Being bi

Too bent to be straight,
too straight to be gay?

I was a late bloomer; didn't know what I was until age 18 or so, and even then
it took me about two years to figure out what it was all about and
to accept myself the way I am – as a bisexual girl/woman.

I still haven't come out to everyone, but I'm getting there...
and while I'm doing that, I figured I might as well spread the word about
bisexuality, to help reducing prejudices and to find out more myself.

About bisexual identity

Some people believe that a person is born straight, gay or bi and that this identity can't be changed. Others say it's a social, learned thing or a conscious choice. Some people think that all these factors interact. However, as people are different, so is their sexuality – it's always unique.

Bisexuality, just as homosexuality or heterosexuality can be a passing stage in a person's search for identity. It can also be a stable, "finished" thing. Finding one's bisexual identity will solve problems, but as far as relationships go, new problems may arise.

I can safely say I've found my identity – the problem at the moment seems to be other people, mainly the straight ones who can't or won't understand bis or gays. They are the ones who a lot of the time dare not (or can not as they've learned to be that way) break the norm.

Misconceptions about bisexuality

Being bi = undecided.: Some bisexuals need relationships with both genders to be fully happy and satisfied with their lives; most, however, only have relationships with one.
Bisexuals will go after "anything that moves".: See above. Saying bisexuals would go after everyone would be as idiotic as saying a straight woman would go after any man.
Bisexuality is rare.: Many people who appear to be either straight or gay, are, in fact, bi. Because most bisexuals stick to one kind of partner, they often seem invisible to others.
Bi women would just love to have a threesome with a straight/bi-curious couple.: (*groan*) Oh OK, I'm sure some do... but even though some of us would love to have a relationship with both genders at the same time, it doesn't mean they'd like a threesome in bed! Sorry, guys, but this seems to be especially a male fantasy, and one that makes me angry.

Bisexuals in the society

Because heterosexism prevails in today's society, many bisexuals suppress their interest towards same-sex relationships. They are oppressed and discriminated against – the same way as homosexuals – for not fitting into the traditional norms of sexual behaviour.

Similarly, homosexuals tend to think bisexuals as mere experimenters or even traitors, because they don't necessarily fit the usual homosexual norm either. Is it a wonder, then, that bis are invisible?

About ethics, or, Live and let live

The key to successful relationships is to first know and respect one's own identity, feelings, and needs. Once you are comfortable with what you are, can you start building a satisfactory relationship with another person. Naturally, this goes for everyone – not just bis. If you demand something for yourself, you must allow the same for your partner.

If one needs both genders at the same time, it is vital to the relationship that all parties accept the situation and can talk about things together, otherwise big problems will arise!

As the humorist Mary Dugger wrote in her book The History of Lesbian Hair,

"...If you've ever spent untold torturous hours wrestling a lover away from her not-quite-ex-girlfriend, simply imagine the drama of recreating those memorable moments with a not-quite-ex-boyfriend."

When it comes to a serious relationship, I'm strictly a one-person woman who prefers women ...although if a really fab guy turns up :-) I won't hesitate. But so far... *shrug*

But why...?

Some people ask me, why do I choose to prefer women over men. I don't. It's not a matter of choice – I do like men but feel more drawn toward women, simple as that. I might as well be asking straight people why they choose to be that way...

That said, it's fairly easy for me to list some things that make me feel more comfortable around women than men. This is a very generalized personal opinion – so I'm cutting corners here; sue me ;-P

Only a woman can completely relate to how another woman feels – even though sometimes even that is hard... (I assume that goes for m/m relationships as well)
Generally, women are cleaner than men (ever kissed a guy and found out he hasn't brushed his teeth? Ick!)
Women are able, and more often than not, willing, to stop at kissing and cuddling – it doesn't have to lead to intercourse
For women, sex is more than "merely" intercourse – much more

I could go on... but I'd better not ;-)

Should a bisexual person come out even if he/she isn't in a same-sex relationship?

This depends completely on the situation and the person. I think it would make a lot of things easier, if everyone were out about their bisexuality – less hassle, less explaining, and more acceptance.

But hey, if you know you're bi, live in a less-than tolerant atmosphere, and prefer the opposite sex – it isn't necessary. In fact, staying in the closet at that point would be a smart thing to do.

I came out to a couple of friends at first, when there was talk of being bi... and when they said they were bi, too. It took about a year from that before I came out to anyone else, and when I did, I had more experience and knowledge about bisexuality.

Where to find information or people who think alike

Now this is a tough one if you live in a community where everyone knows everyone else and people who are "too" different aren't really approved of.

But if you're here, you've probably already found a great resource: the Internet! There are lots of useful web pages out here. You can find articles on just about every aspect of sexuality, as well as personal homepages of people like you. Go to the next page to see my bi-related links.

Don't forget to look up your local gay/les/bi organization! Call their office and find out about meetings and events. (If you're interested in the bar scene, ask the organization or find a restaurant guide.)

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night.
– Woody Allen

Looking for further reading and the fun stuff? This way!

Selected ramblings, part 1: A bit of personal history
page 2
page 3
page 4
page 5
page 6
And no, this is not a blog, weblog or some such thing! This is a selected diary – stuff about being a bi-dyke. No day-to-day ramblings. I only update when something important enough happens.

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