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| D a t i n g : W h e n H a r r y m
e t S a l By Robert Buchanan |
| In all of Valentine's Day history,
I've had a grand total of one date for the holiday. Needless to say, I'm hardly an authority on the subject --
not because I don't date, but because I've never been a big fan of February 14. However in the interests of diversity
and fair representation, I, with reservations, tackle the nebulous subject of love-specifically that of gays and
lesbians. So assuming you've passed Gay 101: Queers Are Our Friends Too, you're ready to learn the theory and methodology behind boy meets boy and girl meets girl. Gay mating ritual, an art form in and of itself, follows almost an entirely different set of rules than those of our straight friends. (As a small precursor, forgive me if I'm about to sound like a.) an academic, b.) a "how-to" dating guide for gays and lesbians and/or c.) a cynic due to our token inclusion on what I consider this most "hetero" of holidays.) The Pick Up Finding that significant other requires both luck and know-how. With a little experience, one can pick gays and lesbians out of a crowd like gems in a pile of stones. It used to be that a person's style would give them away. However, many of the gay culture trademarks have been assimilated by the mainstream. Tip-offs for guys were tight white t-shirts, earrings (first one, then one in each ear), tight jeans, or combat boots. Lesbians could often spot each other in more masculine clothes (leather jackets, boots, etc.), or by short hair styles-sometimes shaved. In today's college culture, these trademarks are irrelevant. Nearly everyone at some point sports a combination of vintage gay style. So the savvy single queer needs to go to places where gays and lesbians are more likely to hang out. Certain coffee shops and bars, Ten Percent Society Dances, the running track and weight rooms at the SERF, and queer organizations are good places to start. However, gays and lesbians must proceed with caution. Closet cases are far from ready to date, and campus queer organizations (like any other student group) sometimes suffer from the common pitfalls of apathy and infighting. Upon development of gaydar which, besides any obvious characteristics, is shown in a person's eyes, straight and gay pick-up rituals collide. The same rehashed "Do you come here much?" and "Can I buy you a drink?" lines make for the most unoriginal, pathetic and yet occasionally effective come-ons. A major obstacle in gay males hooking up is the tendency some social scientists have termed "feigned indifference" or what most people call "playing hard to get." My theory behind this is that historically, when men flirted with other men whose orientation they didn't know, they acted near indifferent. That way if they were wrong, they didn't lose face-literally. With the recent decades of greater gay visibility, this practice is probably on its way out. The Date Dating, specifically the first date, usually progresses with the ease of a baby's first step. Unlike straight culture, same-sex couples have no established social protocol to follow (archaic and sexist as mainstream etiquette may be), so nearly everything has to be made up. From who pays, to who drives, to who leads on the dance floor, to who initiates, nothing is certain and everything is fair game. However, all the standard rules apply for gay persons on where to take their date: Conversation over coffee or a beer are good for getting to know each other; movies apply when you're bad at first dates; and dinner is good only when you think your infatuation is worth 20 bucks. Another problem is eaves-dropping by strangers which is more commonly experienced by gay couples on dates, and for that matter, gay friends just hanging out. Usually the perpetrators believe they're being discreet. However, leaning off one's chair, moving the table closer, and sudden lapses in conversation interrupted by strange facial expressions and giggling usually tip off the eaves-dropees. My friends' solution to this is the most bizarre and foul conversation that comes to mind. The Relationship So the first few dates go okay, and suddenly the gay couple finds themselves in the midst of love. Well congratulations. For all the pressure that's put on college-aged adults to find a mate and start a career, it's a wonder anyone gets out of here with both a significant other and their sanity. Gay relationships, like gay dating rituals, have few rules, and the successful couple is able to overcome their lack of mainstream queer role models. They make up their own guidelines, or more commonly, chose not to follow any at all. Popular gender roles must be rejected which usually results in a more emotional and intimate relationship. The best analysis of the differences between men and women when it comes to bedroom behavior was given to me by a bisexual friend of a friend in the holiest of places-Nick's Restaurant. I would assume, though I could be wrong as I sometimes am, that her generalization applies as much to straights as it does to gays. In a nutshell, she explained through her vast experience that men are more focused on climax, while women are more concerned with process. So in understanding couple combinations, you first have to understand the individuals involved. I'd be willing to bet that this generalization is not universal and is probably less important as a relationship matures, but it makes for interesting coffee talk. In any event, the incentive behind coupling is to develop a strong bond. In particular, gays and lesbians must overcome their "invisibility" to each other as well as dealing with their considerably smaller eligible dating pool. However, the rewards of love-or so I've been told-are well worth it. Robert Buchanan is a GWM, 6'0, 145 lbs, br/bl and enjoys writing, traveling and a good laugh. He isn't nearly as stuffy or cynical as he might sound and is majoring in social work and political science. |