Dirty Jokes

Doctor:" Your wife either has Alzheimer's or Aids." Husband:" How can we find out which?" Doctor:" I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her

As a airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces," If i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks," Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says," Here, iron this."

If you think life is bad....How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up....life ain't that bad!

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself," Boy and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said," Gonna be a good night, i smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, " No, i just burped."

How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. About 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says," Damn i wish i had a flashlight !" The woman says," Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes."

A husband walks into the bedroom holding 2 aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks," What's that for?"
" It's for your headache."
" I dont have a headache."
He replies," Gotcha!!!"

Young Johnny and Suzie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Suzie's mom popped in on them. " Your gonna get a good licking when daddy get's home" she said. Suzie replied," Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."

A dog, a cat and a penis are sitting around a campfire one night. The dog says," My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!" The cat says," I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged says," At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and makes you do push-ups until you throw up!"

A man goes to a tattoo artist and says:" I'd like you to tattoo a 100 dollar bill onto my dick."
The tattoo artist is suprised:" Well that could hurt a lot. Why would you want a 100 dollar bill on your dick?"
The man answers," Three reasons: I like to watch my money grow, i like to play with my money and next time my wife wants to blow a 100 bucks she wont have to leave the house!

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him an asked," If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"
" Hell no!" the guy said.
The stranger then asked," If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"
The man said," Of course not."
" Wanna go camping?"

Micheal Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife has given birth to their son. Micheal says," How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies," At least wait until he's walking."

What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said," I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." What did you do?" The other nuns asked. " Well, of course i threw them in the trash." The second nun said," Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and i found a bunch of condoms!" " Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. " What did you do?" they asked. " I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
I dont know why your shaking, she is going to eat me.

What do you call a guy standing on a cornor in Wrexham, Wales, with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chanche of becoming a human being

How do sheep hearders practise safe sex?
Marking the sheep with a big X of the ones that kick!

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice fot what is essentially the same service