From our earliest childhood, each of us feels ourselves to be special, unique, irreplaceable, and distinct. This feeling of distinction is as powerful as the human life-urge, the survival instinct, itself. In the most beautiful and sublime statement about being human ever written, the Bible says that G-d created man in His own image. Just as there is only one G-d, and He is therefore the One and Only, there is also only one of us, and each of us feels ourselves to be the one and only.

This is ultimately why I believe in the institution of marriage. Marriage is a statement that a man and a woman make to one another, for the duration of their lives, saying they would rather spend more time together with each other than with any other person on the planet. And a proclamation of that magnitude makes us feel like there is no-one as unique as us. This is the source of marriage's sanctity, security, and holiness.

In my first book on marriage, The Jewish Guide to Adultery, I asserted that in order for any marriage to be successful, it must contain two essential ingredients, although, ironically, they are contradictory. They are passion and excitement on the one hand, and intimacy, dependability, and predictability on the other. King Solomon says in his beautifiul Song of Songs that there are two kinds of love, one like fire, the other like water, which correspond to the two ingredients mentioned above.

The love like fire is where husband and wife hunger and lust for each other. They must feel desirable to each other and their union sets sparks flying. In short, they are lovers. But if there wasn't friendship and closeness in the marriage, if it was primarily and solely about raw chemical, animal attraction, the marriage would remain totally incomplete. So you need a watery love as well. You need to be best friends.

Fire and water are opposites. They cannot readily coexist simultaneously. But that does not mean that they need counteract each other. The fire of sexual attraction and sexual union in the bedroom leads to the closeness and intimacy of life outside the bedroom. Marriage is about inspiring the kind and positive feelings and warmth that only sex can induce and only friendship and intimacy can sustain.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is Director of the L'Chaim Society

from the frames version of uniting sexuality and faith