
Well, May came and went, and so with it, the annual Esprit Transgender festival. I spent six days in Port Angeles, WA at the posh Doubletree for the duration of this much-awaited event. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. It was wonderful meeting face to face all the girls I'd chatted with online. I'm still unemployed, but not demoralized. . .somebody somewhere someday is going to discover just what a gem I am!
The Baldwin Group. . .left to right are Julianne,bass; Steve,guitar; Donelle,drums and leader; Michele,vocalist and my good friend; and Maria, goddess of piano and vocals! April 2,1999 was Michele's farewell performance, as she had her sights on a brand-new job in CA. The group continued on til May, and is now history. It was a fun ride while it lasted!
June, July, and August 1999 came and left, and with them some pleasant days of summer. I have taken two state exams now for the Department of Personnel...one for Safety and Health Specialist, and one for Customer Service specialist....at least I'm in the pool of applicants! I do hope to find work soon! My unemployment ran out, and now what's keeping me afloat is living on my rather small retirement fund, until that's exhausted, or until I become gainfully employed, whichever comes first!
My musical creativity has been bottled up of late because of lack of a band to perform with. In July, I met a fun group of people in a local band who kindly let me sit in on bass and sing.
I was invited to attend a most wonderful outdoor wedding of two really beautiful people on Saturday August 14, 1999. Meeting neighbors and friends of theirs and mine, and sharing in the community of spirit and celebration of life at this joyous event will be a memory I will keep, always. Congratulations, Daniel and Maggie! And thank you for one of the most magnificent days of my life!
September, and October 1999 came in and blew out without leaving me much more than memories and piles of colorful autumn leaves. I did manage to have a trache shave performed by Dr. Meltzer in Portland on October 12. He, his staff, and the beautiful nurses at Eastmoreland Hospital made my day surgery and overnight stay
comfortable.
For a time I was greasy up to my eyebrows during the ordeal of changing the engine in my defunct 1984 Ford Bronco II--I'm glad THAT's over, and am reminded why I don't care very much for that line of work, anymore! This month also marks the near-exhaustion of my pension fund. Where the money will come from in December, only the Goddess knows.
January 2000 brought with it a better outlook for employment. I had more interviews in January than I'd had in the previous 12 months. I'm on four different registers for Washington State employment opportunities, and hope for the best.
The money seems to drift in from a variety of sources, just in time to be paid out to creditors, the phone and power companies, and other frivolities. I've been trying to work with creditors so that they will allow me to continue paying at a much lower rate than my "minimum due", and some have been obliging. I still get frequent phone calls from them, and I'm endeavoring to keep all the plates spinning.
Took the test to work for the U.S. Department of Commerce, Bureau of the Census and scored 100% on it. Later I got tapped to participate in a one-night enumeration called "T-Night" and also in a week-long training for crew leaders.
I attended my first Women's Retreat with the Unitarian Universalist Women's Federation from March 17-19, 2000. It felt wonderful being accepted by the 45 women in attendance as truly one of them. I also landed a temporary, part-time job through one of the UU women who is a member of the Triangles (GLBT) group. Networking is good!
More interviews are slated for April and May. I have my fingers crossed for a State of Washington job with the Health Care Authority's Basic Health Division in their Call Center. Wal Mart also asked me to interview for their Assistant Manager Training program, which will begin interviews the last week in May.
I truly feel that the cosmos have come into better alignment for me, and that the Goddess is smiling on me a little more. I do hope this trend continues! Life is good!
Hooray, hooray! It's the First of May, and I've accepted without an eyeblink's hesitation, a job with the State of Washington in the Call Center of Basic Health, a division of the Washington State Health Care Authority. I was so happy when I got the message on my machine I was laughing and crying at the same time.
The long drought seems to be over. Thank you, Goddess!! And thank you to my many friends who have given me emotional support during the dark times so that I could carry on until I emerged from the darkness into the light. I truly feel like my life has changed significantly, and for the better. I've never been so happy in all my life; not when my children were born; not when I was divorced; not when I was OK'd to begin hormone treatments; not when I'd paid off my mortgage. I'm giddy and enjoying the ride.
