Selected ramblings
History: bits and pieces from my diary, page 3
New year, new struggles
January 26th, 2000
I need to move out. My patience with my parents is running thin. When it comes to my friends, especially those they think are gay, I'm still – after being out for a pretty damn long time – up against intolerant, unsupportive homophobes. They badmouth my friends, and doing so to my face, insult me.
I've tried to be nice and kept a low profile (didn't mention the gay film festival when I went to visit my friend, didn't tell that one of my best 'Net friends is a lesbian – even a bit of a celebrity in the online gay/les/bi community), but I'm getting tired of hiding parts of myself, of who I am. I want out of here, even if it means I won't get mom's great meals every day, always being broke, or *gasp!* not getting to hang out online every evening.
Spring 2000
I feel like I'm in the middle of the "Krazy Kat" comic strip and I'm the Kat. There's a dog, Offissa Pupp, who loves the Kat. The Kat in turn loves Ignatz, the mouse, who doesn't return its love, but throws bricks at the Kat. Sometimes I feel like the mouse, though. (Updated in April)
May 3rd, 2000
Went to a costume party last Friday. What fun it was – I was dressed as a mafia guy, complete with a pinstripe suit, hat, silver-tipped cane and a white carnation... and to top it all, I'd removed my glasses and painted a thin mustache (so that I wouldn't be instantly recognized).
Normally I don't like being mistaken for a guy, but this was different – it was intentional and just for fun. And I enjoyed myself immensely. A lot more so, when an acquaintance (a fellow at the gay disco where we finally ended up) told me he thought I really was a guy until I talked to him. Wow... *wide grin*
I'd repeat that performance in a minute!
Late spring
I've decided to give up on that mouse. If I go on this way, I'll only end up getting hurt over and over again. If it isn't the bricks, it's something else... but the result is the same. Besides, it's foolish to wait for something so uncertain. I've had quite enough and I'll have to contend on being just her friend.
June
Maybe this is the way to go... from friends to lovers (nope, not talking about "Ignatz the mouse" here)... It happened somewhat accidentally... and for a long time I had no idea this friend, J, was in love with me. I still can't understand why...
I fought back again, tried to convince her I'm not the right one for her. Reasons: I'm an extremely self-centered person, I still have this issue with my parents, and the fact that I told her we might as well go on and make it official, so soon after making up my mind about "Ignatz the mouse", would to an outsider seem that I was settling for "second best". In fact, I'm not settling for anything. I'm not even in love with her – not the way she is... I do love her dearly, as a friend, and a bit more than that ;-)
So this is complicated. But I'm committed to J and will, most likely, stay with her for a long time.
July 3rd
Another Pride week over... this was the first one I actually attended. Went to two Pride parties (the latter one with my girlfriend) and bought some Pride-themed stuff (just to show off and to support the organization, not because I needed it).. I gave one button to my sister, who's very tolerant, even supportive, in her own quiet way.
This was also the first time that I was completely forthright about it to my parents. I told them I'd go to the parties, talked about the other events, left a program leaflet with them... OK, so they don't like it, but I'm not going to avoid the subject any more.
July 5th
Some people just can't take a hint – apparently one has to whack them upside the head with a two-by-four.
There's this guy with whom I went out a couple of times, but I wouldn't even call it dating. I've kept a certain distance (it's been a year since we last met for more than a couple of minutes), but he still wants to meet... and I know it's not just to play games on the computer, or to have a drink together.
I should just tell him I'm not interested, but I'd have to be pretty harsh and I don't like that. *sigh* I wrote an e-mail to him, telling about all the stuff that's been going on (sort of a news update). I talked a lot about the Pride week, hoping that might be hint enough. Maybe I should have mentioned my girlfriend...
On the other hand, if I were in his position, I'm sure I would understand. If somebody avoids meeting me, saying they're too busy, and don't ever contact me first, well... that's a pretty big clue that they're not interested.
It's not that he's a guy, don't get me wrong. It's because he's a bore.
September 6th
A bit nervous... a friend's wedding's coming up and I & my gf have been invited. The bride's parents are homophobic and we're expected to shock them some way, e.g. by dancing together. The groom's uncle is gay, so the bride's parents are in for a real treat! My gf's really looking forward to shock some phobes, but I'm not as brave as she is. And I hate to do something in public.
Oh btw, I told the bore I've got a girlfriend. Now he wants to meet her. *groan*
November
Well, now my sister knows about me and my girlfriend. She'd known for some time before I told her, but that's OK, I suppose. The only thing she commented about was our age difference, but I explained that it doesn't really make any difference – in matters of experience she and I are pretty much on the same level :-)
Now my gf is pressuring me to tell my parents about us... my rather homophobic parents. I know they're not stupid and that I won't get thrown out of the house... but my girlfriend might be banned from visiting. Actually, it's quite probable that she will be.
