101 things

~ never be afraid to try something new…remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic ~ conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good ~ politicians & diapers have 1 thing in common, they should both be changed regularly & for the same reason ~ an optimist thinks that this is the best possible world, a pessimist fears that this is true ~ i don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path ~ indecision is the key to flexibility ~ in just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday ~ i always wanted to be a procrastinator; i never got around to it ~ i have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, i take something for it ~ brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever ~ u don't stop laughing because u grow old u grow old because u stopped laughing ~ do not walk behind me, for i may not lead.  do not walk ahead of me, for i may not follow.  do not walk beside me either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone. ~ the journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. ~ it's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~ ever notice how no one is ever listening until you make a mistake. ~ always remember you're unique, just like everyone else in this world. ~ it may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ~ if you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. ~ before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  that way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ~ give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. ~ remember, some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. ~ duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~ too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.  remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown but, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker upside the head... ~ follow your dream!  unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. ~ always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. ~when im feeling down, i like to whistle.  it makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. ~it's a small world, so you gotta use your elbows a lot.

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