Up until February 21, 1998, all of my outings dressed in public have been with other people. I real felt comfortable being with others because I draw strength from them and because I do not yet have the mental confidence that I pass. I had not planned that Saturday would be my first solo outing but unforeseen events made it a necessity.
I had gone Friday to the Kappa Beta meeting in Charlotte. We met in the motel room where we met a new girl on her first meeting with anyone. She was beautiful. She looked like a 19 year old co-ed and could pass anywhere; however, she was so scared that she would leave the room (I know because I have been there not over a year ago - I only wish I had started as early as she has and looked so good). Well four of us went out to a Thai restaurant and had a very good and enjoyable meal. I know that we were read because from where I was seated I could see people checking us out as they when to the bathroom (several times). I was not uncomfortable at all because again I was with friends. When we did return we were checked out pretty closely by some boys in the upstairs rooms. Again I smiled at them and loved it.
The following morning I got up early because I had to go to Asheville to sign up for group therapy session that was forming there. This was to be a first in that I would be traveling for five hours round trip dressed in daylight. Well I wore my black tight jeans and a beige sweater and flats which is my blending outfit. I got near Statesville and I had a coughing attack. I was recovering from the flu and it left me with a bad cough. It was at that moment that I realized that I had left my cough drops in the room. (did I do it unconsciously?)
Well it was too far to turn back and I could not suffer all day without them so I decided to go into a drug store and buy some. I stopped at a Revco and then chicken out and drove off but a cough hit and I just turned around and when back. I checked my hair and makeup and got out of the car and walked in. I went straight to the cough drops which fortunately were easy to find and walked to the front of the store. It was pretty empty and the pharmacist said that they could ring me up at the pharmacy. The cashier was pleasant and thanked me and being the conversationalist that I am I just smiled and nodded. I wonder if she saw my trembling hand as I handed her my money. I did see a man checking me out in another part of the store. I do not know if I was read by anyone but no one laughed and I left with such a thrill that I almost skipped to the car.
Well the rest of the trip to Asheville was uneventful and since I got there early I decided to get some gas. I drove to three stations before I found a pay at the pump (I did not want to push my luck). I got my gas and again I saw a guy checking me out. I do not know if I was being read or if he was looking at a girl (I hope the latter).
The session sign-up lasted longer than expected and the trip back to Charlotte was quicker in that I was in a hurry to get back for dinner with the Kappa Betas. I got back and freshened up and changed into my green knit two piece dress and black heals and meet them for dinner in the meeting room. I got the great pleasure of meeting another new girl who I had been talking to online and had hand in convincing to come out. She had gotten her first makeover that day and looked great. It really felt good to know that I had touched someone's life in a positive manner. I told them of my little adventure and they were all complementary even though they had all done it long before me. We went all went to the restaurant and we had a back room to ourselves. I did go to the bar in the front of the restaurant for a drink. Again I saw people look but I do not know if I was read or if they saw a woman in a green dress.
The meal and conversation was wonderful and I enjoyed talking to my little sister whom I had helped. It is so great to feel comfortable and to be yourself. It is times like these that I feel complete, I feel like I am a whole person, I feel like I am truly one within myself. We all returned to the meeting room for some girl talk and then off to bed.
I now have a new problem. I now have this uncontrollable urge to get out dressed and to see if I pass or not. The urge is getting so strong that I might do something foolish but it is like anything else you like, once you taste the joy you want more; and I want a lot more.
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