Another appointment with Doctor D today. As you can see from the entry below, I haven't seen him in quite a while. I managed to chat to him about a few things on my mind. My hairdresser noticed that my hairline has proceeded and have extra growth on my crown. He seemed very pleased and took notes. I also mentioned I have breast ache again which means my breasts are active and growing again. YIPPEE! I then asked about a problem I have with taking Spironolactone. I think it contains some kind of chemical which gives a very bitter taste. If it gets caught on your tongue when you swallow it, you get an after taste which I can only compare to eating ear wax! So I asked Doctor D about maybe a different product/alternative. He said there really wasn't and then offered that I may not need to take it anymore anyway. Reason being that my last blood test indicated zero testosterone. So I shall see what happens over the next three months and if I get increased body hair growth then I'll see him again and go back on the Spironolactone again. Raised a last point on Provera—I noticed that on the new regime of taking it only on the first 14 days of each month that I would feel nauseous and bloated. Is apparently normal on a dose like I'm on so he's decided to reduce that too. So another new strategy now is:

Today I had another appointment with Doctor D. He explained to me that a trainee doctor would be present and asked if that was okay. I didn't mind—she was apparently from Belfast, Ireland and when I came in to the office she gave me a very limp hand shake and never said a word. Doctor D reviewed my last blood test and we talked about how I was feeling. I explained that his strategy for cycling the Provera hadn't done anything for my breast growth. We talked about possible reasons for this, plus how far up my dosage should go. So the new strategy now is to proceed with a new hormone regime:

So to review—I'm taking 100mg less of Spironolactone and 10mg less of Medroxyprogesterone, but up 4mg of Oestradiol. I'm not fully convinced that I will see any more breast growth. When I compare what my hormone regime is like to other transsexuals around the world, I wonder what the fuss is all about. My levels are tiny. Mentally, I'm coming to a stage now where I wonder about the years I've been on hormones and and how little things have changed. Obviously I have changed a lot—physically—but my breast growth is very important to me. If the hormones don't help this time, I guess I'll be looking at breast implants. A point I always raise with Doctor D is the Endocrine philosophy of "Oh—you can't take that many hormones—it's bad for you!". On the other hand—they don't care if you go ahead and have plastic surgery. Both carry risks—but I guess it all comes down to accountability. I feel that any accountability is down to me—and I would really like to feel like more of a woman, especially with the years ticking by, than wait around timidly with tiny doses of hormones, and worrying about a possible blood clot.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM! Hmmmm—getting fed up now. Definitely fed up.

Today I had my second appointment with my new Endocrinologist Dr D. I was due to seem him at 11:00am so I took a nice hot bath and did my hair up with the good old rollers again. This time I wore a black thong, a black lace bra, a black lycra body suit with bootleg blue jeans and black knee high leather boots, all finished off with a little black leather jacket. I wasn't intending to look like a biker chick but sometimes these things happen. Basically the weather was awful—wind and rain and very cold—so hence the outfit.

I finally arrived at the hospital after doing battle with a silly taxi driver who didn't seem to know where the hell he was going and arrived about 10:45am. Dr. D's nurse greeted me again and asked me to take a seat. I asked her to weigh me again as I had lost a lot of weight. Just after taking my first blood test for Dr. D I became ill with a stomach virus—and as a consequence I had lost 6kgs.

About thirty minutes later Dr. D had me sat in his office and we reviewed my blood tests. Everything appears to be pretty normal, with a big fat zero for testosterone levels—which is wonderful. Estrogen count is peaking at 623—so when you consider a genetic woman may peak at 1000 I am within range. No real problems with anything else and I'll be taking one more blood test as my initial results were abnormal due to my stomach virus.

We then talked about my breast growth—if my estrogen levels are good then why weren't they still growing? There could be all sorts of reasons for this, but Dr. D came back to the subject of me being on Provera. He related to me his experience with teenage females and their treatment for late maturity and the use of progesterone. Constant use of Provera has produced inhibited growth of breast tissue in such patients. Dr. D advised me that I start cycling my Provera intake to just the first fourteen days of each month then stop. This relates more to the natural rhythms of a genetic woman and should allow more breast tissue growth, avoiding the inhibiting nature of progesterone. I guess we'll see what happens.

I thought we were about to wrap things up but Dr. D had a physical examination next—so it was off with my clothes—just leaving on my panties—and on with one of those lovely hospital robes. I had a female nurse present while the examinations took place. Dr. D tested blood circulation. Glands. Skin condition. Testicular shrinkage. Everything checked out nicely and we closed with a chat about me seeing a Psychologist in parallel to my hormone treatment and that I should come back and see Dr. D in three months time.

