by
Juliette Aislinn Keegan
DISCLAIMER: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer do not belong to me. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the funky sand dollar.
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“I’m so sorry, Xander. I just couldn’t face you after what happened. I felt so ashamed.” Cordelia was sobbing, her head in her hands. Despite the pain she’d put Xander through, he still had the urge to take her in his arms and hold her, to let her know everything would be all right. But when he went to touch her shoulder for comfort, she flinched.
“Can’t even bear for me to touch you, can you?” Xander’s voice was bitter. “Maybe it was a good thing you ran off. If this is any indication, our wedding night would have been a bitch.”
Cordelia simply kept sobbing. She’d pretty much been like that since Xander came home to find her on the doorstep of his apartment. He’d come home late from slaying vampires with the gang--his job being to hang back with Willow and cheer Buffy on--and he’s seen the curled up figure on his doorstep. It was a vision he wasn’t entirely convinced was real. And he wasn’t sure how to react. He’d run through this moment so many times in his head, so many different scenarios. Would his beloved Cordy be insolent or beg him to take her back? What would he do? In the first week she was gone, he was so mad that he wanted to slam the door in her face if she ever returned. He’d done even better and called a locksmith to change the apartments’ locks. That week was full of fantasies where she came back, trying to get back into his life, but couldn’t even get into the apartment. He would sit there and laugh maniacally at her poor pathetic attempts. About a month after her disappearance, his dreams evened out so that only half the time were they revengeful and the other half understanding. Xander found that the latter were more painful because he would blame himself for either not being the man she needed or not being smart enough to see her flight coming. Every night, he dreamt of reasons why she might have left. He tried to imagine what could have driven her away...and he hoped it wasn’t him. In the more torturous dreams, he dreamed that his beloved Cordy had reverted back to that Queen C persona from high school. He dreamed that Harmony or one of her other old friends had reminded her that he was just some dorky loser who wasn’t worth the time of day. When she agreed with them, he’d wake abruptly, his pillow wet with tears. And at some point, he stopped believing he’d ever see her again and he slowly stopped caring. He stopped wondering why she’d left, because the pain was too much. That part of his brain...and his heart shut down.
On occasion, he thought he saw her, but instead of running up to the innocent brunettes and scaring them out their mind, he would stand back and watch them until they turned around and he saw they weren’t Cordelia. So when he saw her by his door, he was sure it was just another delusion. But this delusion was whimpering on his welcome mat. And when the delusion heard him step out of the elevator, she’d looked up at him. He’d expected any second to realize it wasn’t her, but that second never came.
It really was Cordelia sitting there.
They had stared at each other for a long time, not saying a word. Finally, Xander coldly invited Cordelia inside. He’d dropped his bag of stakes in the closet and sat in the armchair, waiting for answers to his 10-year-old questions. “So, stopping by for a friendly little visit? Does everyone else know you’re here, or did you finally decide to tell me something first?” he asked.
Cordelia had flinched, tears spilling down her cheeks.
So now she was here on his couch, crying and trying to explain.
“I couldn’t face you. I couldn’t breathe. I hurt so much.”
“You hurt? You hurt?! What about what you did to me? You left me standing at the altar for a half an hour in front of this entire town. Fuck that. You took my heart and stomped on it. I don’t care if I was humiliated. Big deal. I cared that the woman I loved, obviously didn’t love me back. So don’t tell me *you* hurt.”
“You don’t understand--,” began Cordelia.
“Then make me understand! Just tell me what the fuck happened. Why did you disappear on me? You were fine at the rehearsal. What in God’s name happened in 24 hours? What changed?” Xander waited quietly, if not patiently, with the question hanging in the air.
After taking several deep breaths to hold back her tears, the words finally tumbled out of her mouth. “That night, I went to the store to do some last-minute shopping for the honeymoon. I was so excited that I wasn’t paying attention... Heck, I can fight demons now. I can fight vampires. But I forgot that there are worse things out there. I forgot that there are human monsters.” Cordelia had to stop and breathe. She pulled out a tissue and blew her nose. “I was walking back to my car in the parking lot when I got attacked. I tried to fight him off but he was too strong. Instead of vampire teeth in my neck, I had a gun held to my head. I didn’t even know how to fight back. Wooden stakes, crosses, and holy water only do so much. And they wouldn’t have done much here,” Cordelia laughed harshly. When she spoke again, her voice was very soft. “If only he had killed me. It would have been much kinder.”
