Throughout gender reassignment surgery history, there has been many plausible methods implemented, in order to live as the gender of one's choice, for the rest of one's life, successfully.
Those methods include many arduous tasks, that I firmly believe oughta to be terminated and eradicated, because introduction to the social ramifications of choosing one's opposite gender is in itself, a complex task. So I thought it'd be best, to simplify them. To cut out the middleman, as it were.
So, I the gender anarchoterrorist that I am, decided to make these costly steps a cinch for those of you, who are going through the process of gender reassignment.
As, I once sadly discovered when I was seeking SRS, the trick to successful gender reassignment surgery is to invent yourself a life, you've never had. In other words, the SRS industry does demand you that you do so or else you can kiss your new self bye bye. Plainly put, successful gender reassignment surgery can be summed up in one sentence and one sentence only: Inventing the truth.
And, I being the wickedly benevolent beast that I am, pondered about the best way to fabricate it cleverly. Months went on and nothing came my way. Then alas! One day, someone sent me, a couple of poems. I chose to use those as a slide rule, for those of you seeking SRS.
So here they are, the two poems, each of you, must learn by heart, in order to invent yourself, a new life. As my female father, once pointed out to me: "You must know the lie carnally, in order to deceive properly. That is the only way for the lie to become the absolute truth." So without further ado, according to SRS direction. Enjoy!!!
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "re adjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
These poems were sent to me by Linda at AOL and once again wickedly altered its original intention.
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