Well, at least we're in love with each other (yeah, things have changed – I've changed)... that, surprisingly, makes a lot of stuff more tolerable. I know it's a terrible cliché and sounds mushy as hell, but that's just the way things are now. It makes me happy but also scared out of my wits. There's still a lot of uncertainty.
November 6th
The wedding was nice and we shocked the bride's mother by kissing each other in full view of her. Heard later that she'd been quite upset, and that she'd asked if the newlyweds were "actually going to let THOSE people" to look after their cats while they're on honeymoon.
The bore met my gf. Nothing happened. I was bored and just wanted to get out of there... but I managed to be polite.
December 12th
We're often visiting one another (twice a month or so) but my parents don't seem to mind. In fact, it seems as if they're not in the least surprised that I'm with J all the time – not even when I mentioned I might spend New Year's with her. It's almost as if they knew... but they haven't asked me or talked about it.
This feels quite odd.
January, 2001
Why is it that most guys in chatrooms seem to think that all women are there just for them? And for them to make lewd proposals and/or to ask extremely personal questions? Very few guys just drop in to chat... most drop in to chat someone up. It's bloody tiresome!
Sure, there are plenty of cybersluts around, but that doesn't mean all women are like that.
Also, I'm not sure if bi/gay women get this in real life (i.e. outside of the 'Net), but in chats and IRC, a lot of guys ask if they could watch... or join in for a threesome. Blecch!
What the world needs now... is not another love song!
Beginning of March
So we've spent the New Year's together, I spent a weekend in January at J's, she came over once at the end of the month, and I visited her twice in February. We chat every day, talk on the phone several times a week, exchange e-mails constantly... and it's still not enough. She doesn't like to be apart from me. I don't, either, but I'm such a self-centered bastard that it's not such a great problem.
The nights are different, though. That's the time when I miss her the most. A teddy bear is a poor substitute for a person with whom to snuggle. And you can't fall asleep on a teddy bear's shoulder (it doesn't have any).
March 12th
Last night mom finally asked (although it was more of a statement than question) if J and I are seeing each other. I confirmed it – and to my huge relief, she didn't seem a bit upset. On the contrary, she claimed to have known about us for quite some time. "I've known least as long as you've been together – your mother isn't stupid, you know!", she said, when I mentioned we've been together since the summer.
She also said dad was clueless again and that she'd told him of us a couple of weeks ago. He dismissed the thought. Can you say "denial"?
We talked for quite a long time, and the end result was that J is still welcome to our home (whew!) and that mom has nothing against us being together – she just doesn't want to see any public displays of affection. So what else is new; she doesn't like to see them by anyone (gay or straight). But that's no problem with me.
March 28th
"Why do you have to wear trousers and dress like a man?"
Why, indeed? Why don't I wear a skirt and show everyone my ugly thick legs? Or why don't I wear women's trousers (which are almost invariably too small)?
Feminine clothing is definitely not to my taste – light colours, thin materials, frills and flowery patterns look odd on me, and I feel very uncomfortable in them. Ditto skirts. And isn't clothing meant to a) cover, b) keep one comfortable? Fashionable women's clothes are anything but comfortable; I'm not thin and tall, and most clothes seem to be especially made for people who look like Barbie dolls.
Besides, I'm rarely mistaken for a man these days, no matter what I wear.
April 19th
J and I spent a few days together again, when my parents were away. For three nights we slept in the same bed, but when my parents got back yesterday, they wanted us to sleep separately again. And J, being the good girl she is, did as told (although mom only said about it to me, not to us together). Hmph.
I'm still pretty damn miffed about this, although I still got to fall asleep on J's shoulder. Shouldn't complain? Well, I do. Call me a spoiled brat.
April 27th, 2001
Things that annoy me tremendously:
- Nostalgia for its own sake (Carpe diem and get on with it, all right?)
- Pointless, sickeningly sweet e-mails forwarded by morons who just don't think
- People who use words the meaning of which they don't know (and then use them wrong)
- People who use swear words as emphasis or as "punctuation" (and worse yet, equate "fag" with "idiot") – especially people who are grown up and should know better
- Websites that don't work at all without a Flash or Real Player plug-in
- Mobile phone users who forget the "mobile" part of the name and leave their phones behind when they go someplace (invariably, the phone starts to ring when its owner is away, take my word for it)
June 13th
We had our anniversary the day before yesterday. Wow. A year together... officially.
Celebrated together (away from parents) with a nice dinner, red wine, and later in the evening, some excellent cider.
I told mom about the occasion – she just hushed me, saying dad still doesn't understand (we were sitting at the kitchen table, he was two metres away in the balcony). Thanks mom. Today's her birthday... I'm still contemplating whether or not to buy her flowers.
Continued in part 4
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