“What you couldn’t bear to be robbed of your credit cards? Your money? And so you left me. How fucking shallow can you be, Cordy?” Xander shouted, fearing that his worst nightmares had come true.
Cordelia stood up at the verbal assault. She didn’t need this, she thought to herself. It had been a mistake to try and explain. She felt like she was being attacked all over again, but this time she wasn’t going to let it happen. She screamed at him, “Fuck you, Xander. He didn’t take my credit cards, you asshole. He raped me. He took me and violated me.” Cordelia’s sobs started up again as she sank back onto the couch. “He stole what was supposed to be the best day of my life--no, our life and he--,” her voice faltered. “He took our dreams and destroyed them--” This time, the sobs overtook her so that she couldn’t continue.
Xander was shocked to his core. He had never imagined this kind of thing, that she might have been hurt like this. “Oh God, Cordy, are you all right?” He moved to the spot on the couch next to her and tried to take her in his arms, but she jumped up and away from his touch.
“What do you think?” she yelled. “No, I’m not okay. How much time has gone by and I still can’t let anyone touch me. I have had nightmares every night for the last ten years. I *still* feel dirty and ashamed. I take so many showers that my water bill is higher than my rent.” Cordelia stared at Xander, her voice quieting somewhat, “I thought loving you would take care of all the problems in the world, like it always had. I mean, it got me through an empty life with my parents. It gave me the ability to be a real person and not just some cheerleading snob. It kept me going when I had nothing and couldn’t even afford that prom dress. And it kept me going when I was struggling in L.A. all alone. But it couldn’t save me from that...that man.” Cordelia almost choked on her tears, as she slowly sank to the floor and drew her legs up to her chin, arms wrapped around them.
Xander had to hold on to the edge of the couch to keep from rushing to her side and taking her in his arms. She’d left once and he didn’t think he could bear it if she left again. So he moved no closer than the floor by the couch and tried to comfort her from there. “Oh God, sweetie, I wish I could have been there to protect you. I wish I could turn back time and demand that I go with you to that mall or...or distract you with kisses until the stores closed so that a trip would be pointless. Then it would never have happened. But I wish more than anything that I could have been there for you afterwards. It kills me that you had to go through so much alone and I couldn’t help you.” Xander’s voice caught in his throat. “And you shouldn’t feel ashamed. You didn’t do anything to deserve what that bastard did to you and I wish to God I could hunt him down and pay him back for every ounce of pain and agony you’ve gone through.” Xander was starting to break down himself now. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “You know, I would have still loved you. Even if you couldn’t bear to touch me or be touched by me, I still would have loved you. I would have still married you if you let me. I would have understood,” he corrected himself, “No, I do understand. But Cordy, if I couldn’t be there for you ten years ago, let me be here for you now. Let me try and help you. Let me love you.” Xander held out a hand to Cordelia, tears now streaming down his face as well.
She looked up at his outstretched hand, hesitating. Despite everything she had done to him, leaving him at the altar with no explanation and then showing up on his doorstep ten years later, he was still willing to love her. He did love her. While Cordelia was afraid of the actual contact, she so desperately needed the support that she pushed her fears aside and crawled to Xander who took her in his arms and rocked her back and forth.
They both cried as they rocked. They cried for the rape. They cried for the shame Cordelia had felt. And they cried for the ten long, lonely years without each other. When they had cried every tear possible, they stayed as they were, just holding on to one another.
Cordelia broke the silence softly, “I don’t want to hurt anymore, Xander. Will you help me?”
Her tone was so uncertain that Xander shifted so that he was looking straight into her eyes. He wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and reassured her, “Cordy, sweetie, I’m here for you and I always will be. You just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Her words of gratitude were muffled as she went back into his protective embrace.
Xander sat in the rocking chair, watching the moonlight stream in through the window. It danced upon Cordelia’s sleeping form as it illuminated the room. The sight of her sleeping peacefully was a balm to his heart. He felt like he could die content right then and there...except that would take him from his beloved and ten years apart had been too long. He never wanted to stray from her side again.
