The New Unabridged Hick Dickshunary of Computer Terms

LOG ON: Don't add no more wood.
LOG OFF: Making a wood stove hotter.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak flyseason.
CHIP: Munchies for the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's on the bottom of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang truck keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.
MOUSE PAD: Hippie talk fer the rat hole.
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Yankee talk fer, C'mon in ya'll.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't recollect whut ya paid fer the darn rifle.

Bonus: An assortment of Amazing Mishaps

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

With a Little Help from Our Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

And What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

And for the Main Course.

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...

Too Well-Educated

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."

Did I Say That?!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

Ouch, That Smarts!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody..

Are We Not Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?

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