Needing Another Drive

Tuesday, November 12, 2002 (7:22pm)

What a day...let me start with the bad stuff so that I can end on the good stuff...even though my day didn't work in that order. :-)

So I was part of a meeting at work today with the other leads. We got together to discuss how we felt that we deserved more respect from the store manager, in this case, how it involved the schedule. Now, I have tried to give this new manager a fair chance. I don't want to compare her to the old manager because that's not right. But she's not making many friends amongst the leads. She tried to play the martyr card today...the "I work so hard. You just don't understand. Woe is me." But what really aggravated me is when she told us that the way we're getting treated is all part of retail and if we can't deal with that then we're in the wrong business. But you know what? I hate retail. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in it. But I liked my store because it was different. It wasn't the usual crap. So to be told that what I liked most is gone, that this is gonna deteriorate into the same old retail bullshit...I'm getting close to done. I will continue through Christmas but by spring, I think I hope to be in a new job. Because I am not happy at the store anymore, which sucks because I love most of the people there, both managers and non-managers alike.

This trouble with my job is part of what was getting to me last night...it got me on a where am I going with my life track. So when I had to leave my house after getting home so that I could return my blockbuster videos, I decided to just keep driving. I was wide awake after having played quite a few good games of Bullshit at Bickfords. And I had a full tank of gas. So I rolled down the window a little bit, got on 495 South, started driving, and kept going. I turned on my Buffy cd nice and loud and sang into the night. Oh it was so good. In fact, I love Massachusetts for having roads that go in circles. 'Cause I can't just drive because I'd get lost. But with roads like 495, I just go on and kept going and didn't have to turn around and come back. Instead I ended up back where I'd started. Anyway, I ignored my phone (and I apologize to anyone who was worried) except for Jake because I had told him if he needed to talk while driving back to Maine, to call. So I didn't turn the phone entirely off like I wanted to...though after I knew he was home, I ignored him too. And if anyone's prepared to give me crap for disappearing for a few hours, my main defense is gonna be: But it worked. It made me feel better. It actually made me feel really, really good. And if I'd gone straight home after Blockbuster, I wouldn't have been better. I would have succumbed to feeling sorry for myself.

So it's now 12:48am and I was just talking to Jamie to keep her awake and we've gotten disconnected twice and it's just given me a new perspective on things. 'Cause her eyes keep closing and that's scaring the shit out of me. So I can now imagine what she and Rachel were thinking last night. And I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Last night, all I was thinking was that I knew I was okay and I didn't want to say to anyone, "I don't want to talk. Leave me alone." Because I knew it wouldn't go over well and just 'cause I was in a bad place didn't mean I needed to put anyone else in one. But I promise that next time I get the mass callings, I will answer the phone or at least respond as soon as I get the voicemail. You've got my word.

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