You'd Think I'd Have Learned By Now...

It amazes me that still, after all these years, after all these times of convincing myself that I'd suddenly change things, that I'd suddenly do everything right, and failing miserably at this...that despite my track record, I can still stand in front of the mirror, look myself in the eye, and actually believe that things will magically change. That I'll suddenly start living up to that goddamned potential I've been told about my whole friggin' life.

What's even funnier is that I do this on a regular basis. I remember thinking it last Wednesday night as I drove around the Drum Hill Rotary. I thought to myself, "I need to be on time to work tomorrow. In fact, I'm going to be early tomorrow!" And of course, I was late. (Though I did get up earlier than usual and tried so hard to leave my house.)

And I did again, not more than fifteen minutes ago. I looked myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror and thought that if I just try hard enough, if I just want it bad enough, I can be on time to work.

But how is this morning going to be any different than any other morning? I mean, I've been late to every job and class I may have ever been to. I wish there was some way to explain this to my employers and professors. Some of them do understand (and are nice to me and lenient with me and give me warnings--which I do appreciate by the way!), but some of them continue to think that if they just write me up enough times, I'll start caring more and start coming in on time. They don't seem to realize that I don't start caring more, I just stress out more. Which doesn't do me any good.

Well, I need to go to bed now. It's way too late and I've got to be on time to work in a few hours. Wish me luck...