A Bit About Katie
When Katie isn't here she is a 39 year old married professional businessman living in Auckland, New Zealand. I am sure she would like to be here more often but unfortunately commitments to family prevent that. So how did she get here......
(In the history below, names have been changed to prevent identification)
The Early Years
I was brought up in England being the second of four children. During my pre school days I mainly remember having female friends and being surrounded by my older sister's world. One of my most vivid memories of this period is of attending a ballet recital featuring my sister and sitting in the audience wondering when I was going to be able to start ballet lessons and wear one of those pretty costumes.
Having settled into primary school things went along nicely until I was about seven years old. Suddenly it wasn't the done thing to play with girls and I had to adapt into a boys environment. During this time my best friend, Karen, left to go to another school and just about broke my heart. I rebelled against the new, but unwritten, rules I was having to live by and became the terror of the class.
It was during this period that I first discovered the pleasure of wearing something nice. Friday night was bath night and for a short period of time I was by myself in a locked bathroom. One Friday as I was getting a towel out of the cupboard a pair of panties fell to my feet. Instinctively I reached down and slipped them on. A feeling of excitement combined with a sense of being came over me. It felt unbelievably good. From then on I looked forward to every bath night with anticipation as to what I might find in the cupboard. The effect at school was dramatic. I calmed down and went on to become a model student.
Early Teens
By now my sister, who is five years older than me, was into mini skirts and had a good collection of lingerie. Nothing fancy but just right for me to wear when I was left alone on Saturday mornings while the rest of the family went to town shopping. I never got round to wearing any of her clothes as parading around in bra and panties was meeting my emotional and now sexual needs. Dressing up had become an incredibly erotic pasttime. Around the age of fourteen I had my first sexual encounter with another person. I was into train spotting, as many English teenagers are. One day, while standing on the platform at my local station the signalbox man called to me and asked if I would like to see inside the signalbox. I went over and spent the rest of the afternoon watching Clive control the junction and working the box. I became a regular visitor to the box and became a proficient operator of the junction myself. One day Clive asked me if I would like to come and spend the night at the box and see watch the overnight freights. Of course this was paradise and I quickly persuaded my parents to give me permission. The next Saturday night I turned up and we worked the trains until midnight when it got quiet. Clive asked me if I had ever seen pictures of people having sex and I said no. A magazine was quickly produced which, for those days, was very explicit. My reaction was quite natural and soon it was getting embarrasing to stand up. Clive's hand moved to the front of my pants and I stood there letting him feel me before he knelt down, unzipped my pants and took me in his mouth. It wasn't long before I came!
I continued to visit the signalbox where the experience was repeated many times. Schoolwork took a downward slide for a while and I once again compensated by escaping into my female world, by now my fantasies looked forward to the day when I could live by myself and wear pretty nighties in bed.
Mid Teens
At the age of sixteen the family emigrated to New Zealand and I discovered the pleasure of girls for the first time. I was soon dating and my crossdressing disappeared into the background. A year later the rest of my family returned to the UK and I moved in with my girlfriend's family so I could finish my high school education. The stress of the situation soon had me dressing again though this time it had gone beyond the bra and panties and I was wearing Susan's dresses when I was in the house alone. I never told my girlfriend and to this day she doesn't know. The school I went to had an open policy with its seventh formers. If sports were cancelled due to the rain we were allowed to go home.
It was on one of those afternoons that I found myself in Susan's bedroom wearing her bra and panties and struggling to do up the zip on one of her dresses when the bedroom door opened!! Standing there was her mother, Pat. This was it, this was the end of the world. She looked at me then turned around and closed the door. I stood there, my heart pounding wondering how I was ever going to face her again. I took the dress off and was about to undo my bra when the door opened again. "Here, I think this will fit you better", words that slammed home as I was handed a floral dress. "Put this on and then come on out and we will talk". I put her dress on and then with knees trembling joined her in the lounge. We talked about my dressing and as to whether my girlfriend knew. She thought it would be better if I didn't tell her and that it really should be a secret between the two of us. Soon it was time for the rest of the family to come home so I went back and changed.
The next week it rained again on sports day and I once again came home early. This time Pat was at home. She smiled and told me to go into her bedroom where a present was waiting. There lying on her bed was a black lace bra, panty and suspender set, a pair of black stockings and a short red dress. I quickly stripped off and slipped into my new clothes, my school socks padding my bra out. I walked back into the lounge feeling unbelievably sexy and with a bulge in the front of my dress that was proving very difficult to hide. Pat smiled again and told me to sit beside her. We talked again and as we talked her hand ran up and down my leg. Soon she was kneeling in between my legs, her hands sliding up over my stocking tops. This was becoming unbearable and I was arching my hips towards her. She pulled up the front of my dress, took me in her mouth and all too quickly brought me off. As I was sitting there still wondering what was happening she stood up, slipped off her dress to reveal and identical set on lingerie and told me it was time to learn how to really pleasure a woman. We became lovers that afternoon and for the next year she tought me how two women can really please each other.
Late Teens
It was pretty understandable that Susan and I broke up and I moved out into a flat of my own. Pat continued to visit me on occasions until I hit my first major purge, told her I didn't want to dress up any more and that we should stop seeing each other.
