Star's Poetry

Welcome... I hope you enjoy reading my poetry. Watch out, it's a lot of teen angst-ish stuff, and a lot of stuff about love and relationships. But who knows, maybe some of it will give you some insight on anything you might be going through...

All poems are property of Star's World, and may not be copied without permission.

1995/1996:
Lost
Song without a name

1997:
Dark World
Sleepy Dreamer
Angel
Star
Sinner
Another Poem
Princess Me
Stuck in the Middle
Homophobic
A Midnight Urge
An Unknown Prediction
Heartbreak

1998:
Untitled Baby poem
Negative Voices

1999/2000:
Getting rid of him
Kiss him or kick him?

1995

Lost

the world is lost in shadows and i with it
it has lost all reality
there is no reason for it to live anymore
and no reason for me to live anymore
so why must i continue?
why am i so driven to survive?
why is it that when i hold the blade to my wrist
and feel only a small amount of pain
and see only a small amount of blood
i am coaxed by some unknown voice
to put it down?
to live and not to die?
to simply exist
although i would rather
slip into the darkness
to escape from the light
the light that shines too brightly
as everyone rejoices and are happy
how can they be delighted in life itself
as the world crumbles at my feet?
how can they laugh as i cry?
how can they smile and dance and sing?
as i dream of death...
sweet, peaceful death
taking away the pain
in death you need not love
you need not dream of those
who never dream of you
in death you need not cry
you need not cry for you
or cry for them
in death you need not hide your melancholy
with a cheerful grin
you need not pretend to live
you need not pretend you are living
that the world is not vague for you
that the world is not real for you
will it ever be real again?
or will this dream world i live it
become my real world?
is there a real world
or is the only real world found only
in death...?
-Nov, 95 (a while ago, I know, but this was when it all began...)

1996

An Un-named Song

This one's a song, it never had a name. My ex-boyfriend helped me write it.

You alone can share my darkness
You alone can feel my hurt
You alone- my soul- you touch it
Embrace me with your mind
***
Chorus:
Raise your face to the moon
Let the shadows fall apart
Let the stars purify you
Let the sky remove your thoughts
***
You alone- I pull you with me
Deep inside, the hidden drawer
Lock the key, we'll wait in silence
Waiting for the dawn
(Chorus)
You and I began the silver
You and I can get it back
You and I can run forever
The world can wait outside
(Chorus)
Raise your face to the moon
Let the shadows fall apart
Let the stars purify you
Let me into your heart...
-Dec, 1996 (I sang it at the school's christmas show)

1997

Sleepy Dreamer

Sleepy dreamer
I call your name
Sleepy dreamer
I'm glad I stayed
In your eyes, I hear music
In your touch, I smell roses
In your smile, I see sunrise
In your lips, I taste love
Butterfly me to the other side
Where the light shines
And the darkness fades
Sleepy dreamer
Stay with me always
Sleepy dreamer
Always with me
Sleepy dreamer
-January, 1997, this was a song I wrote (on the spot and as I went- that's why it's a little...well, dumb as well as cheesy) for my darling Chris.

Angel

She was an angel
Surrounded by a halo
Of fuzzy blond hair
The amazing depth
Of her bright blue eyes
Pulling me in
She made me want to scream
Her beauty so enticing
Taunting me, knowing that I
Could never have her
Her face was glowing
Her soul radiated
An inner light
She seemed perfect
Her spirit soared
With life and love
Her lips parting giving way to a smile
She laughed along with me
Her hand reacherd out
And touched mine
She never knew
Was she so blind?
She never saw the need in my eyes?
The need for her...
Why does she do this to me?
-Jan, 1997(A poem about the first girl I had a crush on)

Star

It seems lonely here
The darkness invades
If only I had something
To hold when I got worried
I reach for the star
It's brightness calms my mind
But it is out of my reach
The pretty star not for me
I feel empty insid
There's a place for somethin
If only I had something
To hold in the nigh
Am I too dull
For it's brightness?
Does it prefe
The dark blanket of sky
To the warmth of my heart?
I feel cold in my heart
There's something that's missing
If only I had something
To love when I needed love
-Jan, 1997

Sinner

Little sinner
Little fool
You asked for it
You got it
What are you going to do now?
You had
Pleasure
Now you'll have pain
You asked for it
You got it
What are you going to do now?
You can run away
Try to run away
But you can't run from you
You can hide away
Try to fly away
But you'll always know what you are
Little sinner
Now you'll have pain
You asked for it
You got it
What are you going to do now?
What are you going to do now?
What are you going to do now?
-Feb 4th, 1997, another song, this time about unprotected sex.

