Be Yourself

Questions and Answers for Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Youth

The world can be a tough place for a teenager. You're in one of the mostconfusing times of your life.

For one thing, your body is changing more than it will at any other time. And your hormones, hard at work changing your body, can be playing around with your moods. You may feel great one day and miserable the next, for no clear reason.

The rules are changing. You're expected to act more and more like an adult. You may have new adult responsibilities like volunteer work or a part-time job, but you might not be given adult rights, like coming home at whatever time you want.

Your relationship with your parents is changing. You're becoming more independent, and they're having to accept that you're not their little girl or boy any more. That's not easy for either of you.

And all of a sudden, something you didn't think about a few years ago - sex - might feel like the most important thing in the world.

If you're a gay, lesbian, or bisexual teenager - or if you think you might be gay or wonder if you are - it's even more confusing, because probably no one ever prepared you for that.

When you were younger, your parents and relatives may have teased you about liking girls if you're a guy, or guys if you're a girl. Maybe they talked about "when you grow up and start dating" or "when you fall in love and get married." But they probably never talked about when you grow up and fall in love with another guy, or about marrying a woman just like you.

TV, movies, and magazines all mostly show men with women. The music you hear is about falling in love with the opposite sex. If you're a guy, your friends are probably talking about girls, and if you're a girl, they're talking about guys.

All of that makes things hard if you're gay, because you don't have much that relates to you.

This booklet was written to try to help you - to answer some of your questions, to suggest books you can read and people to whom you can talk - and to help you understand three things:

• One: Being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is a normal and healthy way to be. It's one more part of who you are - like being tall or short, or black or white or Asian or Latino.
  
• Two: It takes time to know who you are. It's okay to be confused, it's okay to be unsure whether you're gay or straight, and it's okay to take your time finding out. There's no need to rush.
  
• Three: You're not alone. Right now, there are tens of thousands of other teenagers, all thinking they're gay or wondering if they're gay, all wondering if they're the only one, all trying to find someone to talk to about it. Hundreds of thousands more, however, have already traveled that road.

One of them or another helpful person will be on the other end of the line if you call any of the numbers at the back of this book. They're people with whom you can talk openly, compare notes, and ask advice.

The questions other teens have had about being gay shape this booklet. We hope it will help you find your own answers.

DEFINITIONS USED IN THIS BOOKLET

Heterosexual, or straight, refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings are mostly for the opposite gender: Men who are attracted to women, and women who are attracted to men.

Homosexual, or gay, refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings are mostly for the same gender: Men who are attracted to men, and women who are attracted to women.

Lesbian refers to women who are homosexual.

Bisexual or bi refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings are for both genders.

In this booklet, the word gay is used to include homosexuals and bisexuals, male and female.

THE SHORT ANSWER: You'll know when you know. It could take a while, and there's no need to rush.

Some gay people say that, from the time they were very young - even just five or six - they "felt different." They didn't share the grade/school crushes about which friends talked, or thgy had crushes on friends of their own sex-and no one seemed to be talking about that.

Often, they say, it took a while to put a name to their feelings - to begin to think of themselves as gay, or lesbian, or bisexual. But when they started thinking in those words, it made sense - it fit with the feelings they'd had growing up.

Many other people, though, don't begin to figure out their sexual orientation until they're teenagers or even adults - and it can be confusing.

At some point, almost everybody gets a "crush" on someone of the same sex, like a great teacher or a friend's older sister or brother. Almost everybody's "best friend" is of the same sex. But none of that means you're gay.

One or two sexual experiences with someone of the same sex may not mean you're gay, either - just as one or two sexual experiences with someone of the opposite sex may not mean you're straight. Many gay people have some sexual experiences with the opposite gender, and many straight people have some sexual experiences with their own gender.

It's important to know, too, that you can be a virgin or not be sexually active and still know that you're gay. Your feelings and your emotional and physical attractions will help tell you who you are.

Our sexuality develops over time. Only worry if you aren't sure. The teen years are a time of figuring out what works for you, and crushes and experimentation are often part of that. Over time, you'll find that you're drawn mostly to men or to women - or to both - and you'll know then. You don't have to label yourself today.

If you think you're gay, lesbian, or bisexual, don't be afraid of it, and don't hide your feelings from yourself. All that does is keep you from figuring out your sexual identity - from figuring yourself out.

THE SHORT ANSWER: No.

Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the world's best-known sex researcher, concluded from his research that almost nobody is purely straight or purely gay. He found that most people have some attraction to the same sex during their lives, and that many people have some sexual experiences with the same sex, or with both sexes.

Think of it as a range, or "sexual continuum." At one end of the range are many people who are attracted only to the same sex. At another end of the range are many people who are attracted only to the opposite sex. And in between are people who are attracted to both sexes.

So wherever you are on that continuum, you've got plenty of company. Some estimates say that one of every ten people is gay.

There are gay people all around you - you just can't always tell who they are. They're white, black, Asian, Hispanic, and Native American. They're Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Buddhist. They're old and young, rich and poor. They're doctors and nurses, construction workers, teachers and students, secretaries, ministers and rabbis, store clerks, mechanics, business people, police officers, politicians, and athletes.

And when they were teenagers, most of them probably felt the same way you do. If you get to feeling you're all by yourself, just remember: singer k.d. lang probably felt that way too. And Elton John. And tennis star Martina Navratilova. And Congressman Gerry Studds. And thousands and thousands of other people.

THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes. Being gay is as natural, normal, and healthy as being straight.

No one knows exactly how human sexual orientation - gay or straight - is determined. Most experts think it's a matter of genetics, biology, and environment - that a person's sexual orientation could be set before birth or as early as two or three years old.

Dr. Richard Pillard, a psychiatrist at Boston University School of Medicine, points out that homosexuality exists "in virtually every animal species that has been exhaustively studied." Homosexuality is as much a part of nature as heterosexuality.

Not only is it as natural, it's as healthy to be gay as to be straight - no matter what some people might tell you. The American Psychiatric Association declared in 1973 that homosexuality is not a mental disorder or disease, and the American Psychological Association says that it would be unethical to try to change a gay person's sexual orientation.

Many other people besides scientists, psychologists, and psychiatrists now understand that, too, Ann Landers, the advice columnist, recently wrote: "It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age, so many people fail to understand that homosexuality is not a lifestyle that is chosen. That 'choice' was made at birth."

So if you're wondering why you're gay, the answer is that some people are gay and some people are straight just as some people have blue eyes and some people have brown eyes. It's not something that anybody can choose to be or not to be. It's just one more piece of who you are.

THE SHORT ANSWER: Ignore the stereotypes. Some people fit them, some don't. Be yourself.

Gay people, like straights, act all kinds of ways. Stereotypes arise out of ignorance and prejudice. Sometimes a stereotype about a group doesn't fit anyone in that group. Sometimes it fits a few people, sometimes more. But a stereotype never fits everyone in any group.

For example, you might hear that gay men are "effeminate." Well, for just a few recent examples that show how ridiculous and untrue that statement is - what about Dave Kopay, who played NFL football for 10 years, or Olympic gold medalist diver Greg Louganis? Both men are gay - along with many other famous athletes. What about the openly gay police officers in major cities? What about Joe Steffan, one of the most decorated Navy cadets of the last few years? And what about Bob Jackson-Paris, former Mr. Universe?

You'll also probably hear about transvestites and transsexuals. Transvestites are people who like to dress like members of the opposite sex. Most transvestites are actually straight. Transsexuals are people who want to change their gender through surgery, and then live their lives just like any other man or woman. Being gay doesn't make you a transvestite or a transsexual, and being a transvestite or transsexual doesn't make you gay. (For more information on transgendered people, ask the organizations in the resources directory of this booklet for referrals.)

Some people react to stereotypes by trying to act just the opposite. Some straight males who aren't sure of their sexuality may act super macho, as do some gay men who are afraid of being identified as gay, or "outed." Some lesbian women act very feminine for the same reason.

Remember - you don't need to prove anything to anybody. Just be yourself.

THE SHORT ANSWER: Everybody has to be informed about HIV and AIDS.

Being young doesn't protect you from getting AIDS. A lot of people in their 20s and 30s who are dying from AIDS today became infected when they were teenagers. It's not who you are - gay or straight, male or female, black or white - but what you do that puts you at risk for HIV infection.

AIDS is a disease caused by a virus. That virus, named HIV, destroys the body's immune system, making a person susceptible to fatal illnesses or infections. There is no known cure, and there is no vaccine that prevents AIDS.

There are three main ways you can become infected with HIV: (1) by having unprotected sex with an infected person; (2) by sharing drug needles or syringes with an infected person; or (3) an infected woman can pass the virus to her baby during pregnancy or birth.

Also, you can't judge by appearances whether someone has the HIV virus or not. The virus can be inactive as long as ten years. Someone who appears healthy could still be infected.

