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| B e a r C l a s s i f i
c a t i o n C o d e s By Bob Donahue and Jeff Stoner |
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Because "Bears" mean so many things to different people, because bears come in all shapes and sizes and have different sexual proclivities, because classified ad prices are SOOOOOO expensive, we (while eating lunch at a Boulder, Colorado, Wendy's on Thanksgiving weekend, 1989) came up with this incredibly-scientific system to describe bears and bear-like men. Since we both have interests in astronomy, we are well-versed in star and galaxy classification systems, which use prototypes to set the standards for describing things. Rather than just saying something is of "Type I" or "Type II" (etc.), it is better to use natural features to describe an object, in particular as a continuum of a range of features. Such is the case with bears. The Classification
System 0 - (Little/no beard, or incredibly sparse) Such a beard is the absolute minimum that could ever be classified as a beard. We're talking 5-o'clock shadow, here! And yes, we are of the opinion that the beardless can still find company among the ursines! 1 - (VERY slight beard) This is the kind of beard that people have who want to have a beard, but can't grow one. Or someone who is constantly at the 1-week phase. 2 - (Slight beard) A beard kept VERY short at all times, or thinned out. 3 - (Thin beard) A beard in all respects but kept thin and short. 4 - (Mostly full) A beard that is full except for a few noticeable bald spots, or kept trimmed. 5 - (Full beard) A full beard not generally trimmed, though not generally bushy. May have a few bald spots on inspection. Usually full and roundish beards fall into this category. 6 - (Very full) A full beard, not trimmed. May be slightly bushy but very full. Thick, full beards (more so than B5's) are B6's. B6's beards also generally are higher up on the cheeks than B5's. 7 - (Longish/bushy beards) A full beard or slightly thin beard with longish fur. This beard is not trimmed and does come away from the chin. 8 - (Very Long Beards) These beards are usually very bushy and haven't seen clippers for a very long time. 9 - (Belt-buckle-grazing long beards) The prototype is ZZ Top. Need we say more?
O.K... Using this scheme, it shouldn't be hard to narrow a person down to within 1 sub-class, although occasionally people may fall between two classes, and then the end result is left up to the person classifying, or one may use a hybrid designation (for example: B7/4) for those who vary across time (in the given range they spend more time near the first number).
While beards can be an observable trait of bears, there are other things that different people take into consideration as to "what makes up a bear", and things that people like in their bears. So, bearing that in mind (pun intended) there are other criteria that can/should optionally follow the "B" designation. N.B. It is not necessary to have a "grade" for each of these traits! For each there is a "neutral" value, which basically describes someone who is "average" or "unknown" within that trait. These "neutral" values are given below, but would not be reported -- treat them as either "default" or "assumed". f - "The FUR factor." Some bears are particularly hairy about the rest of their bodies, others INCREDIBLY furry, yet others though rightfully bears, have little or no fur on their chests, arms, legs, back, butt, etc. So, one of the following may be added to better describe a bear's fur: f++ WAY above average
fur t - "the TALLNESS factor." To describe bears that are tall or short for their frame. t++ a virtual giant
bear
w++ a round bear/BIG
TEDDY bear c - "the CUB factor." For the junior up and coming bears. c++ complete daddy's
boy d - "the DADDY factor." For the cubs, etc. d++ DADDY with a
vengeance (even his parents call him SIR!) Note there are now also HYBRID classes "cd" and "dc": cd A cub with "daddy
tendencies"... Sort of like a "grown up cub". g - "the GROPE factor." This is the amount one likes to be touched or pawed etc. g++ Love to grope/paw/touch
etc. Will attack without k - "the KINKY factor." for those who dare. k++ likes just about
EVERYTHING... we mean *EVERYTHING*!!! s - "SEX (ok,
SLUT) factor.
m++ Arnold Schwartzeneger
is that you? e - "the ENDOWMENT
factor." sometimes a size queen's gotta do e++ gets complete
respect even from straight men h - "the BEHR
factor." for behrs (men without beards but bears). h behr (moustache
no beard) r - "the RUGGED/OUTDOOR factor." r++ "Grizzly
Adams"
p Some idiosyncrasies --- no judgment made to whether these are "good" or "not so good" q - "the *Q* factor (ahem)" q for bears who
are out - WAY out - and love every minute of it. Stereotypes be damned, break out the chiffon and everything else,
because girlfriend, as Auntie Mame says "Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death!"
(For the stunned reading this - yes, Virginia, "q" is a GOOD thing just like "t-- and t++ are GOOD
things", "w-- and w++ are GOOD things"; nothing negative should be associated with the *labels*
pertaining to classification!)
You can make the punctuation as detailed as desired, although the best ones to read are the ones which are the most clear and simple to understand. NOTE: None of the classification materials in any way suggests a ranking or value judgment, in terms of what constitutes a "better" bear. Every person has their own favorite type!
© copyright 1996 by Resources for Bears |
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