Another Poem

(about my first female crush...)

For as long as I can remember
She has been on my mind
Filling my dreams
She is there
The Godess of light
Always invading my thoughts
Fobidden fruit
She remains out of my grasp
In the arms of the enemy
A snake around her neck
Ready to bite
The soft white neck
I scream and scream
There's nothing I can do
To protect my lady
To save her from the evil
She is blind
She does not believe in evil
So innocent
She is blind
And blind to my love
I scream to the stars
My pain invades
I scream her name
-Spring '97???

Princess Me

Princess me
Make me a paper rose
With hands and heart
And soul
Adore me
Write me a letter
With words so loving
Just for me
Love me
With eyes and lips
True with every breath
Every word
Pretend I am your sun
Pretend I am your moon
Pretend you need me
As much as I need you
-May 16th, 1997 (the day after my birthday, which almost everyone forgot, including my boyfriend at that time) :(

Stuck in the middle

Eyes blurry
Two people
Like Clark Kent
And Superman
Only worse
A path well travelled
Is not for me
A path with thorns
With a rainbow at the end
Should I take
The easy way out
Bail on hardship
Abandon shame
But all the while
Denying myself?
Help
Help the baby lesbians
-May 22nd, 1997

Homophobic

Lost
Lost in a hopeless world
A hopeless battle
Against the past
Where silly values
Rule decisions
Against the dinosaurs
I fight
Women should love men
Children speak when spoken too
I am 17
I see myself
She sees a pretty pink bow
And little black shiny shoes
-June 10th, 1997, after yet another fight with my mother.

A Midnight Urge

A midnight urge
To scream, scream, scream
As loud as I * can
To wake everyone
From their peaceful slumber
Because I cannot share it

Always the same urges
The need for a small white tube
Containing foul black stuff
To hold between fingers and lips
The need for metal and more metal
Filling every spare inch
Of skin- nose, ears, breasts
The need for touch, no soft
But violent touch, slamming up
Against a wall and being kissed/attacked
The need for bass turned up
Breaking eardrums, shaking walls
"Tangerine", "Dreamer", "Queer"
The need for clear drink
So much different from water
In whatever, choke it down fast
The need for red spills
Sharp, sharp metal
Making wrists look foreign

* the world, throw a fit
And scream, scream, scream
Until the next time
You can't shove it down inside
Any more
-Sept. 28th, as my depression begins again...

An Unknown Prediction

An illusion? A script?
But written by whom?
By us? No I fear it is my fault

The illusion is perfect
We play our roles
So flawlessly
But falsely?

Inside I question
I question the "we"
As perfect as a dream
Will we wake up?

Let us cease to pretend
To labe, to classify
Perhaps we should
"Pussyfoot" first

Let us make believe
Our lips never met
Our hands never touched
Our hearts never felt

A fresh new page?
The "us" becomes
You and I, both alone
Should we, dare we
Start anew?
-Sept. 29th, the night before my girlfriend broke up with me...how did I know?

Heartbreak

Who will comfort me?
Who the * will comfort ME?
Yes, selfish me
Stupid me
Thinking I could
Hold this rose
Forever
A dream in my head
Ripped away
Torn from me
But by angelic hands
To be forgiven
Without question
My head was in the clouds
Focused too much
On future
Pegging down
Labeling
I should have sat back
Enjoyed her radiance
In every "now"
But then left brain
Murdered the right
Reason held creativity
Hostage
And I thought
And analyzed
And qualified, quantified, * categorized!
I didn't see her
I was selfish
And I deserve my pain
-Sept. 30th, after only a short time, I miss her already.

