Men in the doghouse

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:

Simple Duties

• You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
• But return with beer: -5
• You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
• You pummel it with a six iron: +10
• It's her father: -10

Social Engagements

• You stay by her side the entire party: 0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2
• Named Tiffany: -4
• Tiffany is a dancer: -6
• Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons

• You visit her parents: +1
• You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
• You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
• And the television is off: -6
• You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
• And you didn't even go to college: -10
• And it's not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday

• You take her out to dinner: 0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
• Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
• You give her a gift: 0
• You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
• You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
• You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
• You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
• You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
• With her credit card: -30
• And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness

• You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Out with Your Pals

• You have a few beers: -9
• For every beer after three, -2 again
• And miss curfew by an hour: -12
• You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
• You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
• And not wearing any pants: -40
• Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Just The Two of You

• You go see a comic: +2
• He's crude and sexist: -2
• You laugh: -5
• You laugh too much: -10
• She's not laughing: -15
• You laugh harder: -25

Driving

• You lose the directions on a trip: -4
• You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
• You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25
• She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

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