Speak Softly and Carry a Long Word

Going back to our basic principle, women communicate by consensus. Last month we saw how women who are the listener use physical movement and facial expression to draw themselves into the conversation. Now lets look at how the speaker includes the listener into the conversation. Remember women want agreement and inclusion and it is reflected in the words that we use. Inclusive pronouns are very important. If you are telling someone about a trip that you and a friend took, you will always use “we” instead of “I”. “You know” is also inclusive as in “You know, I have never been to Niagara Falls.” Maybe you are describing a new dress that you bought and during the description you said, “Don’t you just love the new Fall color this season.” Here you have drawn in the listener by including them in with the rhetorical question. Even if the conversation is one sided, the speaker wants the listener to be a part of the conversation and to above all agree with what she is saying.

Another method of including the listener is the technique of “prefacing.” I have to admit that this is one of hardest techniques for me to incorporate into a conversation. Prefacing is used when you are talking and you ask the listener if they are familiar with a topic. It was demonstrated to me so naturally last Sunday while I was visiting a church with a friend who is a member there. One the women there came up to us and was talking about a mural that she had gone to see that my friend had told her about, and she turned to me to inquire if I had seen it before she proceeded to describe the many fine points that the mural had depicted. Prefacing is the polite thing to do and it breaks down any barriers so that once again everyone is on level ground or as close as can be.

One good technique is to elongate the vowel in your words. A co-worker got flowers this week and her description included “soooooo gooooorgous.” This adds emphasis but it also help with intonation a great deal. Also it allows melody into the speech pattern. One of the basic vocal exercises is saying words with very exaggerated elongate vowels. And one of the qualities that I am trying to induce into my speech is melody. Some women just naturally have a melodic voice and I want one too.

Along with elongating your vowels, try breathiness. Breathiness is sort of like a sigh while talking. Okay, here is what I mean. Say the word “yes” slowly and at the same time exhale. So now you have a slow breathy word which some say can be sexy. I do not know; I only end up hyperventilating. But women do use this technique.

Conditional words are also used a lot. A woman wants permission or to be allowed while a man will demand or take. In a restaurant a man will order by saying, “I want the steak.” A woman will order by saying, “I would like the chef salad and may I have the dressing on the side.” “I would like” is not as strong as “I want” and “may I have” is asking for permission. She is not demanding that the dressing be on the side in case the restaurant cannot accommodate her and it also is easier to get people to help you if you ask them instead of telling them.

In the same vain, tentative language is also used. Here words likes; maybe, could, might, possibly, etc. are usual to signal that something is not firm. Remember women want agreement. You do not get that by being firm; you have to be flexible. So these words give the speaker flexibility. “I think I might like to have the salad.” Now I am free to change my mind (you know, it is my prerogative).

As you can see, voice is a lot more than a pitch. For those of you that have a very deep voice, just think of all the actresses and famous women in the world that have low voices. Pitch is important but not the only thing. If you can incorporate these speech patterns into your conversations, you will be adding another major element to your total feminine projection that can help compensate for a low pitch.

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