My unit in Basic Health, receiving an award from Governor Gary Locke. I'm the highest object in the photo
The tide seems to be running with me at long last. I received a 1/2 scholarship to attend Esprit 2000, when I'd given up on being able to afford it. Wal Mart offered me the interview for their management program, but I was happy to inform them I'd taken employment with the State of Washington. My ex has gotten her financing approved for the property her mobile home sits on, so she will be moving out soon! The forester I hired to help me improve my forest and earn some extra income came through, and so I have enough $$ to catch up with all my creditors, and to pay Uncle Sam his segniorage. Thank you, Goddess! Life is good!
Taken at Michele's wedding 7/9/00 in Yountville, CA.
In September 2000 I requested my internist to change my hormone
dosage and type of medication from the oral premarin, to the injectible estradiol. I also requested he add an oral progesterone. I will be interested to see what, if anything, results from this.
My first six months of employment with the State were in a 9-month duration temporary position, in-training to become a
HIBS 2 (Health Insurance Benefits Specialist 2). October 20 I was appointed to a permanent position as a full-fledged HIBS 2.
The security is wonderful, and I breathe more easily knowing I won't be jobless again in February. There was also a pay increase from range 37 to range 41, and then a 6 month raise ten days after that, effective November 1. I savor every minute, and am grateful every day for the wonderful things that are happening for me. To be alive, and in good health, feeling free to be myself, able to enjoy the scenic beauty all around me fills me with a joy like none I've known before in my life.
This year, 2000, I again face Thanksgiving and Christmas on my own, as my parents have still not seen fit to accept me as fit company for the traditional "Family Holidays." I feel I'm the same lovable person deep down inside, and so their failure to accept me in my new gender is really their problem, not mine. Thanksgiving this year I spent with Jim and Kimmie, two wonderful friends. Christmas, I again spent with Michael and Shannon, who embraced me as one of their own extended family members by inviting me to spend Christmas with them in 1999 and 2000.
My issues of late seem to center around being alone. This is not a surprise, as I fully expected that I'd be alone much of the time. When one is gender dysphoric, it's a lonely life anyhow, as very few can really understand what that's like. Once you've transitioned to female gender, you are faced with the reality that nobody wants to be your partner. I feel the need to have a soulmate, a companion. I know intellectually that this is very unlikely, as I don't fit a neatly polarized mold. Emotionally, I'm still working at trying to accept that there will be no one for me. In the interim, I have my romantic fantasies, and yearn for someone who will think I'm special, who wants to walk hand-in-hand along the beach at sunset, who wants to cuddle with me beside a warm fire. I suppose these are basic human needs that will never go away. To be a transsexual is to be lonely.
It's April, 2001 and this springtime finds me having some male attention, at long last. I actually had a date with someone I met through some internet personals, and it felt good. I will have to accept that this particular relationship just wasn't meant to be.
June, 2001. I have gotten my home equity loan through the good offices of the Washington State Employees' Credit Union based on my home's tax valuation. I at last have the funds I need to get my SRS (or GRS if you prefer). I am also planning to do some things like have a new roof put on the house, repair the old decrepit chimney, and other needed repairs. I'm also looking forward to treating myself to a few new, and long-needed things, like a new comfortable bed, and a new computer.
I'm involved in a blues band with my old friend Donelle Baldwin, a fantastic alto saxophone player named Russell Hubley, and Betsy Holt, "Olympia's Blueswoman" We've had some gigs together doing old blues standards and some swing tunes. In June, through July 2001, we're appearing Thursdays at Oliver's in Olympia on 9th and Capital. Following this, Betsy decided to go back to performing solo.
I've decided to proceed with my scheduled SRS date with Dr. Toby Meltzer in Portland 2/22/02. The earliest date I could get with Dr. Brassard was 2/03. Although the fees are less, I'm ready to have this part of my life behind me, and don't want to wait another year.
