Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

1. Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about you... and that's a good thing!"
2. Contents of your curbside recycling tub stolen and replaced with juice can pencil holders and milk carton flower vases.
3. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
4. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
5. Size 6 Bruno Magli imprints on all your doilies.
6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petali & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
7. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you -- even after you leave the bathroom.
8. You discover that every napkin in the whole friggin' house has been folded into a swan.
9. No matter *where* you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
10. Annoying crank phone calls begin with, "Hold, please, for Ms. Stewart."
11. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
12. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
13. The sharpened macaroni shells underfoot in the bathroom are stained to match the shower curtain.
14. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
15. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

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