Hawkeye Boy's Autobiography

Whois Hawkeye Boy???

Well, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to check out my home in cyberspace. It's not the most complex or interesting homepage out there but it's mine and I put it together with no assistance. Well, not a lot of assistance anyways. There's a lot you can find out about me if you read through all of the pages on here but of course there's plenty that you won't find out. So what's to say, really?

I'm a 31 year old graduate... from the University of Iowa. I was born in El Paso, TX, on June 28th, 1973. I lived the first four weeks of my life there... have been in Houston ever since. I have returned home in 2000 after getting my degree in the cornfields of Iowa. Up until my going to school up north, Houston had been the only place I knew, the only place I've ever called home and it will always be a special place to me.7

I don't have a lot of memories of my infancy and toddler years except for what my family happened to capture in photographs.
By the looks of it, I was wild, rambunctious and sometimes quite the performer. I was the first child so just about everything I did was precious to my parents; not to mention, all of my extended family as well. I don't remember my paternal grandparents at all since they died when I was still an infant... my maternal grandfather died when I was a young boy... and it usually saddens me because everyone says that I was his favorite grandson. I can't believe that I have no memories of him. My sole surviving grandmother is one of the sweetest elderly ladies I know.

My childhood was pretty much a basic average American household. My father worked all the time, my mother worked part time while I went to school. We moved around so much that by the time I was 10, I had been to 9 different elementaries. I can still name them if you'd like. Once elementary was over, my life finally reached a sense of stability... we finally found a house in the suburbs of Houston and have stayed in the area ever since.

My junior high years at Watkins Jr. High were no big deal... almost like they didn't happen. I was never popular or part of the in the crowd... in fact, I stayed away... but still, I wasn't an outsider or an outcast... I knew everyone but most people knew that I was a person of strong convictions. For that reason, most of the trouble makers didn't even bother with peer pressure. I was the typical teenage boy growing up... little league baseball, boy scouts, football in the open field, bike riding down the creek. Wish there was more to say but the most I remember about this time of my life was how carefree and worryfree it was. When ever I see kids this age, I wonder where all the time went because it really feels like yesterday to me.

My high school years at Langham Creek were great and bad at the same time. I finally started to grow from a little runt into the wonderful person I am. *pats himself on the back* But seriously, these for years actually forced me to grow up... too quickly. My parents' marriage had hit rock bottom, not that I ever remember it being a great one. Not to mention, I was starting to have serious thoughts about my being different from everyone else. I wouldn't be able to come to terms with any of that until much later. But what I did focus on was my schooling, my friends, and thoughts of what a bright future might be. A college degree, a nice house, a nice career, a nice wife, a nice family, a beautiful Corvette... all of these things were so visible, I could almost touch them.

I graduated from HS in the top 5% of my class and was awarded a full scholarship to Texas A &M University as an Electrical
Engineering major. My freshman year in college was the one of the best and one of the worst years of my life. I finally realized that the beautiful picture I had painted in my imagination was never going to happen. Not because I wasn't capable of success, but because I was coming to terms with the fact that I was gay. It was not a phase like I thought it might have been.

I missed most of my classes, spent most of my time seperated and alone in my dorm room, and I didn't socialize with very many people. I couldn't deal with who I was. All my life, I had been taught that being gay was disgusting, perverted, and evil. From what I knew, being gay meant that I wanted to be a female. I didn't know how to feel. Needless to say, I failed out of college and came back home embarrassed and ashamed. The excuse I gave my parents was that I partied too much... and they bought it. I still do have loyalties to Aggieland(Texas A&M) and even when I visit the campus, I do remember some of the best things about going there for a year.

So here I was back home, attending Houston Community College at the age of 19. My parents were now divorced and all of my friends were out of town at Universities. This was a situation that only made me feel worse about myself. To be totally honest, I got very close to suicide. I had a strong feeling that everyone would be better off without me since I was already a failure... I'm sure once things got out about me, I would definitely be a failure and a disgrace.

