My Story
My Story
| A Seed is Planted |
I was born and raised in Hawaii, a child of the 1960s and 1970s.
I can't really say when I realized that I was different.
I remember stepping into my mother's high heel pumps when I was about 5 years old and trying on some of her nylons at about age 12.
But it wasn't until my late teens that I started to crossdress on a regular basis.
Back then, it was mostly lingerie (bras and pantyhose), heels and a dress, but no makeup or wigs.
After graduating from college, I moved to the Los Angeles area where I currently reside. Without a source of women's clothes, my crossdressing declined. I found two bras and a camisole lost in the laundry room of my apartment building and bought a few items by mail but that wasn't enough. Then, in my late twenties, I discovered Lydia's TV Fashions, a boutique for crossdressers near Los Angeles. |
| A Sprout Rises from the Earth |
My first trip to Lydia's was frightening.
What if someone saw me entering the store?
I walked endlessly up and down the street, circling the block until I had built up enough courage to make that final charge toward the door.
Once inside, I found a tiny shop and Heather, a mature TV, behind the counter.
I now had a source of clothes but more importantly, it was my first connection to the transgendered world, a connection that would grow immensely in later years. It was comforting just being in the store with other customers, knowing that I wasn't alone. With the help of Heather and Lydia herself, my female side began to grow. The TV publications I found at Lydia's led me to other shops and the next big influence on my emerging second life, Alicia (may she rest in peace). Alicia was a full-time transgendered person and owner of a TV boutique in Upland, California. She was always very helpful and encouraging. I used to think sometimes that she stocked smaller size dresses just for me. She was the first to suggest that I leave the closet and join her support group but I wasn't ready yet. She was also the first of our kind that I had met with the "I don't care what other people think" attitude. You need a little bit of this attitude to break out of the closet. |
| A Flower Begins to Bloom |
About 1990, now in my early thirties, I decided it was time to elevate my dressing to the next level, the complete image of a woman.
I began to make changes in my life toward that goal, changes like shaving my legs and underarms, longer fingernails and plucking my eyebrows.
Makeup took some trial and error as I, like most Asian girls, lack the crease in the eyelid to guide the application of eyeshadow.
My makeup scheme was finally inspired by a young Asian woman I saw on television.
It pays to observe real women carefully.
By the spring of 1996, I had perfected my look. But the bedroom soon proved to be too confining. It wasn't enough to get all dolled up just to look at myself in the mirror. I had to get out or give it up. Finally, that July, I ventured out to the Queen Mary Lounge. That trip to the Queen was both thrilling and terrifying. I enjoyed the attention one man gave me, especially when he wrapped his arm around my waist. But I also experienced how vulnerable women are when, as I was leaving the club, a creep in a car propositioned me as a john would proposition a street hooker. I was so shakened by this first experience, both the highs and the lows, that I did not attempt to go out again for months. |
| A Second Flowering |
In 1995, Kathy and Paul/Paula, a married couple, bought Lydia's from the retiring owners.
Diane, their TG assistant, constantly urged me to come out.
Kathy would also encourage me to go out dressed by inviting me to join the gang for a Saturday night dinner.
By the fall of 1996, my confidence was restored and I accepted Kathy's invitation.
It was a far more pleasant experience to have dinner in a cozy gender-friendly restaurant, surrounded by other crossdressers and transsexuals.
I can't think of a better way for timid first-timers to leave the closet.
By this time, Diane had moved on to other activities in her life. Taking her place at the shop was Kate. Kate, like myself, was a weekend crossdresser but she had waist length natural hair. Meeting Kate was significant for me because it was the first time I had met another Asian crossdresser face to face, although she's of Chinese ancestry and I have Japanese roots. It's especially tough for Japanese to publicly crossdress because we are taught that image is everything. The individual not only shames herself but the entire family as well. As I mentioned earlier, to come out, you can't be too concerned about what others think and that is in direct conflict with my upbringing. For me, meeting other Asian crossdressers relieves some of the anxiety. |
| The Nurturing Sunlight | I've been crossdressing now for over twenty years. I've come a long way in that time, from a teenage boy trying on some lingerie to the complete image of a woman. I've had a lot of help and, fortunately, I've never had a problem accepting my crossdressing. Unlike many crossdressers, I've never purged my female attire. But now I'm facing new challenges. How far do I take this? This is now a permanent part of my life and my desires are becoming more feminine every day. It's no longer just about the clothes. I now find myself contemplating being a woman fulltime. Where the next twenty years takes me is yet to be seen. |