Barbies We'd Like To See

Birkenstock Barbie

Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie

Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-the Bullet Barbie

An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue-Collar Barbie

Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves

Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie

So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge of Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Options include a tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie's townhouse. Accessories include garb suitable for most Christian and eastern faiths. So why not already?

Homegirl Barbie

A Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. Complete with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull the cord and she says things like, "I don't THINK so!" "Dang, get outta my face," and "you GO girl!" Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people.

Transsexual Barbie

Formerly known as G.I. Joe

Robotic Barbie

Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie

A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket-O'-Fried-Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut coffee ring, a brick of Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie comes as no surprise to most women. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skin, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities include:

Melrose Place Barbie

Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman

This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one's nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most-Wanted Barbie

She's on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism!

Oprah Barbie

Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Ken's who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-called Barbie

She faces the same troubling issues as teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.

Roseanne Barbie

The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote

Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

Barbie® - is a registered trademark of the Mattel Corporation. "Barbie®'s We'd Like To See" Page is not affiliated with the Mattel Corporation.

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