Do Over!

First a personal note:
Thank you, Carl. I'm not sure if you even realize what it meant to me when you brought up the frozen daquiri. It was possibly the highlight of my evening, or at least the simplest highlight. I really enjoyed meeting you and Sandy over the summer and I've heard so many wonderful things about you, that to have your approval meant and still does mean a lot to me. And you see, I've realized lately, that I've begun to feel out of place at Salem recently. I feel like the stereotypical ex who shows up at the in-laws' barbecue--no one wants to talk to them because they don't know what to say. I used to feel like any of these people were or would be my friends as well. I used to feel like Salem was becoming kind of a home to me. I felt so comfortable there, but not this semester. And this weekend, it was even worse and understandably so. But with one sentence, you helped change that. You helped make Salem seem like a friendlier place again. I wish we could have chatted more, but I'm sure we'll get another chance to do that. Until then, thank you. Thank you so much.

Now onto a less happy subject:
I got to meet the new girl on Thursday night. Don't get me wrong! I'm sure that she's a really nice girl and under any other circumstances, we'd get along great. But just not these...

So, you know how much it sucks and hurts to think of the one you love dating other people? Well, let me tell you, it sucks even worse to see it.

For those of you who didn't know (and that would be most of you 'cause I wanted it to be a surprise), I went to see the opening night performance of the play. After the show, my ex-gf introduced me to the girl she's currently interested in, shall we say, who didn't realize I was THE Melissa. That was less than wondrous, especially watching her stay all close to my ex. Oh, for a moment, I so wanted to knock her ass to the floor! Nothing personal against her, but she had her hand on my ex's waist... Argh! But anyway that was somewhat distressing.

So earlier tonight (Friday night), I saw the girl a lot more. Jake and I met up with Kate and her friend to see the play. We met up with the girl in the theatre. Honestly, I wanted to want to talk to her. If we'd had a conversation topic, I think I would have. Just random inane stuff, probably. And I don't know what the purpose or the point would have been. Maybe I wanted to see what it was that drew my ex to her. See if she was better for her than I was.

I keep talking about this inner conflict between the urge to challenge the girl to a duel for the affection of the woman I love and the urge to challenge her to prove that she's good enough. This is not a case of "If I can't have her, no one can". I would never dream of doing that! Instead it's more of a feeling that I can be noble. If this girl is better for her or can make her happier than I can, whether temporarily or permanently, I will stay out of the way. I will do the right thing. (I just need someone to tell me when to do the right thing, if that is the right thing to do.)

Anyway, back to the story at hand. The way it ended up, I was by the aisle, then it was Jake, Kate's friend, and Kate. They noticed the girl and invited her over. She popped over the chairs, I think (the kind of thing that I would normally do) and so ended up on Kate's free side. So it was really difficult to even have random conversation with her, not that I tried that hard. After the show, we all went out to the lobby to wait for the woman of the hour to appear from backstage. There Carl joined us. Jake and I said hi to him and he recognized us both which was nice. But I really felt like I was an extra in the movie, had no place, no real ties, like I was just taking up space. And I kept wondering what would happen when she came out. Who would get the longer hug? Who would get that amazing smile that says, "I'm SOOOO happy that you're here!"? I bet we were all a little uncomfortable, so I tried to stay out of the way, stare at the pictures on the wall, and keep my eyes dry.

So anyway, once she appeared we all decided to go to Denny's, a whole bunch of us. I thought I would be okay. I figured that if not left to my own devices, I'd be happy, I'd be able to pull it together, and at least put up a front of happy and bubbly personality.

I probably shouldn't have gone, but I was starving. Once there, I realized that I haven't been to a Denny's without her since before I met her. So to not be the one sitting next to her... :-( And heck, just going there, to not be the one sitting in the front seat of her car...

But I'm jumping ahead. On the way to Jake's car to drive to Denny's, it finally got to be too much...so he drove slowly so that I had time to dry my eyes so that she wouldn't be able to tell I'd been crying.

So we all went to Denny's. The visiting and hungrier half of us got there first and ordered. Soon the other half arrived. I was mostly okay, though I had to ignore the two of them a few times because I thought I was gonna lose control in the restaurant...either I was gonna start sobbing into my pancakes or I was gonna choke on them. I don't even remember what prompted most of these teary moments. I just know that only twice was I contemplating the possibility of escaping...wondering if I could get out of the booth and head to the bathroom or the outdoors without drawing attention to myself, should I need to. (Unfortunately, I was locked in by Jake, so it wasn't possible.) One of those moments was when the girl was talking about Michelle Branch and how she absolutely adores her and I had to do some serious blinking and staring at my food to compose myself...'cause not only do I love Michelle Branch (I've actually worn out my Michelle Branch CD!), but her song "Everywhere" is one of our songs. And I wanted to say to the girl, "You've already taken my ex-girlfriend. You can't have our songs too!" The second moment of escape I don't remember as well. In fact, I don't even know how to explain it and still make sense. I just remember the girl saying that people think "we're a good couple" and I'm not sure if she was referring to her and my ex, or one of them and Carl...there's a whole back story behind it that would take too long to explain. And in any case, it was more the words themselves added into my feeling of not belonging. I mean, the girl is a Salem person, one of the things that I can't be. Plus, all of the friends up at Salem, who are they gonna stand by and support a relationship with? One of their own or somebody who they've met a few times?

All in all, it sucked. And there was nothing my poor sweetie could do about it. I mean, what was she gonna do? Turn to the girl and say, "Shut your mouth! Can't you tell Melissa's already upset?" Or maybe announce to the table, "Excuse me, everyone, but could you be extra nice to Melissa, 'cause she's about to cry." There was nothing she could do without drawing attention to me and my misery. But honestly, I feel bad because I didn't realize how bad being at Denny's was gonna make me feel. If I had just thought a little harder, been a little more sensible, I would have claimed exhaustion or something and backed out of it. Things would have been so much easier for everyone involved. But as sensible as I try to be, I fail at it quite often. :-) I also wish that I had tried harder to be friendly. I wish I hadn't let the awkwardness get to me. I should have given myself a pep talk or something. And in general I need to work on dealing with awkward situations better. I get lost. I don't know how to fake happiness all the time. *sighs* I wish I could have done things differently...from the start of the evening.

I don't know why I did the things I did
I don't know why I said the things I said
Pride's like a knife, it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes

Could I just call "Do over!" and restart the game, I mean the evening?

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way