Selected ramblings

History: bits and pieces from my diary, page 2

page 1
page 3
page 4
page 5
page 6
page 7

Getting a life

The list meeting was in January 1997 and it was held at a list-member's home. My parents were conveniently away, so I didn't have to explain anything.

It turned out to be a very nice little party, although I was petrified at first – after all, I didn't really know anyone there. A got me to relax, though, as did the whole atmosphere of the party. I had a great time, but when the people left and went to one of the clubs, I didn't follow.

After the party, I and A met several times; we were fast becoming friends and I had nothing against it. Sure, she was a lot younger than I, but that didn't really matter – she knew so much more about certain things that I looked up to her.

We had a good time together, but my parents weren't too pleased when they heard she was gay. I defended her fiercely, trying to make them see beyond her sexuality... and trying to make them understand she was my friend.

October 19th, 1997 was another turning point. That's when I got my first taste of IRC... and needless to say, I was hooked. Two days later, I'd downloaded Pirch32 and learned to use it. Didn't take me long to make some chatting buddies at a women-only channel – and to learn a lot more about all things bi :-)

But again I let my heart lead me... and all rationality flew out the window. I fell for someone on-line; now how stupid can you get? We lived on the opposite sides of the earth, and although I kept telling myself it would never work, I went right ahead. It lasted all of six months... We were planning to meet, so we could make sure "this was it", and I was even prepared (if the meeting had gone OK) to move away. I was dead serious. She wasn't.

One summer day I got an e-mail in which she said she couldn't handle a long-distance relationship. A week later I found out she had a "real life" girlfriend, closer to home. The weird thing about this is that the weekend the "Dear John" mail arrived I was away... but something happened.

'...I felt even worse than usually on the first or second day, so after tossing and turning for quite some time I got out of bed, carefully so as not to wake up A, and went out. Sat down on the stoop and looked out to the sea. The night was beautiful, it was light out and fairly warm. A's dog was sleeping in the big cottage, but she came out too, after I'd been sitting there for maybe half an hour. I suppose she just checked up on me – she didn't stay by the stoop. I wrapped my arms around my knees and wondered what was wrong with me. I just felt so miserable. I missed S and the rest of my chatting buddies, and wished someone was there with me – even A.

'I got up to get back in, but had to sit down again – found I was temporarily blinded. Did my Niagara Falls impression on the stoop, as quietly as possible (good thing I had a couple of paper hankies in my nightshirt pocket), and once it was over, went back inside. I was petrified; there was something I wanted to do but I wasn't sure how A would react. I must have hesitated there for at least 10 minutes before I woke her up.

'She wasn't angry, didn't even seem annoyed... but maybe that's because she was half-asleep when she said, "OK, sure... wait a sec..."

'She took her covers along, climbed out of her bed, and into mine. I apologized for the inconvenience but she pretty much dismissed it and held the covers for me... I climbed in, wrapped my arms around her and laid my head somewhere out of sight, my forehead against her chest (didn't want her to see my eyes). And then I finally slept.'

Aggressive? Who, me?

1998 and on

Summer 1998:

'...their playfulness was contagious so naturally, I went along. Last day and all; of course they were that way. That gave me a good excuse to tell her I wanted to try it too. I really did, although most of the other things I said weren't said in earnest – I was just playing along.

After the kids had been put to bed, we stayed, chatting, playing, some still eating or drinking tea. The noise was winding down and we'd started gathering into smaller groups. The biggest one went off to one side, to have a smoke, so C and I went to that direction, too... but stayed behind and snuck away into the shade of some junipers. It was dark elsewhere, too, but this spot seemed even darker.

I don't know about her, but I was very nervous... and nearly backed out. Somehow, she managed to calm me down (I don't remember how – my memory seems to be rather blank until that moment) and I kissed her... or maybe she kissed me. I do remember how it felt (ohh my... :-} I sure do) and I remember that I tried to be as "good" as possible; to make her feel as good as she'd made me... and not to get carried away. I guess I succeeded because she seemed happy... and didn't bolt.

The rest of the evening was spent in the company of others, although we got some time alone, too... We did sit quite close to one another (and I enjoyed every second), but I don't think anyone thought it odd. At least I don't remember getting any odd looks from the others.

The night was chilly, and we were joking about sleeping together. I would have loved to sleep with her but I was sure she already had company (this was not the case as I found out the following day).

On the way home, I sat with her... and hardly could keep my hands off her. Actually, I couldn't – but I managed to behave myself and only held her hand. Went on flirting, telling jokes, having a good time... and now we did get some odd looks from the others. I didn't really care; I was sure I wouldn't see her too soon again.'

C and I met several times that autumn. The first time, and I think most of the other ones, were initiated by her. Can't really remember – I was pretty confused again... The first time she phoned me, I nearly got a heart attack. I was afraid she'd misinterpreted the whole "kiss thing" and that I'd now be stuck with her.

Well, I fell for her... but she'd also fallen for me so I suppose that was OK. I fought back at first but didn't succeed... We kept a pretty low profile in the public but were very much in love. All this time I also tried to a be a good, supportive friend for her – she had her problems and I helped out as best I could.

Spring 1999: Nine and a half months after that first kiss she broke it up. What really bugged me was that she didn't have the guts to say it to my face – she dumped me over e-mail. By the time we met, to talk things over, I was so angry that I had to keep a straight face, for fear of either yelling my head off or otherwise making a scene. I managed to keep such a good facade that she called me hard and cold.

Three weeks after the breakup she told me she had a new gf. I'm tired of this...

Back to "no life"?

Autumn 1999

OK, so "no life" may be a small exaggeration - after all, I do have a life... but you know what I mean. And no, there isn't an on/off switch in me - or any human being, as far as I know – but I'm still determined to stay on my own for now.

Continued in part 3

Back toPart 1
Back to the bi page
To the front page

To the gallery
Matsu71

The Pride icons on this page are from Indina's Tapestry Shop and Gillyboo's Gay Graphics
Road signs ©Iconbazaar.com