Searching

Part II

How to Search When to Search Why to Search

Who to Search For Telling Adoptive Family

So, you're thinking about searching for your birthparents/family. Are you ready to take the plunge? To pursue something that could change your life forever? Now what?

Searching is a physical process: detective work, leg work, phone calls, paper work. Searching is an emotional process. It can take weeks, or even years. Before searching, I strongly recommend reading about searching -- other's experiences as well as how to do it -- and if possible, joining a support group for adoption (see Resources). I had read several books, but it wasn't until I had a reunion with my birth family that I joined a support group. I think if I had joined one during my search, I would have been better prepared.

How to Search

My best advice is still to read books and to join support groups, as well as contacting ALMA or AAC. Information for all these can be found in the Resources.

William Gage of Geborener Deutscher put me in touch with Leonie Boehmer, an independent search consultant, who conducted my search. She is an expert.

When to Search

Only you can know when that time is right. Sorry but there is no magical age for searching. A support group could help though. I was a member of Adoption Network, a group that includes all members of the adoption triangle. When you decide to search, just be open to anything (acceptance, rejection, deceased parent, new relationships, etc.). And know that no matter what happens, good or bad, you did it. Be proud of yourself. I don’t want anyone to feel that I think less of those who don’t search because it’s your personal choice, and I support freedom of choice.

Why to Search

Before I searched, I was asked by various non-adopted people, “ Why do you want to search? “ Some had the attitude that I would disrupt my parents’ lives and betray my adoptive parents. Sometimes I reacted angrily. How dare anyone try to deny me something that they take for granted? But then, I would calm down and try to explain why I wanted to search. There are many reasons.

When I was a child I sometimes felt like I had magically appeared. It seemed like the only proof of my existence was written on a piece of paper. Where did I come from? Berlin, place of my birth, was just a name on a map. When I was eighteen years old, I had to have surgery on my wrist. During the pre-exam, the nurse asked if there was a history of any diseases in my family. I answered yes to her questions then realized, hey, I’m thinking about my adoptive family. “Ma’am, I’m adopted and don’t know my medical background.” Then I started to wonder, am I a medical time bomb?

When my mom (adoptive) died, I remember after her funeral looking at her picture then looking at my brother, grandmother, and my mom’s brother Pat. They all looked alike. Who do I look like? Whose eyes do I have? Nose? Hair? etc. Were my feelings of loneliness while growing up related to being adopted? I love photography. Was one of my parents an artist? So why did I want to search? For roots, medical history, genes, emotional attachment, etc. For answers.

Why to search is not a simple question to answer. If you are thinking about searching, before you decide, analyze your reasons why. Think with your head as well as your heart.

Who to Search For

My initial search was for my birthmother. I found my mother and was reunited with her as well as siblings. Your search may start with one person but you could end up finding a whole family. Many adoptees seem to start with searching for their birthmother. She was the one who gave you life. Searching for your birthfather may be difficult depending on his past/present relationship with your birthmother. A search may start with siblings if they are easier to locate, parents are deceased, etc. Who you search for depends on what you feel in your heart as well as practical reasons. Again, let me say that this is another case of personal choice and if you are questioning who you want to search for, talk to someone.

Telling Adoptive Family

Telling your adoptive family, especially your parents, may be harder to do than searching. Try to understand thier feelings. They may feel betrayed or think they will be replaced. Parents may feel they somehow failed. Assure them that they have not. Be open with your family, if you can, but don’t let them bully you into not searching. Their feelings are important, but you have to think of yourself first.

I let my family know that I still loved them. By the time I searched, my mom (adoptive) was deceased. So I admit, it made the search easier in some ways. But, I think she would have liked my birthmother. They have similar personalities.

I was a little nervous about telling my grandmother. She is my adoptive mom’s mother. She was worried at first whether my search would be a positive one. And if it was, would I leave and go live with my newly found family -- abandoning the family I have known all my life. I reassured her that I loved her, and that she would always be my grandmother -- and that my family would always be my family. She was, and is, very supportive of my relationship with my birth family.

My friends were great during and after my search. They knew how important it was to me. I will always be thankful for them. Searching is an individual process, but it certainly doesn’t have to be a lonely one.

International Adoptions: Part III
Back to Part I: Adoption Triangle
Resources: Books and Organizations

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