He sighed. In most of his dreams and nightmares, he had not forgiven Cordelia. When he did, it was after a long time of penance to make up for the pain he’d endured over the ten years. But that’s not what happened. The moment she’d accepted his hand, he’d forgiven her for everything. He realized that as much pain as he’d felt, she’d felt more. Yes, he’d been left at the altar. Yes, he’d been deserted with not a word for ten years. But he didn’t think that came close to being as bad as what she’d gone through. She’d been raped. And it had happened the night before her wedding. Her very sense of self and control had been violently stripped away. And she had blamed herself...for ten years, with no one to support her. He may have hurt, but at least he had a support network, friends who were only a few minutes away. So even the thought of not forgiving her, not understanding had been dismissed almost immediately.
Nonetheless, the last few months had not been easy. Cordelia was no longer the vibrant woman she had been before. The rape hadn’t caused as much physical damage as mental and emotional damage, but Cordelia’s weekly trips to a psychiatrist and a support group had been helping. The two of them had even considered some kind of group counseling, so that he might know better how to help her. And slowly but surely, Cordelia was healing. The nightmares had trickled down in number. Instead of every night, they were now rare occurrences. And whenever she started whimpering, he was at her side in an instant, whispering words of comfort to her and stroking her hair until she either calmed and returned to deep slumber or awoke and cried in his arms. He desperately wanted to hold her all night long so he could protect her from her nightmares, but she wasn’t ready for that much physical contact quite yet. And he couldn’t keep out the demons that came from inside her mind. So he was more than willing to watch her sleep from the nearby rocking chair.
His sigh was one of contentment as his eyelids became heavy. His breath had slowed and he was heading to his own dreamland when Cordelia stirred, a moan erupting from her lips. In an instant, he was awake and at her side. “Shhh, Cordy, everything’s fine, sweetie. You’re here with me. You’re safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.” Xander’s soft words continued and gradually, Cordelia awoke from her dreams, the relief of seeing him sketched across her face.
She turned onto her side and took his free hand in hers, holding it to her cheek. She lightly kissed his hand and said, “Xander, I’m so glad you’re here. I don’t know how I would have continued without you. Do you have any idea how much I love you?”
His heart swelled as it did every time she said those three beautiful words. “Yes, because I love you just as much.” Cordelia sat up, her loose hair falling to her shoulders and motioned him to sit down next to her. Once there, she leaned forward and kissed him lightly on his lips. He made no protest and let her take the lead. Her lips parted as she deepened the kiss slowly, taking his lower lip between her own. They took turns nibbling on each other’s lips until Cordy’s tongue found Xander’s. It had been ten years since they last kissed, but neither had forgotten. Back in high school, their kisses had been fast and furious, tongues dueling for domination, hands roaming all over. This one remained languid and slow, caressing hands only creeping to each other’s faces, trying to make the moment last. After several minutes, Cordelia pulled away slowly, her cheeks flushed. Xander searched her eyes, looking for some reassurance that she was okay. Not only did he find that, but also that spark of life in her eyes, a spark he hadn’t seen since the rehearsal dinner so many years ago.
The silence in the room was broken only by their uneven breathing. They stared into each other’s eyes, drinking in the sight of each other. Xander spoke first as he pushed a stray hair back from her face, “Cor, sweetie, you’re okay, right?”
“Yes, I’m okay,” she whispered. “You know, I-I’ve missed that.”
“I have too,” Xander admitted, “but I don’t want to push you or do anything to make you uncomfortable. I know the Xander you knew ten years was still as horny as a teenager, but I’ve grown up. If you are never ready to go any farther, I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to do what you’re not ready for. I--”
Cordelia cut him off, “Xander, sweetie, I know. Don’t worry, I know.” She paused for a moment, biting her lower lip lightly. “I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a few days now...would you hold me? I mean, while we sleep...in the bed?”
Xander’s heart skipped a beat. “Not a problem, Cordy. Not a problem at all.”
Cordelia scooted over to the other side of the bed to give Xander some space. When he’d settled in comfortably, she moved back over and lay her head against his chest, his protective arms wrapping around her. She fell asleep listening to his heartbeat, feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath. Xander stayed awake for only a little while longer, relishing the feel of his love curled up in his arms again. As he was falling asleep again, he mumbled, “Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay...”