I left feeling really happy again after seeing Dr.D, he's really a wonderful doctor.

Today I had an appointment with a third Endocrinologist—I'll call him Dr D. I guess it really was third time lucky—he actually seemed to care about me rather than judge me. The last two Endocrinologists I had seen privately and they seemed to  treat me like a number on a list. I felt like they hadn't taken me seriously. This time I would be seeing an Endocrinologist on the Public Health System. I had been quite nervous about seeing Dr D since receiving confirmation of my appointment with him. I really wanted to be taken seriously this time. On the morning of my appointment I woke up early and took a long bubble bath, washed my hair, blow dried and styled it with some large rollers. I love the effect rollers give—allowing some height and body into my hair.

I haven't been wearing make-up since around December 2001 as I've been having electrolysis on my facial hair—so I just toned and moisturised. Then it was time to pull everything out of my wardrobe and throw items of clothing around the room before deciding on black trousers, which have a nice flare at the base of the leg, a black lycra top, a black jacket and some black knee high leather boots. Hmmmm—you've gotta' love black! After taking my rollers out and adding final touches to my hair, I ordered a cab and arrived at the hospital in plenty of time.

Dr. D's nurse was nice and friendly and she took me to have my weight and height measured. It wasn't long before Dr D greeted me in the waiting room by saying "Congratulations!" I wondered what he was talking about and shook his hand. I asked what he meant. He said he thought I was a woman waiting to see him and wondered who I was. I thought that was pretty cool—no makeup and I was passing as a woman. He sat me down in his office and interviewed me about my medical history and previous hormone therapy. There was no physical exam—which was a relief—and I basically asked him for what I needed—a blood test and a new script. He reviewed my current hormone course and approved. I left Dr D feeling really happy and yes—he'd taken me seriously. So next week I'll be taking some blood tests and I'll be seeing Dr D to review the results in two months time.

My last day of work for a television production company—name withheld—who had employed me for around seven years. I decided to quit my job and move down to Wellington—New Zealand's capital. Why? That's where my new partner lives. Her name is Stephanie. The story of how we met is pretty complex—but to cut a long story short—we are very much in love! This is the first relationship in which I have been fully accepted as Dee—and without a doubt it's the happiest time of my life. We live in a lovely little house high on a hillside, overlooking Wellington Harbour. And in our home are Stephanie's two wonderful black Burmese pussy cats.  They're so beautiful! [smiles]

I'm currently having a rest from work—I think they call it a sabbatical? [smiles] I needed a break from work—having had no holiday for around four years—and so I'm living with my soul mate at last—and loving every second.

Good news—moved in to a new flat.. Now living with one other person instead of three. And it is wonderful. I feel fifteen years younger and the stress has all gone away. Why didn't I move years ago? I have no idea! [smiles]

Today I started a new hormone course—Spironolactone (Anti Androgen) 100mg daily / Estrofem (Oestrogen) 6mg daily / Provera (Progesterone) 10mg daily. I guess I'll have to see if it will make any difference to my feminine development. Developments are going pretty well—but not well enough for my liking.

At this time I have to say that I am on a high in my life. I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right now? At last—it seems I'm getting a break after seven years of struggles. I can't believe it—but I finally met my soul mate. We are very much in love—and it's all very romantic. [smiles] I'll say more later. [blush]

By the way—Francis ran away from home. I was too sad at the time to post that awful news on here. I never found his body or anything so I don't think he got run over by a car. I think he was a free spirit and just went roaming someplace else. I still think of him a lot—and I do miss him. I hope he's okay.

[private note to self: don't mention you're depressed or lonely as people run a mile when they read such terrible news on your home page]. Yes—I was down and depressed—but hey—it's not forever. And what happened to me I cannot even share with you—it was so horrid—so I'm allowed to be down after all that. Anyway—I'm happy enough right now.

I'm glad I changed to Estrofem from Premarin—such a relief and I feel heaps less down (which is interesting). Just hope I get some more "femme" results. [waiting, waiting]

Have a new cat too—called him "Francis". He was going to have to be sent to the SPCA so I offered to take him home. He's a little angel—alas one of my flat mates didn't want a cat living there—which is interesting because when I interviewed her for the flat, I asked if she liked cats. ho-hum.