It was soon after that I met Amy. Never have I been happier than those hours spent with her. Everything seemed right though my job did mean that I was under constant pressure. Soon I was out shopping again, spending my evenings lounging around in lingerie and wishing that I could bring myself to tell Amy. It was too much. I decided that I couldn't tell her as I loved her too much to hurt her. Here I was, her strong supportive boyfriend and yet I was living another life when I wasn't with her. One Friday evening I told her we had to break up. She was heart broken and I felt as if my life was going to end. To this day, if there is any one thing I have regrets about it is not telling her about my crossdressing. Maybe, just maybe, she would have accepted me. I will never know and that thought brings me to tears even as I write this.
I purged again and for over two years didn't dress at all. It was during this period I met Amanda and we got married. I was convinced I had got over my need for dressing and that I was now a "normal" person.
Married Life
The early years of my marriage proved to be tempestuous. I couldn't accept Amanda having needs that were different to mine and I must say I was a really unpleasant person - shades of that 7 year old boy! Soon before my first son was born I was alone in the house and dressed up. Here again was that feeling of contentment, that feeling of being me. I started dressing whenver Amanda was out of the house, not an easy task with a young family. One day I was buying some lingerie in town when who should I meet but Pat. She laughed and said that she would lay an odds on bet that they weren't for Amanda! She was right. Pat asked me if Amanda knew and I told her that she didn't.
Over a coffee we got to discussing how I found the time to escape and she asked if I would like to come round to her place to dress up. We were soon at her place with me wearing my newly acquired lingerie and her in her old place kneeling between my legs. The door opened and in walked Stewart her partner! Pat turned round and told Stewart she had brought a present home for him and that he should join in. A few minutes later they were both stroking me and I was lying back feeling delightful. Pat told me it was time to discover what a real woman felt like and prepared me to take Stewart. As Pat stood back and watched, Stewart took me like a woman for the first time.
This relationship went on and off for over six years until one day Pat phoned me to tell me that Stewart had died of a heart attack and that she didn't really feel like seeing me again.
It was during this period that Amanda asked me why I was wearing her clothes when she was out. I told that it made me feel like me and that I really enjoyed it and needed it. The next six months were miserable. Amanda just couldn't accept my dressing and forced me to throw all of my things out. I felt like I was being torn apart. My safety net was being ripped away and I was left stranded. My work went downhill and I was forced to become even more secretive in order to dress up and recover my confidence.
Recent Events
Over the years I have built up a rather nice collection of lingerie and clothes and then when I feel guilty about my dressing I throw them all away. I hate to think how much I have spent on female clothes over the past twenty years but it has certainly kept someone in work! The only dressing I really get to do these days is when Amanda takes the boys to see my in-laws or when I go out of town overnight. It was after returning from one of those overnight trips that Amanda confronted me again. She said she could see from my relaxed expression that I had been dressing again and that I should see a counsellor. The next day, determined to hold my marriage together I made an appointment to see someone.
Major mistake. The person we saw had absolutely no experience of crossdressing and at the last meeting we had with her the solution she gave was for me to stop. No alternatives, no solutions. I stopped and got depressed. Once again secret dressing sessions picked me up again but by now a guilt complex had set in - If I think of dressing at all while in Amanda's presence I sneeze involuntarily.
Life continued until one day she opened a letter at work addressed to me from another crossdresser I had met. Luckily the letter was pretty benign but the damage was done. Amanda works for me and I was away overseas at the time. I phoned home that night to be greeted with a very upset wife and talk of leaving me. I checked out of the hotel and made one of the most circuitous flights home ever to arrive on our doorstep some twenty hours later. Amanda had gone to see her minister from church who was a close friend of ours and she insisted I go and see him straight away. We sat and talked, or should I say he sat and talked, I talked and cried. Once back home I told Amanda about all my childhood and teen experiences and she accepted the fact that maybe things weren't all my "fault".
I continued meetings with the minister until he was sure that things were under control. They were until things within the business became stressful when I once again dived into my world of freedom. Now I tell Amanda (with sneeze effects) that I feel like dressing up. She thinks that I don't but I can't let that part of me die.
Earlier this year I decided that my female side needed more expression. I gave her a name. For the first time ever I bought shoes to fit. If I can work out a way to buy a wig I will. A pair of silicon breast pads entered my collection last week and this web site was born. Katie is alive, she lives in my head, in my heart, in my feelings, and for an hour or so each Sunday I get to turn her into a real person. Two or three times a year she will get to blossom for a day or so and together we will explore the more sensual and softer side of life.
April 1998, An Update
A few days of freedom! Just after Easter I found myself with one of those rare breaks when I was by myself. A shopping trip was high on my itinerary so I went downtown to find something to wear. First stop was a lingerie shop where I selected a lovely black bra and pants together with some lace top stockings. The young girl at the counter who was on her first day of work got quite flustered serving a man. I smiled when I thought that in a few hours I would probably be wearing sexier lingerie than she was. Next stop was one of our local Warehouse stores where you can buy large size female shoes at very low prices. My heart pounded a bit when I approached the checkout with a pair of black court shoes but the checkout girl just smiled and took my money. Last item on the list was a black skirt. This took a bit more nerve and I went to one of our large department stores to get something. I always regret throwing out a beautiful pleated skirt that I had a few years ago. it felt gorgeous on and I have never been able to find anything like it. Anyway, I bought my skirt and it was off home to change.
What a delicious afternoon! There is something about slipping on some fine lingerie and putting makeup on that changes my whole personality. I love dressing up so much. In the end I had three full days to be myself and thoroughly indulged in feely pretty and feminine the whole time.