Suicide

I came away from SCC exhausted both physically and mentally. The passing of Barbara Richards at the event really left me drained after a very emotional week. I returned home from after a week as me and to start living my dual existence once again was a strain in itself. I am having a harder and harder time reverting back to my male side. A close friend told me that I am not passing well as a guy which is great news but it causes a lot of stress to try to project a male image when there is nothing inside anymore from which to project.

I returned to work where there was a week's backlog of work plus the normal work load caused a lot long hours and stress. On top of that I was implementing a major project the I had been working on since February. This project had a lot of visibility because of the customer and because of the fact that it had never been done before and I do honestly believe that several people were hoping that this would fail. This was the bleeding edge of technology (my blood would be all over this project). So my stress level was way beyond my ability to cope with it properly and I stepped on a lot of toes, no stomp is a better word; and I went over a lot of heads to get this project in on time. I know I have been reported but at the time it did not matter. But all of this was weighing me down. I might have had some PMS thrown in there too. So by the weekend I was a basket case.

What threw me over the edge was the news that a friend of mine had tried to commit suicide. After the shock wore off, I was in a daze for rest of Saturday. Saturday would have been a great day under normal circumstances. A dear friend leaves next week for GRS in Thailand, another friend got her date for GRS next year, and another close friend has decided to go full-time. Each one of these would have been reason to celebrate, but they were all overshadowed by the news of the suicide attempt. The good news I can report to you is that she is okay and that news did help me some; but for the life of me, I could not understand why she did it. Now do not get me wrong. I at one time was close to suicide, but that was a long time ago in a life long gone.

What has me so bothered is that I do not know why she did it because to me she has it all. She is pretty and passes well. She is full-time. She has a good job, and she have a lover. She even has her surgery date for GRS set for next year.

I met this girl on her first day out, and I later helped her find a therapist and get on HRT. I should also say that she has only been out for 11 months. Yes, she fast tracked and she was full-time after 5 months. In a way, I feel somewhat responsible; because of my help she has gotten to this point so quickly. But what has me disturbed the most is the fact that she has achieved everything that I have been working toward in such a short time. I would be lying if I said that I was not envious of her achievements. And if she can have it all and still do this; can the same fate await me went I reach that same point? That what scares me. Something is terribly wrong here, and I do not understand it. All I know is that someone I care about tried to harm herself and I am scared that one day it could be me; or you.

As a follow up, I am better. I was able to talk to some friends that confirmed some on my suspicions so I know that I am not on the same path as she and I will succumb to her faith.

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