Preface
I need to preface this by saying that I am single and live with my mother. I promised my father before he died that I would take care of my mother and that is to whom I am coming out. This posting will be updated as events occur. I am posting this very personal and difficult topic because it might help someone someday. I have been searching out information on coming out to a parent; trying to find the magic formula, and have found very little. I have asked a lot of the girls in the chats and via correspondence and even asked Rachel of the TGForum. What I have found, is that a lot of the girls to whom I look up to as leaders and role models have not done this. This has put me in an awkward situation in that I am a passive person by nature and a follower. I now see myself in a leadership role (one that I am not used to) because I am about to do something that not many have done. Therefore, I am going to tell you what and why I am doing this, the risk I face, and even more importantly - the aftermath. This is not easy for me to write but I hope that someone can benefit from it.
Why Do This
November 22nd, 1997, I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking about the day's events and put things in perspective. I was thinking how wonderful the past five months had been. This has been the happiest time of my life. Why? Because I have meet wonderful friends who love and care for me, and because I have been able to go out and be myself.So with that in mind I was thinking about my future, and there I drew a blank. I had no future. I could not see beyond a week or two, and that disturbed me greatly. Why did I not have a future? Why could I not see down the road? Was there not going to be a tomorrow for me? So I did as I always do; I panicked and cried until I got it out of my system and began to try to logically sort out this futureless situation. And then as if a bolt of lightening lit up my room, I saw the problem - my mother.
The road that I am on has a road block, my mother. As any of you may ever recall going through the twenty questions when you were a kid about where are you going, who are you seeing, when are you going to be back, etc., well you see I run into that every time I go out. So I naturally have to lie about doing anything that is TG related. Lets face it, there are only so many excuses that you can make for going out of town or for being away on certain evenings. And what hurts me the most is lying to my mother. My male self has no problem with lying, but Beverly (my true self) has a very difficult time justifying telling a lie. I am a better person than my male self, and I never want to sink to that level. So having identified the source of the problem, the only choice I have is to come out to her or not.
In the past this was never an option. I just flatly refused to do anything to hurt my mother. Of course I did not know anyone and never went out and basically had no future then so the point was mute. Now I had to ask myself the very difficult question of "Which is more important; hurting my mother or my future happiness?" And I selfishly chose my future happiness. That decision was one of the hardest I have ever made. But once I made it; it was as if a 43 pound (year) weight had been removed from my neck, and I could stand up straight again (pun not intended), and I could see a road in front me with several forks so I do have a future.
The Risk
If it had been this simple, we would all have done it day one, but there was big factor that weighed heavily in the decision - the risk. What do I have to lose and what do I gain.The easy part is what I gain. I gain freedom. By being out I will be able to go and do just about what I want. I hope to begin adopting an androgynous lifestyle. I hope to be able to hang up my clothes in the closet instead of packing them away in boxes to wrinkle. I hope to be able to be me as much as possible. No matter what the outcome I gain this or most of it.
What can I loss? Everything. The worst case scenario is I loss my mother, my blood family and my home. That is a lot. The best case would be that my mother will be totally accepting (heck she may have known about this all along and never said anything) and will actually help me shop, teach me to cook and do the things that mothers pass onto daughters. And then there is everything in between. Even if she is un-accepting as long as she knows what I am doing then there is still that margin of freedom.
I have one great hope. And that is her love for me will overcome her homophobia (oh did I not tell you she is prejudice against anything that is not the middle of the road conservative).
How I Am Going To Tell Her
I have decided to tell my mother by handing her a letter. I well probably be in such an emotional state that I could not get out the first couple of sentences without breaking down so the letter will speak for me. I have drafted it a couple of times while my head was clear (or reasonably so). I have set a deadline of June 12, 1998 to tell her by. This marks the one year anniversary of me opening the door by finding Tiffany, and it gives me a date to hold myself to. It also gives me time to prepare. I have contacted other t-girls, been in the chat rooms, searched the web for resources and posted in the TGForum. I must say that everyone has been very supportive. Some question if this is what I should do and others have suggested that I leave and give her time to herself and other say that staying is proper. Lets face it; there is no magic formula, and I am feeling my way through this. I intend to stay there in the room while she reads this and wait to see if I have a mother afterwards. I will have some support documents with me to explain certain issue about crossdressers.In the letter I will explain that I am a heterosexual CD. I feel that she can handle that a lot easier than for me to throw in the TG and TS stuff. If she can handle the CD part then I believe I can migrate to the TG side with little problem later on.
