copyright 1997 C.M.Ralph
The inspiration for this article began quite innocently enough one day while visiting my local ‘Women’s Bookstore.’ (They call it a ‘Women’s’ Bookstore because God and/or Goddess forbid, they should call it a ‘Lesbian’ Bookstore even if it is one. As comedienne Kate Clinton so aptly put it, some women wouldn’t say ‘lesbian’ if their mouths were full of one.) I was in search of lesbian humor. After perusing the store from one end to the other and not finding anything that vaguely resembled humorist writing, I asked the owner, "Where is your humor section?"
She gravely shook her head, "There isn’t one."
"Why is that?" I inquired?
She shrugged.
"Aren’t our lives just as funny as heterosexual’s lives?"
She shrugged again and feigned a polite smile that I am sure was intended to placate me. I could sense what she must have been thinking - "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG IS YOU? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT BEING A LESBIAN IS SERIOUS BUSINESS?"
During the drive home I pondered over the situation. Why indeed weren’t there any lesbian humorists? After all, we have our share of stand-up comedians, actresses and singers. But where is the lesbian Dave Barry or Erma Bombeck? Where is the lesbian P.J. O’Rourke? Why don’t we see a lesbian like Andy Rooney or Howard Stern? - now there’s a picture I don’t advocate you conjure up in your imagination. Although I have seen pictures of Stern in a dress and he’d make a darn fine drag queen. But as lesbians go, I doubt if either he or Rooney would get many dates.
So I decided to do some research. Low and behold, I discovered that our present day lack of jocularity takes its roots from a very ancient source. Namely, the Amazons.
I learned that the word Amazon means: Very big angry woman who does not laugh. Now there’s a very good reason why they didn’t laugh. These women rode bare back and topless on horses around the countrysides of Greek Mythology wielding axes and terrorizing the male population. They are described as being ‘tall’ and ‘sturdy’- obviously a bunch full-figured gals. Let’s review; we have full-figured women bereft of bras riding bareback on thundering steeds. That’s got to hurt. I know for myself that just trotting down the stairs in the morning without my bra on is enough to set-off the Richter scale in the next town. For those nubile, young ladies reading this and saying, "huh?" Don’t worry, gravity and the passage of time will all too soon make this clear to you.
Thus, exploring our collective past gives us a significant glimpse into our modern day humorless dilemma. Yet, having a sense of humor is important. As the ancient Egyptian scribe Slappsy Ramadas wrote, "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused."
The life-affirming and sanity sustaining power of humor can not be better illustrated than by a news item that appeared during the time of my writing this. 39 men and women residing in an upper-class suburb of San Diego commit mass suicide. Apparently a cult, they described themselves as ‘angels’ who worked on the internet and believed that they needed to 'shed their containers' in order to catch a ride on a UFO that was following the comet Hale-Bopp.
Uh huh.
During an interview with reporters, a neighbor described the 39 tenants as ‘very conservative’. She said that she had introduced herself to them when they moved in, and during the course of the conversation she had made some sort of joke. "It didn’t go over too well," she said, "They didn’t seem to have a good sense of humor."
Now there’s the understatement of the year. As they say, suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Another thing I have noticed by visiting the self-help sections of Women’s bookstores is that what we lack in humorist observation we more than make up for in anger. We are angry, real angry. Our book titles reflect this. ‘Dancing with Anger’, ‘One Angry Woman’, ‘Anger and Women’, ‘Women Dealing with Anger’, ‘When Anger Turns to Rage’, ‘How to Buy an Uzi’, ‘Homicidal Tips Every Woman Should Know’, ‘How to Remove Blood Stains From Your Carpet’. The list goes on and on. I can’t help but wonder if there’s a connection. Would we be this angry if the counter-balance of humor was more readily available to us?
Joan Rivers once said that humor is the most formidable weapon next to a gun. Of course you may argue that it wouldn’t be quite as formidable were it not next to the gun and you’d have me there.
What can we do to add more fun and laughter to our lesbian lives, you ask? Here are some suggestions-
The next time you encounter a "Jesus Saves" bumper sticker on a parked car, get out your magic marker and directly under it write: "When he shops at Thrifty Marts." or "At First Federal Bank."
Replace verbal exclamations such as "Goodness Gracious" with "Leaping Lesbians!" or "Holy Jumping Bull Dykes!"
The next time you pass performing street mimes, begin narrating for them. Turn it into a post modern lesbian musical.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Most importantly, if you want to laugh more you have to feel funny. That’s why I always put a couple teaspoons of chilled gelatin in my bra each morning. Follow my advice and I guarantee you will go through the rest of your life feeling funny.
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