Camera Shy
I finally broke down last month and bought a digital camera. I really did not need one, but I wanted one. I had seen how convenient they were at Southern Comfort. While I was lugging around this heavy gadget bag full of lenses, flash, batteries and film; others were pulling out these small camera from their purses. As I was changed lenses and film, others were snapping away pictures as fast as their memory chips would let them. They also had the added convenience of seeing their work or mistakes instantly while I would have to wait a week after I got back home to see mine. Plus their images were ready to be shared over the Internet instantly while I would have to get my pictures processed, printed, and then scanned before I would be able to get them online. So I wanted a digital camera.After Southern Comfort, I began to research digital cameras. These cameras are not cheap and anytime I am going to spend that kind of money, I am going to research the heck out of it. There were so many variables and options that I was overwhelmed. I had to read up a lot as to what features and capabilities I needed. I found a good series of basic information by Julie Peters here in the TGForum. http://www.3dcom.com/tgfs/docs01/digcam01.html
I formed a basic wish list of features that I wanted and then last month I found a camera on line that fit the bill and the price was good. I then read up on all the reviews I could find on that model and decided to make the plunge. SPLASH!!
So here I am sitting looking at my new toy and at a manual that is twice as big as the camera and I am sort of in shock at how easy/complicated this rascal is. The nice thing about this model is that it has a stupid mode and an expert mode. I think there is a setting on here somewhere for frozen margaritas but I have not found it on the menu yet. Lets see, there is the rib eye steak medium rare, hmmm drinks must be on the back page. And as I was trying to find the desert selection, I began to reflect that just about every photographic purchase I have ever made has been trans driven which is odd in a way because I used to hate to have my picture taken. My first VCR was purchased way back in the early 70’s when they were brand new so I could tape the Phil Donahue Show when he had crossdressers and female impersonators on and any other program or movie on television that had anything remotely trans related.
I purchased my SLR camera primarily so I could do self-portraits. Now I am not narcissistic but I think we all have a fascination and love of our other self. I mean we have this need to see the proof that we are real. I also used it to critic how I looked. I could see (a week later) how my make up technique worked or did not and how the clothes looked. It allowed me to practice my smile (very important) and my posing. I used to have a book full of pages from magazines of models so that I could copy their poses. I would then take roll after roll of slide film (slides are less likely to be looked at by the attendant at the drive up photo booth) in the hopes of getting one good one for all my efforts. And believe me, the number of bad shot far out numbered the good few and you will wont be seeing any of them on my web site.
Now for a person how does not like to have there picture taken at all this seems to be rather odd. Not really. I did not like to have my picture take then because I did not like myself and why have a picture of someone you do not like. Today I like myself but I still do not like to have my male picture taken but for a totally different reason. I have purposefully withdrawn from society because I do not want to leave a memory of who I was when I transition. It is probably a foolish concept but I never claimed to not be a fool. If people do not remember what you were like, then maybe they will be more able to accept the new you. So with that mind set, I have tried my best to not allow my picture to taken. My official picture at work is of the back of my head. I just tell co-workers that it is my best side.
So as I shy away from my past in preparation for transition, I will continue to withdraw as a male from society. I will be in front of the camera as Beverly because I do like myself now. Now I have a new a camera with which I can not only take my picture but can also make mixed drinks. Now I have new use for my old gadget bag – tequila holder.
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