If you want to read the letter then you can click here to read it. I have changed a name or two in it but that is all. And I also wish to say that I wrote this letter before seeing any other letters out on the wed. I did find one letter that was so remarkably similar to mine that blatant plagiarism comes to mind. Please believe me, I did not copy anyone’s letter (it would have been so much easier if I had); these are my own words.
Follow Up
As I said this will be an ongoing posting and I will let you know when and how it goes. If you have any suggestion please fe-mail me. I am all alone in this part of the journey and your support and prayers would be great appreciated.
January 1, 1998
What a way to start the New Year. I have just come out about two hours ago. And my mom still loves me! I walked in to my mom with the letter in my hand. She asked what it was and I said "something serious." I handed it to her; and as she read the letter, I began to shake. My heart stopped when she said, "Crossdresser? Is this a joke?" I just shook my head; and as she read on, I began to mentally pack my bags. Then she said "If that is all that is bothering you don't worry, there is nothing you could do that will ever make me not love you." A lot of tears and hugs followed. She asked about why I had told her and why I had not. I showed her some pictures of me and she said that I was a "handsome" woman, and that no one would ever recognize me. She asked about my clothes, wigs, and makeup and just could not believe that I had been doing this for all these years. We sat down and had a cup of green tea and she said that what I did with my life was nobody's business but mine and that everyone has a right to be happy in their life. Now this is a 180° turn around for her. I am sure that now that she knows someone personally who is "different" has caused this new acceptance. I am sure that there will be a lot of discussions to follow as I begin to come out more around her. I will keep you posted as things develope.
I want to thank everyone who has given me advice, support and prayers; it is because of you that I found the strength to see this through. And to anyone who follows me in coming out to anyone, I wish you the same results. Thank you all, Beverly.
January 4, 1998
Well the shock has worn off a little, and she has begun to ask questions. I have tried to answer them honestly and in a positive manner. Her biggest concern so far is security, not having someone outing me to others. Since I have not dressed here in town and even she admitted that I do not look like my male self and very few people know my male name so that risk is low; and one I am willing to take. She is surprised about how I got my clothes, make-up and wigs. She even asked my bra size. She was more shocked that I used the ladies rest rooms. I told her that I would look very silly using the mens when dressed. So she is learning and growing (hopefully more comfortable), and I am less nervous and more at ease. I have not dressed in front of her nor have I done anything very feminine either. I want to take this slowly and hopefully she will not reject anything.
January 6, 1998
Well things are going fairly good. She has asked a few more questions like what size pantyhose do I wear. She has also asked if I have a girl's coat (I am hoping that she is concerned about her "daughter's" health). I am a little bit disappointed in that she seems reluctant to meet Beverly. I asked her if she would like to see me dressed and she said that she had seen my pictures. I wanted to dress here for the Saturday TGA meeting, but she would prefer that I dress there. I am not pushing the issue. I will let her get used to me (it has just been a week); and hopefully, she will become more supportive. I can not complain at this level of acceptance; and if she progresses no furture, I will still be happy. I will try to involve her on shopping questions and small things in the hope that she might find it fun to have a daughter.
January 8, 1998
Well every day brings new developements and today's were great. I got in the mail today a blazer that had been back ordered for a month. Unlike before where I would have to sneak it into the house, I brought it in with me. Mom wanted to see it on me (first time she has actively participate in my dressing, if only just one article, hopefully more will follow). She really did not like it and offered to take me shopping with her. Of course I jumped at the offer. I need help with my clothes selections, and I know it, and I can get a lot of knowledge from her. She was also interested in what I was going to wear this weekend to the TGA meeting and also next weekend to the Phoenix meeting to see Tiffany. I showed her a picture of the green knit dress and she was very complementary of it. I feel great and happy and I can only see bright things in my future.
