Changes

It's time for some inane entries...some random entries...'cause I need to take a slight break from exposing my every thought and feeling on these pages. Too many people read this. And for the most part, I don't mind. So for my friend at work, don't worry, I truly don't mind that you've "stumbled" across my site. God knows, I confide in you about almost everything that goes into these pages anyway. And my other friends, I don't mind you reading these pages. I've kept a lot of you in mind when composing my thoughts. And most importantly, to my sweetie (well, technically, ex-sweetie, but you know who you are) I don't mind you reading these pages at all. On the contrary, I want you to know what is going through my crazy brain.

But things have changed. (It could have been the combination of Fruit Punch Gatorade and Doritos...you never know...) I didn't even realize how I felt until this afternoon while driving home. I didn't know how to describe the feelings in me. Now I do. It's no one's fault, so I don't want anyone feeling guilty. But this journal is too exposed now. So for a little while, I'm gonna avoid putting some of my more personal emotions up here. I'll focus on putting up my older entries for awhile and putting up random newer entries.

Having said that...

I've had a surprising number of people ask me what I classify myself as these days. Some are people I haven't talked to in months and some are people I talk to daily. And honestly, I don't know where my sexual orientation falls on the proverbial scale. I still don't think I qualify as lesbian since there are still a handful of guys that I find attractive... David Boreanaz, James Marsters, Stuart Townsend, Kevin Smith (of Xena and Hercules fame, not Silent Bob...), Bruce Campbell (also of Xena/Hercules fame), a guy who worked at the store for like 2 weeks but now he's working over at the mall, and as of last week or so, The Rock. (Normally, I'm not into muscle-bound men, but he sounded so intelligent and sweet and charming on The Tonight Show, that I couldn't help it. He suddenly became yummy.) So many of you are probably noticing a trend...most of these guys I don't actually know and honestly, I probably wouldn't like them in reality. But in any case, men aren't 100% off the list of possibilities.

Now obviously, I'm definitely not straight. I have known that much for over five years now. But I don't know if I quite fit in with the bisexual crowd either. Like I was saying on Sunday morning, I feel like not only do I not fit in with the straight girls or the lesbian girls, but I don't fit in with the bisexual girls either. I feel like I'm so far over on the scale that to call myself bi seems almost dishonest.

Interestingly enough, when I fell in love with a woman this past summer, I never took gender into consideration when thinking about it. I mean, it seemed inconsequential (if that's the right word). I don't remember thinking, "Oh, a woman. Good, I can fall for her." (Hell, if anything, it was, "Wow. I like her. I want to get to know her better. I want to spend time with her. Oh no, wait. I can't fall for anyone. I suck at relationships. This is a bad idea. Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to dress especially carefully and nicely to go see 'Evolution'...just 'cause I know I'll see her doesn't mean anything...") *grins* (Okay, and all of you from the Woburn and Everett/Quincy areas can stop laughing at me now.) :-P

Who do I'll end up with? I'm not 100% sure, but probably with a woman. I mean, I just can't imagine finding that peace and completeness with any guy. And honestly, one of the most touching things anyone has said to me was when my best friend told me last summer that she was convinced I was gonna end up with a woman, if anyone. I don't know how to describe the happy feeling that gave me. Maybe it's because I really felt accepted for who I was at that moment. But I guess that's what best friends are for.

So the answer? I don't know. I honestly don't know. If anyone's got any suggestions, advice, I'm always willing to listen.