Today, I have decided ( or concluded) that I can choose to be happy. So, I am happy. Loneliness is no longer my best friend. If I am busy being happy, I have no time for lonliness. I have been having thots of trying to meet new people, hopefully finding "Ms. Right" in the process. But, I think I am a little too afraid right now, not to mention emotionally unavailable. I ask myself what I'm afraid of..... the answer has to be that there are so many crazie's out there, and I don't need one in my life. Nor do I need to meet another selfish bitch to use me and drain me of all self-respect. If I ever meet another lady like HER, I will know better than to let it happen again. At least I hope I will see it coming. I know I can't wait for all the lights to turn green, or I will never "go". On second thot, maybe I will try to find someone new......

I am such a lonely bitch. I sit here wishing I had someone to talk to, and there is no one but me. Why am I so lonely? The one million dollar question. I wish I had the answer. I think I need a girlfriend, but I am afraid of a broken heart. I think I need to go out and party, but I feel guilty if I leave my children for more than 10 minutes. I think I need some seriously great sex, but when I get the opportunity I don't want it. I can think of a million excuses why I shouldn't take my clothes off with the lights on. All my insecurities keep me from having any fun. Fun? What in the hell is fun? Won't someone please rescue me from this daily hell I live in? Every morning I dread the evening, knowing the depression that comes with nightfall. Do I need to seek prof. help? I can't even tell my closest friend my crazy thoughts for fear of rejection. I just wish I could cease to exist. But, oh yeah, the kids need me. And I was going to be happy this year no matter what. Anybody have any suggestions on where happiness is? And if Mrs. Happiness truly does live inside of me, how do I unlock the door to the her room?

Well, I think I am going to make it. I said I was going to be happy no matter what, and dammit, I'm gonna. Of course I've been thinking of her. THE frigging party is this weekend, and No, I am not going because I don't want to see her. Actually I do want to see her, but don't want all the emotional garbage that will come with it. So, I am going to meet a friend for a drink instead, {thank God for Dreamer, who always listens to me whine} and probably cry over her, wondering who she is dancing with and if she kissed her (among other things) and if she even thot of me for one second. I am trying to think of something to do, maybe take up a new hobby or something, to try and keep my pitiful brain occupied. When I just go through the daily motions, my mind is always on her. I need a challenge. Something to do that will make me really Think. Guess I could spend some time leaning how to make this web page really kewl. *S*

Well, here we are again, at the end of another year. Last year at this time, I stated that I had experienced the worst year of my life and that next year had to be better. Well, I was wrong. This year almost did me in. I experienced the absolute worst heartache I could imagine. The loss of my father was nothing compared to what I have been through. I could bury him 10 more times and it would never compare to the pain I felt when the only person I have ever loved left me out in the cold. I have been through more emotional trauma than I could handle. The thoughts of suicide were sometimes more than I could bear. The feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and worthlessness were also unbearable. Honestly, I don't know how I have made it through. My guardian angels were working overtime. It is good for me to reflect, because I feel a new sense of strength I have never known before. If I can survive the worst heartache of my life, I can survive anything. I have never been one to make New Year's resolutions, but this year will be the exception. I resolve to be happy. To do whatever it takes to be happy. I will never again let another human being make me feel so worthless. I will surround myself with the people I love, and do what I can to make their life better, and in doing so I will find happiness. I will spend valuable time with my children, because in a few years, they will be gone. I will let them know that they are important, and that they are loved, and to never let anyone convince them otherwise. I will grow love and tenderness in my heart, and get rid of all the bitterness and hate, for it will destroy me. I will find happiness deep within my soul. It has been there all along, I just never knew it.

Happy New Year to everyone, I wish you all the happiness you can handle.

I am giving her up for good. I have had enough. Enough crying already. Enough nightmares. Enough depression. It is over. IT IS OVER! I am getting on with my life. She never loved me. So, I've been had. Big deal. It happens to people every day. You get your heart broke and spend months trying to ease the pain. When you realize there is no cure, you start wishing you were dead. My life is valuable and I refuse to let some heartless bitch ruin me. Whoever said, "it is better to have loved and have lost…." LIED. I always wanted to fall in love. To know how it really felt to live your life for someone else. To be "complete". Now that I have experienced that feeling, I am empty without her. I wish I had never met her. At least I would never know what it means to be lonely. Truly lonely. I am going on with my life. I cannot cry anymore. I have no tears left. I have no heart and no soul. I have no love. I gave it all to her. Goodbye forever my love. I will miss you.

Today, I feel like a selfish bitch. I need someone to talk to. Seems like that is all I've been saying lately is " I need, I need". I would reallylike to have someone who understands me and loves me. Someone to listen when I need to boast of my accomplishments, and not be jealous, but be happy for me. Someone who will lend an ear or a shoulder, when I need to talk about HER, the one who ripped out my heart.; and not think that I am a cry baby or a complainer. Someone who just loves me. A "friend". Whatever happened to unconditional love? Does anyone know what that means anymore. Seems like all I ever do is give, give, give. Then lay down my head at night, wishing I had someone to ask me if I need anything. Or if I'm o.k. Guess I am a selfish bitch...... just that I have spent the first 27 years of my life living for someone else, living up to everyone else's expectations, giving up all my dreams. Never having anyone to care about how I feel or what I need. Now, I want to LIVE. I want to be an individual. I am Their mother, and His wife. Who am I? All these things are o.k., but I have a Need to be ME ( here I go, talking about my needs again). I want to dance, to write, to sing... for ME, and no one else..... Guess that's why I have this page. It is all mine. No body elses. Yes, I am selfish. So be it.

I need a girlfriend. Not just a lover, not just a friend. But someone who wants to be both. I need a real womyn lover. Not a damn man pleaser, man lover, man worshipper. I need a girlfriend who has a deep Need to cuddle on the couch with me, spend time with me, and call me up just to see if I'm o.k..... Is this too much to ask ??? Someone just like me ? Does she exist? And if she does, do I Really want her?

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