January 18, 1998
I may have had a small set back. Yesterday I started my androgynous look. I'll admit that it is very drab but as I was leaving to go out of town to visit Tiffany and to attend the Phoenix meeting I only had on a pair of socks and a sweater that were men's, everything else I wore came from the ladies department. Well mom was not please at all with the look. I am not sure what she did not like about it, and she would not say specifically. She may be fine with me dressing totally and being with my friends but she may not be comfortable with me dressing in some way that identifies with my male self. I don't know, but it concerns me that there may be a stumbling block ahead. I had hoped that the androgynous route would be a way toward a future transition of sorts, a way to gradually blend Beverly and her personality with my male self. Other than that things are going along fine. She still very security conscious and that is very sweet of her to want to protect me. I just have to reassure her that I have already worried enough for both of us about security.
January 25, 1998
Mom has brought the "homo" word into our conversations. I have explained to her about the differences between open support groups like TGA and Pheonix and closed groups like TriEss. Mom is very homo-phobic which is one of the reasons I did not tell her about my TS leanings. We are discussing clothing more each day. She is telling me things to look for in shopping and I am showing her things I am looking at in catalogs. I have met a new T-girl this week and mom again is on her security kick. I have to love her because she is looking out for my well being, but I must keep telling her that you have to trust someone sometime or I would be in the closet and miserable. So life goes on and it is still very good.
February 15, 1998
Well yesterday was a first for me and mom. She saw me dressed but not in makeup. Well I sort of barged in on her so she did not have a choice really *giggle*. I had been torn on what to wear to the TGA meeting and then to a local. I was leaning toward my black stretch jeans (I think I look good in them in fact some at the TGA meeting could not believe that I did not have on any padding down there - I always was a little hippy and had a bit of a tush). Well mom has seen me in them before and her comment was that they were tight (yes that is why I got them *giggle*). Well last Sunday while as the Target store see saw this sweater on sale in the "mens" department and thought that it would go good with lots of things and mentioned the jeans in particular. So Saturday I put it on over my bra to see how it looked and it worked. This is the kind of look I need to blend and I will probably wear it to Asheville next Saturday. Anyways I went upstairs to "get her opinion" (to show her actually) and she thought I looked good. Her big concern was me wearing it to Greensboro. She is afraid I will have car trouble or an accident (bless her). Well I only removed my breast forms and put a jacket on over it (because the bra is very noticable under the sweater. I now wonder how long it will be until she meets her daughter.
February 23, 1998
Yesterday I got home from a weekend meeting of the Kappa Beta chapter of Tri Ess in Charlotte. As I was un-packing mom asked me to come to her room. She had a skirt that she could not wear because the elastic has broken; in fact, the skirt had never been dry cleaned. She asked me to try it on to see if I could wear it. So I went to my room and I put on my hose, flats and a white top (no bra) and the skirt and went in to show her. She said it looked good on me and she gave it to me. I told that did she ever think that she would be giving her clothes to her son to wear. She just rolled her eyes and I kissed her on the cheek.
Today we spent an hour looking at some catalogs that I got in the mail today. It was great comparing styles and looks. She is on the practical side more interested in if it is washable and needs no ironing while I am still mostly interested in how it looks, but we agree on a lot of things.
April 5, 1998
I have returned from a trip with mom to Myrtle Beach. It is really depressing to see all the young women in their swimsuits and bikinis and shorts and tops; and realize that you will never be young again, you will never look that cute, and that you are not yet a true woman. Oh well... But I did get in a lot of shopping with mom and bought a lot clothes including panties, bra, cincher, blouses, pants, sweater and a skirt. Back at the hotel I had to model them all for her and of course I remained in then all evening. So mom is having some fun in the shopping aspect because this is something that we can do together. She is still very down on my crossdressing being anything other than recreational. She does not like for me to wear lingerie under my drabs and does not want me to leave the house dressed. She also thinks I am spending too much time in my "new" activities. Well it is has only been 3 months so I should be; and I am, very happy for how accepting that she is.
