Patty's Story

I thought I was a male crossdresser. I have been dressing in womans clothes for as long as I can remember.

The furthest back I remember is a time in school when I had an accident in kindergarden, while playing I tore my clothes. The school nurse patched up my cut and replaced my torn clothing. To my shock she had dressed me in "girl clothes."

A while after that incident I found an old Girl Scout Uniform in my Grandmothers cellar storage closet. I wondered if the uniform would fit me so being the curious boy I was I took it out and wore it. I knew right then something had changed me and my life forever.

For years I dressed in hiding I traded clothes with a female cousin one time to see if anyone would know, no one noticed.

I went through my teen years feeling that I was a weirdo. I tried to do all the boy things but was never really happy. I then met "the gay lifestyle" I figured this was what I needed to feel better about myself. WRONG AGAIN. I then met a male to female transsexual, (now here we go I thought to myself.)

I went through the counceling and was told I would be a good canidate for SRS sexual reassignment surgery. I took hormones for two years and developed my female figure and breasts. I then met a woman who changed my feelings again. I married this woman and have been married for 20 years.

I have two wonderful girls a grandaughter and a wife.

I have recently begun to get those old feelings back. I have never stopped loving the feel of womans clothes on my body and have dressed throughout my marrage, (she does not approve of my dressing but understands my need.)

Recently I have began Therapy for the process of SRS and HRT hopefully all will be a smooth transition. Without to many hurt feelings.

Well I have been in therapy now for a month and I am feeling much better about my own insecurities. I have spoken to my Therapiest about almost everything and hope to be on hormones soon.

I am in the process of setting up my support for transition (friends and family) as well as getting myself set to work through the transition. I hope to be able to continue at my present job. I think I will be able to as my boss and I have spoken about the change in my life.

My family situation is not stable at present. My wife is trying to understand why I am doing what I feel I have to do. I am not sure our love will overcome this and fear I will loose a life partner. I did hope we could still be friends and still live together. I am truly sorry for pain I am causing her, and not being able to tell her "I will always be here for you." I will always help her in anyway I can but this may not be enough to keep us as we are.

3-20-96 Today is the day I become a new person I have been to the endo and now have my scrips for hormones. I have also admitted to my wife I want to go on with the change to become a woman. She has asked me to leave my home, and not to have contact with my children.

This is not the way I had planed to end my marrage, but I do need to get on with my life. I am very sad at the prospect of not knowing where I will live, where my family will end up and what life will bring in the future.

4-6-96 Well I have been on hormones for awhile and the effects are slow. I feel different about myself more confident. My home situation is still unchanged. I am in the process of finding an apartment in the local area of Ft. Lauderdale Hollywood.

I have also been looking for a new Endo for the hormones The one I have been using is much to expensive and I know I can do better. I will know Tuesday of this week, my first appointment with the new Endo. At the same time I know have also located a Zapper (eletrolysist) that I feel comfortable with. Well so much for this update Keep in touch.

9-14-96

It has been a while since I added anything to this story and digest. I had hoped everything would be resolved by now. Things are pretty much the same as the last update still in the house with my wife unable to move due to finances. My children are both against my transtiton as well as my wife.

November 27,1996

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past few months. Things are not good. My wife and I went to California for a vacation. There she told me to rid myself of my problem. To save the situation I had to dump all of my female clothing. This week my 19 yr old daughter and grandaughter moved back into my home, this caused me to be back in boymode (my daughter hates my TSness) on a regular basis. I am out of mones and it looks like I will be off them for a long time. I cannot afford the doctor to to do the tests he requires for the hormones. I have been on the mones before and the tests still come back ok. I am now looking for an alternitive to get the hormones so I can continue my transition. I now have My both daughters my grandaughter a wife and a female dog living with me, why can't I just be me ? I am just about ready to stand on I95 with a sign that reads "Will work for Mones"

April 20th 1997 Well it's been a long time since I took a few moments to fall back and think over the past few months. I am on herbal hormones without much result. I do feel beter with them. My Daughter moved out to Arkansas, with my two grandchildren. I do hope she will do well. I am out of sorts since she left (missing them). I still plug away doing my job dreaming of the day when I can truly be who I am mind and body. I have stopped the support group due to time restrictions. I guess all things considered Things could be a lot worst.

July 20, 1997 Well things for me are on hold. I am no longer able to afford my doctor to get the Hormones. I still am living in my home with my wife and younger daughter. I feel like I am in a bad Twlight Zone Movie. Half Man Half Woman. My olderdaughter the one in Arkansas is now wanting to join the Army. She wants us to take the children during boot camp which I would love to do. I think We will have them which would place further restrictions on me. Just what do they expect of me. I now think that I just have to dissappear from everyone and everything, and realign me to get to where I feel comfortable with myself again.

August 1997 This has been a wirlwind of a month for me Nothing new on the for me and my change, I am still in a holding patern. My wife however is the real thing this month she has had surgery to remove her thyroid, they found cancer and she will need further treatments. My daughter the older one in arkansas has now created a webpage. She is doing fine and both My Grandaughter and Grandson as well. I am ok and one day hope to continue my trek towards womanhood but for now time will have to wait.