The Yanks Are Coming

Now let me give you some background information about the events that lead up to this dangerous situation. I guess we could blame everything on my first therapist, for she was the one that first encouraged me to grow my hair long. But that would be too easy and beside I have already blamed her for loads of other things.

If you recall last year about this same time I wrote an article on tanning and alternatives to tanning. Being someone that does not tan well, I chose to go with the albino look for the year and got a lot of grief from my friends for making that choice. Okay, lets blame my friend for everything, but again that would be so easy and they already have been blamed for everything from bad clothing choices, bad makeup advice, bad music taste, my hangnail, and sun spots to name a few. I really need a good tan for Southern Comfort this year and being the planner I am, I started early.

I first tried a sunless product, something I blame a friend for recommending. This was a good product in that it was not too greasy and went on smoothly with minimal streaking. However, I was just not too happy with the overall outcome of the application. You see, I really love tangerines to eat but the color is just not me. I think it clashes with my jaundice.

Then one day at the salon where I get my hair done, they posted a sign about a special on the use of their tanning booths. Well, if you want to get my attention you just mention clearance or special. The salon was offering unlimited usage for a low monthly price. I did some quick ciphering (ala Jethro Bodine) in my head, and figured that this was what I needed to get the perfect tan. I remembered all the risk I spoke about the previous year and quickly dismissed them as acceptable.

Not having ever been in a tanning apparatus before, I was instructed by one of the beauticians how it operates. The beautician sets the timer; I just go inside, push the on button and stand there. If I get too hot, I can push the off button. On…Off. Hey, I can do this because I am someone who is totally un-mechanical. I spent three hours last year trying to change a back up light in my mother’s car. I should say that I spent three hours trying to force the wrong bulb into the socket. So an on/off thingy is as about as complex a machine as I can handle. She also suggest that could turn around inside to get a more uniform tan, sort of like a pirouetting rotisserie chicken.

So I step into this three foot by three foot dressing cubical which has a door that leads into the booth. This is stand up booth instead of one of those tanning beds where you lie down between the bulbs like a cheese sandwich. I striped down naked so I would not have to deal with tan lines. And because I wanted the to get even coverage on the back of my neck, I pulled my hair up on top of my head and secured it with a clip. This seemed to be a brilliant idea on my part but now we have set ourselves up for disaster.

I stepped from the dressing cube into the tanning box and closed the door. I put on my protective goggles and push the on button ready for a new experience and new experience I got. I got my hair caught in the exhaust fan at the top of the booth. Fortunately my hand was still on the switch and was able to cut the off the power and able to pull my hair free of the fan – less a few strand that got wrapped around the blade.

I was just able to barely avoid disaster. I stood there catching my breath thinking about what could have happened. I could have had chunks of my hair and scalp ripped from my head. I could have become hopelessly entangled in the fan – naked. Now think about how embarrassing it would have been for me and the paramedic or the firemen with the jaws of life coming to my rescue. Think about the new coverage - oh the humanity of it all.

So that is my warning to you all. Long hair and fans are an invitation for trouble. Be careful. Always look about you to see if a fan lies in wait for you or for one of your loved one. So whom can I blame this incident on? Why of course, the fan manufactures association. They need to make a hair proof fan. Lets face it, fans are dangerous and in the hands of the wrong people can prove deadly. Imagine a fan in the hands of a deranged killer. I can the movie sequel now. Friday the 13th – Chapter 27– Jason’s Fan Club. We need action! We need to lobby of senators and congressmen to take action to prevent this from happening to some other poor soul before it is too late.

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