Set: A tobacconist's shop.
Text on screen:
" In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented
the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals).
Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes....
"
A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry
Jones). The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*,
it is scratched
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds
up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is
full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is
full of eels (pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you
waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That'll be six and six, please
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would
you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through
it)...Costs six and... six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk. Meanwhile,
a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of
distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.
Cop: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot
wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk) Cop: RIGHT!!!
(drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!