1998

She holds the world
In hypothetical hands
As she breathes in
Nothing but my energy
And my love
She is the future
Of all that could be
She has the potential
To be an angel
She has the power
To be everything

I must tend this
Small flower
With water, life
And love


Will she bloom
To be a violet?
Fragile and precious?
Soft and innocent?
Or will she bloom
To be a daisy?
Carefree and fun?
Sweet and joyful?
Will she bloom
To be a rose?
Beautiful but strong?
Elegant and confident?
Or will she bloom
To be a tiger lily?
Headstrong and free?
Independent and wild?


This little bud
Slowly blooms
With the dawn
Covered in dew
Still a mystery
Of the morning

Do I let this flower
Blossom?
Fill my life
With a fragrance
Sweeter than anything
I have ever smelt?

Or will I cut her
At her tender stem
Still in her dawn
Before she sees the sun?

~written April 5th, 1998, while I was trying to decide whether or not to have my child...

Negative Voices

I begin to wonder
How there could be room
For all those worries
Inside my already busy mind

I am like a balloon
Weighted down by stones
Attacked by pins
But dodging the blows

A pregnant teen
Is an automatic candidate
For the firing squad
I am under fire

I am surrounded
By critisizing voices
Harsh words rain down on me
Crushing me

My mother wants
Me to be shameful
"18 and unmarried...
It's nothing to beam about!"

His mother wants
This little one to die
"We'll go to the abortion clinic
And then make our choice."

My brother wants
Me to be silent
To act as though
I've commited a crime

His father wants
To pry us apart
Planting worried and fears
Inside my love's mind

Does every word I heard
Go straight to her, my unborn miracle?

Does every tear I cry
Make her tiny heart hurt?

What right do they all have
To cause both of us so much pain?

All I want
Is to hold her in my arms
To comfort her
To calm her

I want to tell her
That no matter what
The harsh ones say,
I need her

I welcome her
With an open mind and heart
And I am certain
We will both shine

Despite the cruel disbelievers
We will make it
My little precious one
Will smile soon

~May 31st, 1998
(at almost 13 weeks pregnant)

1999

I know I had some time in '99 to write a few little scraps of poetry here and there, I just have to find them! :)

2000

Getting rid of him

If he refuses my heart again
This time for the tenth time
It will be the garbage can for him
But that seems paradoxical...

Either I love him
For the rest of my life
Or I hate him
For equally as long?

And that's his decision?
How does that make sense?

Fearful, silly boy,
He can't make up his mind.
And yet I'm a silly girl
For expecting him to be able to...

He chose to refuse my heart again
This time for the tenth time
(the last time)
So it's the garbage can for him
But that seems paradoxical...
(still, again, it does)

How can I say "I love you"
But change my words if he changes his?
And am I even telling the truth the first time?
Has he been lying too?

I should stick with my decision
As paradoxical as it seems
You decided not to love me
So "bye bye"...

I was ready to spend my life with him
And now have to come full circle
Steel myself against my past dreams
And be ready to refuse to "settle".

He's made up his mind
Whether it's the truth and what's right
Or not
Either way, it's done.

~March, 2000

Kiss him or kick him?

3 years
Dealing with this crap
Trying to make up mind
And failing miserably.

I thought he was my soulmate
At times
And thought he was my enemy
At others.

I still have no idea which one he is
(I don't think he does either.)

Yesterday he made me laugh
I felt my lips break into a smile
And a giggle bubble up from my tummy
It felt so nice...

He's always been able to make me laugh.

Today he made me angry
I felt my teeth start to clench
And my hands roll up into tight fists
It felt so awful...

He's always been able to make me angry.

Right now I don't know which is better.

I hate it when he makes me laugh
Because it reminds me of how things used to be
When I was young and in love
With my soaring heart

I hate it when he makes me angry
Because it reminds me of how things used to be
When I was young and alone
With my screaming newborn.

I'd survive if he kept making me angry.
I'd survive if he kept making me laugh.
I'd survive if he did neither.
But I wont survive if he keeps doing both.

~April 29th, 2000.

since 07-16-00.
Last Update: 04-29-00

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