There are milestones in all of our lives and, being TG, I have been able to recognize and identify many of then when they occur and to actually plan most of them. I see everyone of them, no matter how small, as a step toward my ultimate goal. That goal is happiness, and achieving that goal may involve transitioning in some way or form. One of my biggest hang-ups (and I know that the problem lies within me) is my own perception of whether or not I pass. To me, this is a very big issue because how can I expect to transition and be happy if the world will not accept me and treat me like a woman. My friends have said that I pass; but having low self-esteem, I did not believe them no matter how much I wanted to. I have been out before but never solo (except for a brief stop in a drug store two weeks ago) so I have no real experience of being out and accepted as a woman; so this week, I got my nerve up and planned my next milestone. This week would prove to be a very defining one and would change me and my perceptions of me forever.On Saturday morning, I left the house, dressed, for the very first time. My mother was staying with my grandmother, who had fallen earlier in the week and cracked her pelvis. So that morning, I loaded the car dressed for all the world and neighbors to see me and headed to Asheville. Part of this trip was to begin a group therapy session and part of that includes massage therapy, so Swannanoa was my first stop. I needed gas and this time, instead of paying at the pump like I did the last time, I purposefully made myself go inside to pay. A gentleman held the door for me as I entered the station, and he really did not give me a second look (so far so good). I had to walk past the restaurant area to the cashier and handed her my credit card. It only has my initials so I did not feel uneasy until she looked at it twice and then asked me where I was from. You see she is a Barnes too, and want to know if we were related. So we chatted briefly until a man came in and began flirting with her. So I thanked her and walked back to my car. Once inside my car, I shouted to myself, "I DID IT!!!"
I drove on to Marc's, who would give me my very first massage. Now, I was getting nervous again in that I did not know what to expect and there would be this guy (who I have met before and is very TG-friendly) seeing me in some form of undress and putting his hands on me. Well, Marc told me to strip to what I would be comfortable in so I stripped to my panties and bra. Marc was very gentle and calming and I soon relaxed to his firm touches. The massage progressed to my abdomen where he began to loosen the "connective tissue" (that hurt). He told me that we often internalize our emotions there and he did find a spot that he began to work on, and for some reason (maybe it was the pain but it was really something else) I began to cry as he worked on an area of my left side, which he explained was my feminine side. He also said that what he had found was old, maybe going back to childhood, because it was so deep. I do not know what he found, but the emotional release was very real; I wish I knew what it was that he healed.
I left Marc's and drove to a nearby motel and checked in en femme. Another first. I need a female ID because I had to show my driver's license to the clerk. I hated that, but she was very accepting. She said that she was from DC and had seen it all and to each their own (why can't everyone be like her).
My best friend, Tiffany, came over; and she brought her new prom dress that she had gotten in Georgia. It is green with peach, violet, and cream-colored flowers, short shoulder sleeves, fitted bodice and a floor length skirt that tapers upward in the front with a built-in petticoat. Well, after she modeled it, I just had to try it on. It fit wonderfully and I just had to have a picture (it is probably the best picture of me ever).
I went to my group session and afterwards I got a page from Amy. She is a new girl that I had met at the Kappa Beta meeting two weeks earlier. Amy looks like a 19 year old coed and can pass with no problems. She was so scared her first meeting with others that night, that she refused to leave the room; but I could easily relate to that, I mean here you are your first time out, dressed, with all of these stranger telling you how great you look is very intimidating. Well, I had been corresponding with her and invited her to Asheville where she would not be known and would be with just me and Tiffany and not a crowd. Well, SHE CAME. We went to her motel and picked her up. In fact, she came out of her room on her own, and that took ovaries (guys have b---- and woman have ovaries); I was so proud of her.
We went to our favorite restaurant in town which is very TG-friendly. Amy was so nervous that she thought that she might be sick (how I can remember that my first restaurant visit my first time out 7 months ago). We met our dear friend Karla at the restaurant. Amy did eat a little and did calm down once she saw that the world had not come to an end. She also got to visit the ladies' room with Tiffany (we all go in pairs).
After dinner, we went to a local gay bar that is very friendly also. Amy was very uneasy about this. I think she was neverous that someone might hit on her (well, with her looks it will happen eventually). She did calm down after she had a beer and saw that no one really was paying any attention to us. I think that the best part was when Octavia (a local diva) sat down with us and when I introduced her to Amy, all she could say was, "Girl, you pass!"
We headed back to my room where we got a couple of pictures of Amy, and then Tiffany took her back to her room and then headed on home.I woke up Sunday to no power in the room. Try as I did, I could not figure out how to do my makeup properly even sitting in the front window (just too dark outside), so my plans to go to Georgia dressed were gone. A bad start to a bad day I thought.
It was raining and foggy the entire trip with a lot of flooding on the way. I did stop at the flea market at Exit 50 in Georgia but the shop I really wanted to go into was closed (another set back, they have formal attire at low prices), so on I went. I did pick up an inexpensive anklet, but that was all.
