The Grand Canyon

“What’s what?”

“That. When did you get that?

“Get what?”

“That. There.”

“What? Where?!”

“There! Under your nose.”

“What?!!”

This was the conversation that I was having with my plastic surgeon last week as she handed me a mirror and pointed out to me a brand new wrinkle. It was like discovering a here-to-unknown island in a vast empty sea. But unlike the discovery of a new land where there is joy and excitement; there was joy in my discovery (okay Dr. Robin might have had some joy seeing another sales pitch in front of her). So there it was literally right under my nose. Now every time I have looked in the mirror, my eyes go straight to the spot, and I swear it is growing. At this rate it will be size of the Grand Canyon by the end of the year.

What started all of this was a follow up visit with Dr. Robin Hennessy to discuss ways to improve on how I look. Yes I am vain and I want to look my best. We discussed everything from implants, liposuction, and face work. In her professional opinion, I was not ready for liposuction because I had yet to reach my ideal weight, and it is best performed after dieting. She also thought that implants should be done after you have been full-time for a while; and unless you are going to show them off, no one really sees them while everyone does see your face. Therefore put your money in your face first. Good advice I thought. She recommended a face-lift and laser resurfacing my face to get rid of the pitting from electrolysis. It would give me the "biggest bang for my buck." It might also help that new ditch growing under my noses.

Of course with any service there is a price and this one has several. There is naturally the monetary cost. In order to pay for this, I will have to tap into my funds that I have been squirreling away for SRS. SRS is still a couple of years off for me; so if I go now with the face lift, will I able to save enough to repay what I use plus the extra I need to have SRS? And then there are those emergencies that you do not plan for like having your car stolen. Why can’t someone steal this gash on my face? I swear it is getting bigger by the minute.

Also how do I explain the sudden change in my appearance to those who do not know about me which in my case is just about everyone? I have not seen any reason to announce who I am at work because of fear of loosing my job. So now it will be sort of hard to deny that I am different. I have been trying to pass as a male but I get “ma’amed” a lot these days in drab. I am not very objective about how well I pass (there is this big ditch under my nose), so I see all the flaws (like that ravine on my face) and can not see beyond them. So with this change, I will probably (hopefully) look even more feminine than I do now. Which brings two issues to the forefront. Am I ready to face the world before I go full-time, and do I really need this done at all? Since there is not guarantee that I will pass any better than I do now, is the risk and cost justifiable? I will say that when I had my nose and trachea done by Dr. Hennessy two years ago, my self-confidence and self-esteem rose tremendously even though the changes were subtle and no one noticed them. If I can feel better about myself then that does justify the cost and maybe this crevasse will shrink.

So before me is another crossroads in my journey. Unlike the previous one where there was very real factual need like electrolysis or trachea shave, this time it is more a desire. Kind of like the difference between a want and a need. It also forces me to be more prepared for the great coming out day that looms ahead. I am sure that I am no different than most of you. Those who have gone before me have had to make similar decisions and those behind me will face them eventually. Of course you do not have the San Andreas Fault growing under you nose.

There is one positive point to having the surgery done and that is Dr. Hennessy will fill in the Grand Canyon for free. She must have a large shovel.

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