I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends. A group of gals I've known since we co-founded the All Souls Unitarian Universalist Community in Lacey got together to be my Support Team throughout my SRS experience. Kay drove me down, and stayed long enough to support me, and to pick up an egg-crate foam pad for the rather hard Eastmoreland Hospital mattresses (highly recommended!) Jeanne showed up and loaned me her precious vintage Gibson to play on while I was in the hospital. Laurie & Sam; Charmagne & Barb; and Kathleen all coordinated caring for my kitties and collecting my mail while I was away. Eileen and Maggie rented a Cadillac with comfy seats to ferry my tushy home from Portland in. Billie welcomed me into her home to stay for three weeks so I wouldn't have to deal with 40 lb propane bottles or trying to swing an axe to split kindling to keep myself warm during my recovery.
The surgery went as expected. Dr. Meltzer told me I had an easier time of it than the majority of his patients. I continue to be in awe of his talents as an artist and a skilled surgeon. The results he gave me exceed my expectations. It feels wonderful to have my body match the rest of me, at long last.
I went to the 2002 UU Women's Retreat, and enjoyed the notion of getting in touch with one's body through improvisational dance and movement during the program hosted by Krista Gemmel Harris entitled Let It Be A Dance!
Following this lovely retreat weekend at beautiful Camp Seymour on Henderson Bay, I finally returned home to my own space, and my own comfortable bed.
I went through quite a flurry of nesting activity and got the bathroom totally scrubbed out during my first full day home. After two days I was out of propane, so I cleaned the woodstove, chimneys, and brought in firewood that my dear friend Jim had split for me before I went away to Portland. I'm trying to settle into a new routine, preparatory to getting back to work April 1.
Monday April 1 was my first day back on the job. The gals bought me a Welcome Back Easter Lilly plant, and decorated the pot with a guitar design. It felt good to be back again. Sitting for prolonged periods becomes uncomfortable, but fortunately in my job I can get up, move around, stand, or perch on the chair as I talk to clients on the phone. Life is very good!
In July 2002 my internet friend John flew out from Chicago to visit me. I had my labiaplasty on 8/21/02. In September, I won an appeal with the Washington State Department of Personnel, establishing that my Communications and English degree
do in fact qualify me to be placed on the Technical Writer register, and eligible for a job doing writing of informational materials within my agency, the Health Care Authority. I feel very validated in having my qualifications recognized. Now if only the job I applied for within the HCA would open up!
I've taken the exams and scored well enough to be placed on the registers for Lead Worker (HIBS 3) and Supervisor (HIBS 4). Perhaps some day I will be promoted.
I've begun some volunteer work with the Gender Variant Healthcare Project, and also as a facilitator for the Gender Identity group at Stonewall Youth. It feels good to be giving back to the community.
John flew out to visit me in October 2002, and again in December. I reciprocated and visited him in Chicago for the week of the Blues Festival in Grant Park May 24-June 1, 2003. He then spent all of July 2003 here, and helped me by finishing up the painting of the trim on my house.
I have begun playing with a blues band called The FTE's. We have had our first gigs together this summer at the Go Club, and the Lakefair festival in Olympia. It feels nice to be playing, regularly, again.
The FTE's as opening act for Alice Stuart in the Beer Garden at Olympia's Lakefair festival 7-17-03
I've also been going to more of the jams at places like Charlie's on Wednesday nights, and The Matrix in Chehalis on the 1st Friday of each month.
I was lucky to survive an auto accident on 2/7/03 on HWY 101. I was traveling North when a pickup truck pulled out from Lynch Rd right into my path, and I side-punched him at 45 m.p.h. My trusty 82 Honda was demolished, saving my life by absorbing all the energy of that crash. My right knee seems to be the biggest casualty of this.
In November 2003 I flew to Chicago to spend Thanksgiving with John and his family. It was wonderful to be part of a family gathering, after so long. I feel that I've been accepted by his family as one of their own. It was a wonderful bonding experience going shopping with his sister Kathy, sister-in-law Maria, and niece Juliette.
John flew out from Chicago in December 2003 so we can try out cohabiting for
awhile. It's nice to have a companion and domestic partner. I'm concerned about his aged mother, Agnes, since John was the main person to help her out with errands, shopping, and other chores.
John and me at the Ingersoll Gala December 14, 2003. We were very happy together then. You may notice the flash made me squint, and reflects off of John's glasses. Photo from Historical Archives
January 12, 2004 John and I were involved in a head-on collision on the Agate Road as he was taking me to work. I'd had surgery on my right knee January 6, and couldn't drive myself. The 86 Honda was a total write-off, and poor John had a compound fracture of his left elbow. I suffered some broken ribs. He had surgery to reassemble his elbow using a couple of screws and a steel plate.