It was still raining hard in Atlanta when I got there, and I figured that I would be rained out making my first major solo outing, but I got ready anyway (not the first time I was all dressed up and no where to go). Around 4:30, the weather lightened and I grabbed my purse and I went OUT!!! I first drove to an adult novelty shop called the Poster Hut which carries a bizarre line of birthday cards (male self has a reputation in the office of giving cards with a bite). It has a gay clientele so I figured they have seen it all. So I went in and browsed for around a half hour and purchased several cards. The girl at the front counter just smiled and rang up my purchase. I feel that I was probably read (going into a place like that, people tend to look closer because they are more trained to be on the lookout) but no one said anything. I did get checked out in the parking by a group going in next door.
Next was the big solo to the grocery store. I thought that with the rain people would be staying home - NOT. The place was crowded. I went to the Publix in Ashley Mall since this is the heart of the gay area in Atlanta and I have seen people CD'ed there (although not in Publix) before. Well I just told myself that I have come 300 miles to do this, so I got out of the car, opened my umbrella, and walked in.
There were no shopping carts, and then a kind gentleman brought me one. I got out my little list and began wandering the aisles. Since everyone was looking at their list and items on the shelf; I do not know if anyone even paid me any attention, which was the whole point. I made my selections, including motor oil and some cosmetics (it is so much easier to buy them dressed).
Well, I went to the check out and, while waiting in line, a man in the next aisle smiled and said hello, so I did the same (read? I do not know, again, there is a large gay clientele so they might be more aware than others - I do not know). The cashier was not talkative, so I do not know if he read me or not. I got my purchases and pushed my buggy out to the car. I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, it was sort of anti-climatic and that is just how it should have been.
So, with that, I then went to a Subway and bought a sandwich to take back to the room, as the rain was now pouring and I did not feel like going anywhere else as I suddenly was very tired from that long day, the trip, and the excitement.
On Tuesday, BeverlyAnn came by to pick me up for dinner
(since she was not dressed I am going to use the masculine pronoun). He brought me a lovely coffee cup that he made with blue flowers and gold butterflies and my name on it. I would love to use it at the office but I can not and I will have to be careful at home too since the name is Beverly, but it truly is a lovely cup. He also brought me a book to look at called "Making Faces" It is a makeup instruction book and there are even a couple of men in it who are gorgeous. Well, he took me to dinner at a Thai restaurant. He held the door for me (such a gentleman) and I purposefully sat facing the crowd just to see if anyone was paying attention to me. No one did, except for one man who kept looking my way, and by his expression I think he was trying to figure me out. But, everytime I caught him looking my way, I tried to do something more feminine and smiled bigger *LOL*. He ordered for both of us and the food was good and we had a relaxing dinner. He paid for the meal, which I did not want him to do, but he insisted since I was his date for the evening. Because he had been up since 4 a.m. we did not linger and returned to the hotel. He escorted me to my room and open my door and we went in. Well as with any date that you appreciate, I gave him a kiss. And he returned it with a REAL KISS. And being in the feminine mine set I was, I responded to it. I was a little breathless as he left. I felt so natural as he kissed me and so much like a woman. I later felt like I may have given him the wrong impression about me (I am not that kind of girl), so I did fe-mail her and in a awkward way tried to say that we are friends and not lovers. But a girl can have her fantasies, and a kiss like that is definitely there.
I was not dressed, as I got to leave early on Friday, and decided to hit Rich's at Perimeter Mall on the way back to Asheville. I found a 70% off rack in the evening gown section. That was a big mistake. I bought three dresses (and I love them -- none over $30). One is the classic "little black dress" that every girl needs. It is a black-on-black, so it has a little shimmer to it. Just a simple "A" shaped dress but it is sooooo cute. I got a red dress with long red chiffon sleeves that is fitted, and a floor length lavender-and-purple dress that is slightly clingy and really moves with you. Anyway, I came to my senses and stopped there. I did open a charge account. I just have to go back.
Well, the trip to Asheville was uneventful. I did get dressed and took Amy out to dinner (in fact she bought my dinner this time). This was the first time that I have been the "leader" on a dressed outing. After
dinner, we returned to her room and talked until 3 am. It was such fun, but it did get serious as we got to know each other's fears and troubles, but sharing them helped so much.
Saturday was another first for me and for Amy (she has come a long way in one short month). It is the first time I went dress shopping dressed. Tiffany took us to Brenda's Fabulous Finds in downtown Asheville. We could not get a nearby parking space, so we had to walk a block to get there. Amy was very nervous but she went, and to tell you the truth I was a little bit also. Once inside, we all hit the racks. I got an off-white fake-fur jacket which looks great with the black dress. Amy got a beautiful gown that she looks dynamite in, along with several other things, and Tiffany also got a few things. Several people came in but no one seemed to pay any attention to us. Brenda read us, and she was very pleasant and chatted with us and even about some of our friends who also shop there.
After shopping, we went to dinner and then to the Phoenix meeting and ended up with 3 other girls at a local bar until closing.
As we all went our separate ways that night, I realized that I was not the same girl who had left home the week before. I had found new self confidence, and I am not as scared as before. Now all I have to do is use it and build on it and make it grow. Maybe Beverly can make it in the world and be accepted and live as a woman. Maybe my dream can come true and I can be happy.
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