You can protect yourself, though. Do not share needles or syringes. If you are shooting or using street drugs, seek professional help from a local clinic. The one sure way to avoid HIV infection through sex is not to have sex. And gay or straight, it you are sexually active, learn about "safer sex" to protect yourself. Some safer sex practices include using latex condoms or dental dams to stop the HIV virus.

It is not within the scope of this booklet, however, to give a complete overview of HIV/AIDS and safer sex. For more information, contact one of the organizations or AIDS hotlines in the resources list.

THE SHORT ANSWER: Some people will accept you and some won't.

Prejudice and discrimination are everywhere in America, and around the world. There's prejudice against blacks, against women, against older people, against any group you can name. Women weren't allowed to vote in the United States until the early 1900s because our society thought they weren't smart enough. While the Suffragette movement - and later the women's movement - helped to change that kind of thinking, women still encounter discrimination on the job, on the streets, in politics, and in the home. It takes time to overcome prejudice and change attitudes.

If you're gay, you're going to run into prejudice. Our society has a "heterosexual assumption." We're taught - by our families, our schools, our religions, and the media - to assume that everyone is straight, and we're often influenced to discriminate against those who aren't. That "assumption" has begun to change only recently.

The prejudice you run into could be fairly mild, like people assuming you're straight when you're not, and embarrassing you with their mistake. But it could be much worse. Gays are at risk to be beaten up, kicked out of their homes, and fired from their jobs - just for being gay. People often fear what they don't understand, and hate what they fear. That's the basis of prejudice and, when it's aimed at gays, it's called "homophobia."

Homophobia is being challenged, however, as more and more people are learning that being gay is as normal and healthy as being straight. Attitudes are starting to change partly because gay people - like women, Jews, and blacks did before them - are beginning to stand up and say, "I'm gay and I'm proud." Attitudes are changing also because other people are standing up with gays to say, "These gay people are my friends, or my children, or my brothers - and I'm proud of them."

THE SHORT ANSWER: If you feel alone, you are alone - and you don't need to be. There are people out there who can help. Unless their parents have been very open with them about sex, most teenagers can feel guilty and ashamed of any sexual feelings and experiences, straight or gay. Some adults have a hard time with their sexual thoughts, so it's not surprising that teenagers do, too.

On top of that, it's not easy to discover that you are gay. The prejudice that exists in our society can make you want to hide the way you feel, even from yourself. And that can make you feel isolated and all alone.

The best thing you can do is find someone to talk to that you can trust.

Maybe that's someone you already know - a friend, parent, brother or sister ... or a friend's parent or older brother or sister. Maybe it's an adult to whom you confided in the past, whom you know you can trust again.

But, right now, until you're comfortable and happy with yourself, avoid talking with anyone who you think might judge you or anyone who might be anti-gay. You could possibly check out people's reactions by bringing up the subject of homosexuality in general. Ask questions like: "I saw a TV show about being gay. Do you know any gay people?" or "Some kids in school were making fun of a kid they think is gay. Don't you think that's wrong?" or "I heard about a kid who is gay and whose parents threw her out of the house. Why would they do that?"

When you ask questions like this, however, you have to realize that people's responses aren't personal comments about you. They don't know the real intent of your questions. They might have negative comments about gay people in this situation, but respond very differently about you being gay.

If you don't know anyone with whom you're comfortable talking, who will be supportive and understanding, start by calling one of the hotline numbers or organizations listed in the back of this brochure. You can talk to a teenager or an adult. You don't have to give your name, and they won't try to talk you into or out of anything.

If you don't feel ready to talk with someone on the phone, you can get a gay pen pal or participate in one of the computer bulletin boards. And if you do want to talk with someone face-to-face, people on the national hotlines and computer bulletin boards can help you find a local group or person to call. Remember to use good judgment when making any contacts. Whatever you choose, talking really helps. And you'll learn you're really not alone.

THE SHORT ANSWER: Only if you want to, and only when you're ready. Don't come out just because someone else thinks you should.

Hiding the fact that you're gay is called "being in the closet." Being open about it is called "coming out." You can come out to one person, to friends and family only, or to everyone you know. It's up to you.

There's no reason you have to come out if you aren't ready. Sometimes there are very good reasons not to come out. There are real risks in coming out. There are people who won't accept you if you're gay, people who will do and say terrible things. They could be your parents or your friends or your classmates or your teachers, people you love or depend on.

should I "come out"?