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How far out is too far out? Warning: If you are bored already feel free to depart. However if you are curious, this is the story of my awakening. Pt. 1: Like many transgendered folk, I discovered, at an early age (5,) that I was somewhat different from others. In a true and beautiful society, these differences would have been of no consequence. But because they were relative to gender they made my life a bit more complicated. In short, I was a sissy. I wanted to dress as a girl. I found boys my own age to be brutal, territorial and mostly unpleasant. Girls seemed a bit more open and kind. My teacher (Mrs. Wilkenson) was absolutely wonderful (she also had great legs.) The girls in the playground were always willing to let me hang out and treated me well. And they got to wear the most wonderful things. I especially wanted to wear tights. My spouse has suggested that my attention may have been focused on legs, because I have a birthmark on my left thigh. Be that as it may, I began to notice girls legs, whether they were wearing stockings or not, and wanting to wear them myself. I realised that this might not go over to well with my folks. In fact I was pretty sure that this was a ticket to ostracism. My mom was a Quaker and my father an atheist. I could have hoped for a little understanding, but knew that they were a bit programed for that. Beside they were too busy fighting to really pay much attention to me. So I suppressed it and kept quiet. And the Goddess inside went to sleep.

Pt. 2: My parents split up when I was eight. This was not necessarily a bad thing. There was some peace in the home. I went in rapid succession from comic books to hormonal frenzy, by the age of thirteen. Like most teenage boys, I became obsessed with pictures of naked women (in nylons.) I would steal my mothers old pantyhose, which she used for polishing shoes. I would put them on and fantasize, experiencing tremendous joy. As soon as I had climaxed, I would feel misshapen, horribly alone. Because I stashed the pantyhose between my mattress and and wire cot frame, I nearly got busted by my mom and friends. I learned the cold fear of being exposed. I was an odd ball. No one at school liked me, mostly because I was over weight, nearsighted and an intellectual, read: "faggot." That was a daily epiphyte, that I heard from the neanderthals at my high school. I began drinking and hanging out with guys a lot older than me. It was an odd time. I was drunk almost all the way through my sophomore and junior year in high school. I assumed that no girl would have anything to do with me. This was confirmed many times. I had to date a girl from thirty miles away to lose my virginity. Then came THE DRUGS... Mostly pot and then acid. I read all the spiritual texts i/e Bhagavad Gita, Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, Doors of Perception/Between Heaven and Hell (Aldous Huxley, still a good read) stuff by Alan Watts and others; I became imersed in an ascetic type of life. It was an interesting and occasionally beautiful ride. Unfortunately I had bought into the western lie, that spirituality is only about consciousness and that maya (the attachment to the material world and pleasures of the flesh,) was the antithesis of a spiritual existence. What a pack of ka-ka. But that was where I was at then. I couldn't even begin to get close to the spirit I felt inside. So again I had found another way to suppress, to hide, to remain numb to a greater truth.

Pt. 3. In the eighties and early nineties, I got married, had a beautiful son and then got divorced. The reason my first wife left me was simple... I was a lousy husband. The anger that was my father's, found a home inside of me. I had tried to share my gender/sexuality with her, but it was really no-go. Perhaps if I had been a bit more gentle and thoughtful, things might have been different. But that was how I had to learn my lesson and she had to leave. Unfortunately when she left it was for cocaine and alcohol. The former Mrs. walked out on myself and our son, leaving our home hideously in debit, as well. My son and I went through a lot of counseling to recover. It was in therapy that I began to deal with my own issues. For the next two and a half years I fought for custody and won. I will spare you the grisly details, suffice to say it was not pretty. For the first year and a half of the split I was bitter, I wanted her dead. Then a curious thing happened, I began to grow, to forgive. Many changes came and I began living as a functional parent. I discovered new skills, creativity and relationships. A sexual/spiritual journey began inward and outward. I was introduced to sacred BDSM and to the Goddess. When my ex and I went to court for our final hearing, I found myself wishing her a happy birthday (it was in fact her birthday.) The following day I performed my Wiccan Self-Dedication rite. It was a full moon and my son's tenth birthday. That night was the first of many where I heard the Goddess. She was kind and rebirthed me. Since that night I have handfasted (a Wiccan marriage) with Lady Llydia. She has helped me to grow as we have grown together. I have learned to comfortable with my third genderism and bisexuality. I have become friends with my former spouse... And I have found the strength and courage to live my life according to my beliefs i/e walking the walk. A final note: If you locked up every man who tried one his girlfriend/mother/wife's underwear, the highways would be empty. We are curious and equally terrified of ourselves. When we can accept each other and ourselves, as we are, then we shall find peace, blessed be. "An it harm none do what thou will." The Wiccan Rede "All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals." The Charge of The Goddess.

An Open Message:

My mate and I have been expanding and growing in our experiences. This has meant having a greater interaction with the transgender community. We would like to continue that in cyber space and in person. 1st. Please send email. It's always nice to hear from other gurls, girls and everything in between. Just click here to send a message: snakes@110.net. We can share experience, support and other stuff. No topics or questions are off limits. 2nd. If you live in the New England area and would like to get together, please send an email. Lady Llydia and I maintain a safe and sane gender friendly environment. We are respectful of limits and only ask that our boundaries be respected.

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