Well—haven't updated this page in a long, long time. After reading what appears before this—it's hard to believe how awful things have become for me. I have never been so alone in all my life. I feel awful and incredibly betrayed by my body and my mind. My mental health problems have returned in the form of depression. I really have to get myself out of this hole I'm in—such an incredibly deep hole. I want to fall in love again—but cannot find anyone. I really don't know what to do. I always thought life was so simple—and yet now it seems more complex than ever. I'm stuck in this state of transition between male and female right now and I can see no possible end to it all. I'm seeing a new therapist now and I hope she can help me. I guess I have to give things time—but just how long?

Sorry to be so down—just can't shake it off.

Today was going fairly well after a short sleep. Went to see my new therapist at 13:15hrs—she's a post-op transsexual and is very nice. Unfortunately I can only see her one more time as she has too many clients with me on board—so I'll be moving on to another therapist again.

Went to see my GP. I asked about changing from Premarin to Oestradiol 4mg daily. He said yes! I hope these hormones work a little better—please, please, please!!!

What follows is a copy of the memo I wrote when I came out at work. It was given to my Head of Department for her approval and she circulated it to all staff. She wrote in the subject of the e-mail: "A very nice note from Dee":

Dear All

I guess it's about time I explained myself to you all with regard to my appearance. There is no way for me to explain everything in one simple e-mail. Basically … after years of self doubt (since about the age of five) and therapy in my latter years, I have discovered myself to be transgendered. I have been on hormone treatment for around four months and have been classed as a pre-op transsexual. Keeping in line with my hormone specialist and the regulations in this country, I am living as a woman throughout my treatment, allowing the transition with hormones to continue.

Even though some people already know the details of my future as Dee, it is not my intention to offend or embarrass anyone through my actions. If you have any questions and would like to talk with me about my transition … then let me know … I would be happy to explain things further or just chat.

I intend to go by the name of Dee Annette Bolland … and I am in the process of changing my name on documents etc. where possible. I will still answer to my male name … although I do prefer Dee. (smile)

Kind Regards

Dee Bolland

The memo seemed to go down fairly well—I guess a lot of people had been wondering about my appearance. I received some nice feedback—mostly verbal, but here's a couple from some fellow colleagues:

About two weeks ago I began wearing full face make-up everyday—even at work. One obvious reason for this action was that all my lovely make-up was going to waste—so I thought I'd should show it off before it went off.

Then the next step came—two days ago I had my natural hair dyed. I'm naturally a dark blonde with highlights, my hair fairly curly and shoulder length. It is now brunette—a kind of deep brown black with dark copper low lights I am so happy with the result and it really does make a heap of difference. It has allowed me to wear more contrasting shades of make-up and I feel very confident. I want to go out every night. Of course as soon as my hair was  looking gorgeous I decided to live full-time as a woman. I've been wearing female clothes to work and have been shopping like a mad thing! The very little that remains of my male wardrobe will be discarded soon. I feel sick at the thought of wearing such clothing—it feels like wearing an old prison uniform.

The steps I have taken to living full-time as a woman have surprised a lot of people in my life. Me too in fact! But the only thing I can see as a logical answer is there always comes a time when you have to say: "Screw you world … this is me … I AM ME!" I cannot say that I feel like I can pass as a genetic woman by day, that will come in time with the hormones, but I feel very attractive and comfortable with my image. My hormone treatment is affecting my facial hair by limiting growth and thickness of the hair shaft. I also feel very different inside and in my heart. I feel so free and happy. I am the real me … Dee … at last.

The only thing that is a pain is getting up even earlier than I used to—around 05:30am—so I can have the bathroom to myself before my flat mates get up. I now take 15 minutes to fix my make-up, but lately I've been doing a 30 minutes job every morning, just to look a bit more glamorous. [grin] I've had so many compliments from people at work, my life feels enhanced and I only wish I could have done all this ten years ago. So with my make-up bag bulging, my perfumes and body treatments and whatever else it takes to feel and look good, I feel brave enough to be who I really am, and I am so happy! [beaming smile]

Have started taking Androcur. Thank Goddess! Along with the hormone patches, things should start happening. Over the last few months I've been wearing full face makeup to work and on the weekends, which is kind of cool and good practice. My application of day wear makeup is now down to just fifteen minutes! Well I think that's fairly fast. A lot faster than I used to be! [smile]

Before I started Androcur, I took the precaution of depositing some sperm at a Sperm Bank. It didn't cost much to do and will cost NZ$100 a year to keep it in long term storage. It has taken a lot of pressure off me. You never know, I may want kids one day. Apparently the sperm are good swimmers!

Have started using hormone patches, which have done nothing. My GP has now  referred me to a hormone specialist [Endocrinologist] for treatment. Will let you know how it all goes.