May 23, 1998
Well all good things come to an end and the peace and harmony with mom has also. I have a couple outwardly feminine attributes at the moment that I like and want to keep. It is my way of saying to the world that I am Beverly (even if it is a whisper). I have long nails for a guy at ¼" of white. I have also started to let my hair grow longer in the hope that I can change the style to a more androgynous one that I can butch up for work and that I can migrate to a feminine one in the future. I have also started to wear some girl clothes as my guy apparel. Well mom has been nagging me constantly for the last week and we even got into an arguement where she stormed out of the kitchen and slammed the door to her room. The nagging is her main tool and she will do it constantly until I give in or she gives up (I have not seen her give up yet). She just can not understant that this is not a choice for me but a necessity. I plan to stick to my guns as long as I can. It is odd in that she complained about me dressing too much yet she and I went shopping together today and we each got some pretty things. I am confused but I guess I should still be happy that she has not disowned me.
August 8, 1998
Well Mom finally got to meet her daughter today. I was planning to go the TGA meeting in a nearby town and I was planning to go dressed. That would also mean that I would be leaving the house in broad daylight. Well Mom was very much against that trying to protect me or her but she saw that I was going to do it with or without her blessing. So I got ready. Now Mom has seen pictures and she has seen me dressed but without the wig and makeup. So this was a first for both of us. When she saw me she was complementary of my ability to cover the redness from electrolysis and when I asked her how I looked she said with a sigh of resignation that "if you have to look that way, you look good." She also suggested that I wear a half slip with the dress I had on even though it was lined. She still wants me to cut my nails and my hair but I am standing my ground (of course if I keep breaking my nails then I will not need to cut them).
September 7, 1998
I had a new experience with Mom today. We went cosmetic shopping today and it was very interesting comparing how my generation and her's looks at cosmetics and how different our taste is to that of the younger girls out there. Now the really fun part, you know that you are being accepted when your mother borrows your cosmetics. Life is getting better.
December 6, 1998
It has been almost a year now since I broke the news to mom and she has come a long way but she still has a long way to go. She still nags me about my ever growing long hair and my long nails and I guess she is not going to stop and I do not intend to give in either. She has met some TS friend of mine briefly and did not freakout. She knows that Tiffany is now full time and she really likes Tiffany and is handling that a little bit harder but what can she (mom) do. She has been watching television shows with TG people on it and she still only picks up on the negativity that society demonstrates. At least she is sympathetic. She this last week saw me in every stage of getting ready to go out and she was curious to say the least. We were shopping this week at the mall (I was in drab) and afterwards she really enjoyed shopping with someone again who shared her interest and I responded that there are advantages to having a daughter and her reply was, "I never said that there wasn't any."
April 12, 1999
Well things mom and me are going along pretty good. She has everyday complained about my long hair with have been now over a year since I saw the barber and this past Saturday mom saw me dressed with my own hair. Well I am not that good at styling yet but she did complement me and she has not said a thing about my hair in two days. I think she has finally given up on it. We went to the beach a few weeks ago and I think we really bonded like never before. Even though I did not dress, I think she treated me more like a daughter for the first time. She did buy my a lovely long print lavender skirt and a blounce. So life goes on one day at a time and each brings a new adventure and a new opportunity.
July 4, 1999
Well things with mom are going along okay. She has come a long way and still has a long way to go. She seams more accepting and supportive but I do not think she is ready to face transitioning yet. I have been doing lots of preliminay work with long hair, electrolysis, and I have some facial surgery planned for November. And she knows all about them. She watched the Teri O'Conner story on 20/20 last night with me and I think that gave her a new sense of understanding especially when they interviewed Teri's mom. So I will give her time and I will stretch the envelope as far as I can. Since I do not have a time table for my own transition I see no reason to push this on mom now.
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