I really don't know what kept me from quitting... it might have been fear of death or the love I had for my family and friends. Whatever it was, things started to go right for me. I got a job at KRBE, a local radio station. Things were going so great. I finally got enough courage to tell one of my best friends, Ankush, about my little secret. The way it happened was weird. He was back in town for spring break and we always went to our Junior High parking lot for him to smoke a cigarette we'd always talk about life. Well, on this occasion, Ankush decided it was time to complain about his on again, off again relationship with his girlfriend. It was so frustrating for me and I finally just exclaimed that he had it easy and that if he really wanted to hear about something worth complaining about, he should ask me. Well, sure enough that's what happened.

Let's just say that he took it so well! I told Brian, my other best friend the next day. I told my coworkers, my other close friends. I then went down the line and told my family... and that wasn't easy. But now that I had done it, said it, where now? I was totally unaware of what it meant to be gay. I just knew I was. My straight friends from work began to drag me out to see the Houston gay scene and I began meeting people. One nightclub I actually enjoyed and ended up getting a job there. It's called Rich's. It was my introduction into the gay scene. It's where I made my first gay friends. In fact, I still know most of them.

Well, I guess I could stick with the in depth details of what has happened since then but it's not that involved... coming out for
me was so uplifting and liberating that everything since doesn't compare. Since those days, I have fallen in love, been hurt, been
hit on, been able to discuss my feelings with friends, joke about myself, and joke about others... all in a way that was totally not
possible before. Not that I changed my personality or my beliefs... but the idea that I could actually say whatever I was thinking instead of having to hold back actually gave me a new take on life. One of the best things is how I have completely changed the view of many of my friends. Now, guys that probably wouldn't have cared if someone told a gay joke, would probably kick someone's ass if they were to even look at me in a threatening way.

I can't claim that everything is perfect now. I watch the news and see that many people just don't understand who I am... yet they still seem to know enough about me to tell me I'm a horrible sinner. My philosophy is that no one is handed a perfect hand. Even the rich, the strong, and my straight friends have problems to deal with... mine are just different. Now I'm back on track with the goals I had when I was 17 and getting ready to graduate from High school. Only difference is that now, I have graduated from college and I won't be marrying a wife in this lifetime.

And Speaking of college, I should say that I will always treasure my time at University of Iowa. Many friends questioned my sanity when I opted to finish my schooling there. It actually wasn't that difficult of a decision. I really needed a place that would allow me to concentrate on school and not bother me with distractions from friends or family. Iowa became a complete surprise for me. I've really become fond of it. The people, the atmosphere, the sense of belonging to something that I was missing. But I am glad to be back home in Texas since I do belong here.

So what have I been up to since graduating from college? Well, I really thought that getting my degree would make everything extremely easy. Basically I felt that everything would fall into place in my life. Well, I quickly found out that I was very mistaken to feel that way. The degree wasn't there to make things perfect for me, it was just the first step and I learned that I was going to have to work for anything that I wanted. So for the longest time, I was trying to find a job that suited my personality and skills. I tried managing a restaurant but realized the money wasn't making me happy. I then went on to open and manage a wonderful nightclub called South Beach in Houston. If you're ever visiting Texas and love badass clubs, you'll have to go check it out. I love the guys I worked with and really had a blast but I still wasn't reaching my potential and felt like I was missing something in this job. SO... I left and spent some time soul searching and trying to find the right job for me. By god, I think I found it. I am now a buyer for a dynamic and thriving company. Not only have I found a career that is challenging and interesting, I also found one that suits my personality. I work with a great group of guys and for the first time in a long while, I look forward to going to work. So, that's where things stand with me now. I love my job, I love my life, I love my friends and family, though I wish I had more time for them. Still, I feel complete and fulfilled in every aspect of my life. And what's awesome is that I recently met a great guy named Eric who is turning out to be more than I could have asked for. He is a perfect compliment to my personality and my life. It couldn't have happenned at a better time since I am proud of the fact that I have loved some great people and that I am more prepared now in my life to be a good partner for someone. So yeah, I'm optomistic, happy-go-lucky and hope everyone is fortunate to feel the same kind of self-realization I have. Hope you had a great day and sorry if I bored you reading this.

This picture is the most recent one I've taken so if you wanna know what I look like now, this is pretty much it. :)

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