Doldrums
I have been feeling sort of down lately and I wonder if any of you have had this same experience. Have you ever felt that you are not going anywhere? I mean that you reach a point where nothing is happening in your journey; like it has stalled. Well that is sort of how I am feeling. I see friends all around me coming out to friends and family, transitioning at work, or pushing the envelope in some way and here I sit basically doing nothing. I know I am committing the cardinal sin of comparing myself to others. Sorry but I am human and we tend to do that sort of thing.I have talked to some friends about this feeling of mine and they all say nonsense. They have said that "you are doing electrolysis, on HRT, and seeing your therapy group." "You are also going out and building pose and confidence and you can not be making large steps every day of your life." And I guess that is the key.
When I first came out and started going out, every outing was a major step. Every time out was something new. From going to a new support group to a visit to a beauty parlor to going to a new restaurant; every event was expanding my envelope more. Until today when these first are fewer and farther between. Once it was a big deal to go to the grocery store and now that is more common. And maybe that is what I am missing? The excitement!! And that suddenly scares me. Because for me to have excitement means that I have to take new risk and the consequences of these new risk are a lot greater than those of the earlier times.
I like these cold water splashes in the face of reality. Because it shows me that I am still vulnerable to the all the old fears; they are just repackaged for the new risk. It also means that I can do something totally foolish and take unnecessary risk when I do not have to. So maybe my not going anywhere is leading me slowly in the right direction? I know that I am going forward with current and at least I have not stopped or retreated any. I guess my next real step forward will be some facial surgery in November. I now have several months to worry about that getting here too quickly.
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