Maggie of All Souls donated her 94 Civic to me to replace my wrecked car. She had been planning to buy a new hybrid Insight later on, but decided now was a good time. I love her, and all of my All Souls family.
June marked a six-month "semi-anniversary" for John and I in our cohabitation
trial. We got along very well, and it was nice to have someone I could rely on to help me out when I needed to have a prescription picked up, or the power bill paid. He's been hired on by Olympic College as a math instructor, and I'm sure this helps his sense of self, and makes him feel like he can contribute more to the running of our household. He says he likes living in Washington a lot, and I felt this was a very good thing.
June 20, 2004 was a watershed day in our relationship. We went to the Olympia Air Show together, but he dumped me and went off by himself to enjoy the show. Crushed,I took consolation sitting in the shade of the Budweiser tent, and told him later, that if this had been our first date, it would also have been our last. To me, being abandoned for the afternoon is the same as being stood up on a first date. I think it shows disrespect. To me it says, "I really don't want your company."
Things went downhill between John and I, with him shopping for new girlfriends on the Internet using my computer. I decided to get back into the dating game, myself.
I met a wonderful man named Karl in December. John decided he should move back home to Chicago at the end of his teaching term 3/26/05. We were barely speaking. My relationship with Karl grew. I ended up living at his place in Seattle and commuting to my job in Olympia, while John occupied my home, and used my spare car, without either a rental or a thank-you.
January 23 Karl told me he wants to marry me. I can die a happy woman, now that I've experienced such a wonderful, joyful thing! I recognized that his rocky financial picture, and my own emotional turmoil about a 3 year relationship crumbling meant that neither of us were ready to make that kind of committment. I told him, "Let's revisit the issue in 3 months." We were both content with that. Karl and Juli at the Triangles Valentines dance gig 2-12-05
Clairol (This one
is cute...you can experiment with hairstyles if you have a mind to. . .)
Feminine Voice Interested in feminizing your voice? This site has great suggestions.
Seattle Filmworks
(Discreet and quality developing and printing of your pictures; I
like that they
Kiss Dolls (You're
missing something if you don't know about KISS dolls for your computer!
I was going to give John a ride to the airport for his 3/26/05 flight, but he blew up and told me he hated me. I responded in anger, telling him he could damn well take a cab to the airport, then. We've not spoken or corresponded since. I feel badly about it, but I've learned that not everything in life goes the way we would want it to go.
My newest band, Dr. Broers & the Prescriptions
Karl's digital Leica captured Maurie and Juli at the Charlie's Blues Jam. The weird purple glow in our hair isn't a new punk look, it's because the bar's neons lighted us this way.>
Since then, Karl and I have parted ways, as he's clearly not yet ready for a partner in his life. He wants to keep his worries, and his feelings bottled up, and I am one for sharing and support.
FOR WEB EXCELLENCE!
Links to other sites on the Web
Dr. Anne Lawrence's resource page. The new SOC are linked from there
The IFGE Website...A motherlode of resource information
All Souls Unitarian Universalist Community This is the church group that a small number of Lacey, WA UU's and I co-founded. These are wonderful people, and I consider all of them as my family.
The Rainbow CenterThis is great resource for all things GLBT in Olympia and the South Sound area.
The Unitarian Universalist Association's Office of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender ConcernsThis is another resource for all things GLBT. I contributed an essay to their new book Crossing Paths: Where Religion and Transgender Meet
The Ingersoll Gender Center Web site
Susan's Place (one of
my favorites!)
Transexual? Don't Know? Take
this test! (COGIATI)
Zen and the art of Post-Op
Maintenance (Everything you wanted to know and didn't know
WHOM to ask!)
IJT (Transgender
Journal) Site. Great reading on TS and TG topics.
CDS
Bookstand (Lottsa books! Remember
THOSE? No crashes, no
configuration problems. . .)
can scan them onto a disk, and then e-mail you when the pix are ready.
You
can then download them 3 days earlier than getting everything via ground
mail.)
I especially like the Malcolm one)